Want a happy home!

amother

Seashell

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:02 am

I'm dreaming of a home where everyone is calm, happy and caring.
Instead my home is a war zone. Every minute a kid yells that other kid hurt him, took away something.. sometimes everyone at once each for another reason.

Then comes bedtime when I have to tell them too many times to put on pjs... While they just continue playing as if didn't hear me..

I try to stay calm but eventually just explode after telling them anything and they just don't hear. Sometimes feel like they only want me to yell. That's only way they hear. When I'm calm they dont.

So It basically feels like a war zone- always fighting, crying..

I feel bad for my kids coming home to such a home daily. I want it to be an enjoyable place to be.

amother

Puce

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:10 am

There is hope. Start by paying attention to your in breath and out breath. Not forcing it to be any particular way. Just noticing how it is. Best done sitting or lying down, but ok to do standing.

Practice it for one minute upon awakening and one minute when you're in bed at night.
Gradually increase to two minutes.

Over time you will develop inner capacity to bring your attention to your breath at whim. Then, when kids do what they do, you pay attention to your breath and thus remain calm.

In addition, I found it very helpful to have someone to vent to, whether a friend, family, or therapist. And an adult in your life who can give you some tlc.

Oh, and lots more, but this may be a good beginning.

#youcanbreakthecycle
#slowandsteadywillgetyoutoyourgoal
#hanginthereyoucandoit

behappy2

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:19 am

Kids fight. Sorry. I have two kids ages 2 and 7 and even they fight!

Next. Instead of raising your voice you can havehave consenquences and/or rewards. I usually set the timer and if my son beats the timer he gets a point in his chart.

Lastly all moms go through this. You will be ok Smile

Take a moment every day to laugh with them, make them rides, dance with them.

Having kids can be fun!

behappy2

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:28 am

amother wrote:

Now for the million dollar question:
HOW DO YOU MAKE KIDS LISTEN????

You can't control kids. You can set consenquences and boundaries. You can pm me and give me examples and I can try to help you. Just like any friend can. I am not a therapist or a super mom Smile

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:28 am

Take parenting classes.
I highly recommend sara Yaroslowitz. You can buy her classes on an MP3 an listen at your own pace.
Once you feel empowered, and you feel like you have a plan. Your kids will sense it and see that theres no fighting back.
Will it turn your kids into perfect angels? No!
But it will make your life so much easier.
Having complete chaos all the time is not ok.
Hectic an busy is, cuz thats life.
But constant constant screaming???

Good luck!

amother

Puce

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 8:02 am

amother wrote:

Now for the million dollar question:
HOW DO YOU MAKE KIDS LISTEN????

Humans do not like being ordered around.

I listen to them, they listen to me. Much of it is about an orientation toward children and our role as mother.

Can you give an example of what you want your kids to listen to you?

Kiwi13

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 8:13 am

This probably won't be the most helpful post ever, but maybe it'll at least show you're not alone. My mom had 4 under 4. We were a bunch of high-energy kids close in age. I don't actually know how she managed... major accomplishment! At one point (maybe we were elementary school age) she told us that she wants a happy home, dammit, and proclaimed that this was "Mommy's Happy House." Which of course led to screaming matches between us, "THERE'S NO YELLING IN MOMMY'S HAPPY HOUSE!!!!!!!" Every home has its own problems and stress. My siblings and I sometimes fought like cats and dogs as kids but we're close as anything as adults. I guess all you can do is keep trying, don't expect perfection, and remind yourself it's worth it.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 8:22 am

First of all how old are they?
Are they at an age they can understand what respect and rules mean

When my kids were little I worked in a preschool.
I liked the preschool rules so much I encorporated them into my home.
Rules were for adults as well as kids.
They were posted.

1. Listen the first time.
2 One person talks at a time
3. Use only nice words.
4. Hands feet and objects are kept to ourselves.
5. We take care of our things and put them away when we are done.

I also made a chart , hourly. If they followed the rules they got a star.
If they earned 4 out of 5 stars they earned an extra story at bedtime in mommy's bed, or something special that didn't cost anything.

If they broke a rule they got 1 warning, the 2nd time they got time out. When time out was done they had to apologize to the person.

It wasn't perfect, but at least the kids knew what was expected of them.

Also, keep your ears open and try to catch situations before they happen.
Third, bored kids tend to get into more trouble.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 8:50 am

I also struggle with my kids fighting. I think I have a handle on my relationship with then, though it definitely is rough, but the fighting between themselves kills me. I just keep reminding myself that it's normal, doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, it's just how Hashem created them and their unique natures. Maybe they will be best friends one day, maybe not. I do what I can, which is mostly focused on having a good relationship with each one of them.

crust

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 9:54 am

Don't try to eat the whole sandwhich at once because you can choke.

Don't think about revising your entire home at once.
Take ONE tiny thing at a time and revise it.
Forget about your kids behavior now.
What behavior would YOU be able to revise?

For instance;
Instead of saying put on pajamas, is it possible for you to say lets put on pjs? Take one child at a time and put her/him on pjs.

Or,
If everyone is screaming, can you take ONE child with you into a room and in a calm voice, calm the child down or tell the child to calm down so you both will be able to come out?

Also, do start revising your way of thinking. Your kids don't come home to such a terrible home as you think. A calm home does not mean its always quiet.

If you work on rerouting one chaotic scene a day then you will get there. Maybe not the 'there' you and me imagined as a girl but the there that is a healthy environment for your kids.

Asach nachas!

amother

Seashell

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 10:12 am

My kids are ages 3-9

I feel like they take advantage of me when I nurse my newborn which still takes time.
That's when they do all their trouble. And could tell them few times to stop what their doing, play nicely... and talk to the wall! As if I didn't say anything.

I could tell them to do/not to do something till I actually get up and go to them. It's so annoying.

I went to plenty parenting classes. Everything sounds so easy by the classes. Not in reality.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 12:17 pm

amother wrote:

Of course reality is nothing like parenting classes. But here's the thing - you need to see the day from their perspective.

You know you're going to be nursing your newborn, so what have you planned for your other kids in that time? Nursing is a wonderful opportunity for you to play a board game or sing songs with them. Or read a book aloud, if you can manage it.

The trick is to keep them engaged. Some low-energy kids need downtime, but that's not what you are describing. You need a "first this, then this, then this" going at all times. At first it's really draining, but eventually the system runs itself because they know what comes next. Everyone feels more in control, and therefore calmer.

Hang in there!!

crust

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 1:44 pm

amother wrote:

I have to say... I understand you about things looking so rosy and doable in parenting classes and then at home.... oh well.

Can you nurse in front of them?

amother

Linen

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 11:12 pm

I don’t tell my kids what to do, or stop doing, if I can’t enforce my words.

They know your not getting off the couch when nursing baby so coloring on the wall is what they’ll keep on doing.

You’re screaming, and they’re laughing. This teaches them that when u say something, they could ignore.

So, swallow your anger and wait till your done nursing.
And if it’s dangerous, stop nursing and stop the madness.