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Forum
-> Inquiries & Offers
-> Moving/ Relocating
Would you rather live in a place where people are the same as you or where people are all different from each other?
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| most people same as us |
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40% |
[ 35 ] |
| most people different from each other |
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59% |
[ 52 ] |
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| Total Votes : 87 |
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amother
Sienna
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 Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:01 pm
We have narrowed down our list of places to live to two communities, one of which is full of people the same as us and one of which is full of people all different than each other. My husband seems like he would be fine in either one. Assuming that all other factors are equal (they aren't really, but financially it's about the same), which community would you rather live in and why? Options are as follows:
- Community A has is mostly people in our demographic - age-wise and religiously with very little variety. I feel completely comfortable living my life the way I choose to and never judged for being too frummy. I don't have to worry about peer pressure or outside influences on my kids in terms of religious and cultural behaviors/activities - people dress at same level of tzniut so no worries my dds will want to suddenly wear short skirts or pants like other kids, everyone can eat in everyone's house in terms of kashrut, all youth groups and schools have boys and girls separated so no temptation or option to be in a co-ed environment, no unfiltered internet, no TVs. But it's not a very open-minded community, and while no one is judging us because we fit in, I feel that there is so much outside the box that I like and value and it's missing within my social interactions.
- Community B has a wide spectrum of people across the religious and non-religious spectrum. Age-wise is also more varied, and we're not in the main demographic there, but not a minority. The immediate sub-community we'd be in is all religious but with a lot of variety within that. Religiously, we do fall within the spectrum of the sub-community we'd be a part of, but we'd be on the right (vs. left, not vs. wrong) end of it. I feel much less stifled being around more open-minded and varied people, especially those who value unity and diversity. But, I worry greatly about the effects on the kids, because everyone does something else religiously and culturally - there may be peer pressure to dress different ways than we feel are acceptable in terms of tzniut; more exposure to internet/TV/music which may not be as appropriate as I'd like; there are both separate and co-ed youth groups and sometimes kids want to go where their friends go instead of where I would want them to; we'd send to the non-co-ed school, but there is also a co-ed school and they may have friends from shul or clubs who go to the co-ed school which means they could have co-ed social settings when with friends. So I am much more worried about peer pressure and outside influences for the kids, but the community itself is much more accepting.
What would you do? Why? What other considerations might you have? Thanks!!
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amother
Seafoam
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:10 pm
External sameness can fool me into thinking there's internal sameness.
Internal sameness does not exist, imho.
Until I change my mind about it, I prefer to live in a diverse neighborhood where at least our external differences keep me awake to the possibility that we are equally diverse on the inside.
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leah233
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:17 pm
A varied community is better because (1)there is less peer pressure (2)if your children don't fit into your community mold you will have other chinuch options for them (3)there is increased closeness among the few who are in your demographic.
However if there is potential for bad influences in a varied community then go to where everyone is like you
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cnc
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:19 pm
Definitely the second.
Diversity and variety are healthy.
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mha3484
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:24 pm
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I really don't like the bad influences argument. I feel like my job as a parent is to instill my values into my children. My oldest is in a community bais yaakov (boys equivalent). We fall pretty much in the middle of the spectrum of yeshivishness. We have had plenty of conversations about why so and so watches this or does that or the opposite why we do this and someone else does not. I think it builds character and forces me to really think about things in depth. I dont think you get that experience as a parent when everyone is so similar to each other.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:39 pm
I moved into a neighborhood with a bit of variety. The neighborhood became more one type as more Jewish people moved in. The small variety moved out. We unfortunately stayed. It's terrible. People are so horrible to my family. DH can't daven In the local shul. They are terribly anti-Semitic.
Our crime. Dh's background is a bit chasidish. He also (shock) works. My neighbors are all in kollel/rebbes.
It gets more disgusting as time goes on. I wasn't invited once again to a shabbos shuir this week.
If I had the money I would move away today.
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livinginflatbus
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:47 pm
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Definitely variety . I don’t feel it’s healthy when everyone follows the herd mentality.
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tichellady
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:49 pm
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I prefer variety if there is a nice chevra within the community that you feel similar to.
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causemommysaid
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:54 pm
I prefer where most of the people are like me.
Much easier to find friends for yourself and the kids when everyone is of similar life stage and type.
I hear being stifled though.
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amother
Seafoam
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 4:55 pm
Based on the leanings of people on this board the poll will probably result in more votes for option 2.
Take this poll to ppl who are not online, b'shita, and you'll likely get more votes in favor of option 1.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 5:00 pm
| amother wrote: | I moved into a neighborhood with a bit of variety. The neighborhood became more one type as more Jewish people moved in. The small variety moved out. We unfortunately stayed. It's terrible. People are so horrible to my family. DH can't daven In the local shul. They are terribly anti-Semitic.
Our crime. Dh's background is a bit chasidish. He also (shock) works. My neighbors are all in kollel/rebbes.
It gets more disgusting as time goes on. I wasn't invited once again to a shabbos shuir this week.
If I had the money I would move away today. |
I experienced the same but in two different neighborhoods both ways. When one neighborhood changed and became strictly Chasidish we were the "modern" ones. Nobody trusted our kashrus, wouldn't play with our kids because we spoke English at home and so on.
Then we went and moved to a very diverse block and a year later a yeshivish kolell opened nearby and we ended up being the "Chasidish" ones with a husband who they looked down upon because he worked. They were convinced my DH doesn't daven with a minyan because he worked!!!
I discovered that unfortunately here in the tri state area the neighborhoods have become very black and white with very little to no diversity. It is so sad. We were always the type to love diversity but ended up always being the odd ones out in the end. It is beginning to happen in the new neighborhood where I live. For now I'm the only Jew on my block and I'm unfortunately finding it more livable and peaceful than living between the frum people. My DH had it harder because he has to go to Shul.
I will always choose a diverse neighborhood if I have the choice. This teaches your children that we are all not the same and it's OK. It teaches acceptance of others no matter their affiliation . Being a certain way doesn't make one person better than the other. They also learn that we have certain standards to live by and not everyone share the same standards.
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 6:20 pm
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We live in a community B. It is a one shul town so everyone davens together, everyone's kids are friends and everyone is very accepting. My daughter is the only kid in her chevra who goes to the school she does (oot BY), I love that she is so close with girls who have different hashkafas (all are shomrei Shabbat/kosher). Yes, some wear pants, and watch shows I would never let, but one day she (and all my other kids) will, PG, go into the big wide world, and I hope the middos and mitzvot they learn now will keep then on good stead even when exposed to other ideas.
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amother
Lavender
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 6:40 pm
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I would go with B BUT with the caveat that there is a core group of like-minded families. Diversity is great for the reasons listed by the others, but you don't want to be the only one like you. You need a few others.
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lavenderchimes
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 7:24 pm
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I choose variety, because I almost always choose variety. Also, there is no one like DH and I -- I'm not bragging or being a snowflake, we are just a pair of really odd ducks!
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amother
Black
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 8:39 pm
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I like the idea of diversity in theory but I also like sending my kids to a school that matches our hashkafa. If it's a small community and I had to send my kids to a coed day school, I'd pass.
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amother
Mint
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 10:40 pm
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When we got married lived in community a. Although I dressed and spoke and did the same things as everyone else, I really felt lonely with in such a uniform Society where individuality was not appreciated. Then we moved to severe Community B. I was totally weirded out in the beginning and thought everyone was so weird but after a few years I grew to really love the diversity and low pressure that my community affords.
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Petra
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 10:59 pm
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If there is no choice but to live in Community A, then I would. However, if there is a choice to live in a diverse community such as Community B, I would definitely prefer that one. One of the highest endeavors is to love every member of klal yisroel. Better practice at that in Community B than Community A.
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musicmom
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Mon, Mar 26 2018, 11:12 pm
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sounds like you like community b!
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Mar 27 2018, 12:15 am
OP, this such a hard question! A lot of it depends on whether your DH works or not, the personality of your kids, any learning disabilities, and your social needs.
I can only speak for myself. I need lots of variety to thrive, and I think it's healthy. DD, on the other hand, had a really hard time being in a mixed community, where people could be Jews, but not as observant as she was. If Chanie wears a short dress to shul, why can't she? I could give you a million more examples like this. Your kids may be very different.
On the other hand, DH would love to be in a more consistent community. He thrives on structure, rules, and predictability. He would prefer to have everyone hold the exact same way he does.
No easy answers here. I suggest a lot of long family talks, tours of neighborhoods, etc. Get the general "vibe" of the areas you are considering. Places can look great on paper, but feel very different once you are physically there. Take note of how people look at you when you're walking down the street. That will tell you a lot about the place.
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amother
Violet
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Tue, Mar 27 2018, 3:25 am
I live in a very large Jewish community, with subsections of various "groups."
My block, however, is a beautiful conglomeration of every type, from very, very chasidishe to not even frum. Everyone is very close and respectful of others, save for a few new neighbors that just moved in from out of town.
Our block's main babysitter is a litvish woman that sends to BY. Her girls wear knee socks quite often, which is something that most of us on my block would never allow our daughter's to wear, as our personal standards are to wear tights and not knee socks. But we would never look down on that family, ch"v. They are so truly frum, so inspired, so beautiful. All of our kids play over there, and vice versa.
If you can find a block in a neighborhood that respects all types but is basically frum, why in the world would you expose your children to a world full of temptation that they don't have to be exposed to in their most formative years?
If you are going into kiruv -- that's one thing. YOU are the strong one in the community, causing others to absorb from you.
Not going into kiruv? Most likely your family will become the sponges, absorbing outside influence that you may not like.
Don't get me wrong; I love diversity, but the nisyonos in this generation are very powerful and seductive. Why take chances while your children's world view is being formed?
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