Feel so torn | Imamother

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 6:06 am

I took in a teenage girl over Pesach. She has no home to go to. My dh agreed originally with half heart. This girl has been through a lot in her life no one should ever know about. We agreed to take her in first days and second days she was supposed to go elsewhere. She was telling me this morning how she dreads going to this other family as they are chasidish and she doesn't feel comfortable and loves it by us. Without hesitation I said stay by us till Thursday when she was supposed to leave today. Apart from my dh not loving it, it's going quite well. She does tell my girls quite traumatic stories but my girls are extremely mature and keep repeating me to me everything. My question is, I'm so tensed up when dh is around as I know he doesn't approve of it. Although dh treats her so kindly and will never show it. Dh worries about the influence and exposure this has on my children.

I keep cleaning up, making fancy meals just so dh shouldn't say "you see I told u it's too much" I feel soooooo torn because I would do anything to save this girl. I was once a vulnerable girl that was looking for comfort.. not as bad bH.
Am I doing the right thing? Pls help me before my emotions burst. Dh coming in from shachrit soon and well be surprised to see her here... I have great communication with dh just not sure who's right....

BH5745

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 6:29 am

Do you have a family Rabbi or Rov you could speak with for guidance on this?

You state that you were once a vulnerable girl looking for comfort, so you relate to this young woman. The other side of that is perhaps you have less objectivity than DH to handle this situation. That's why a neutral Rabbinic authority, like a Rov or family Rabbi, might be a good source for guidance here.

Good luck, it will work out iy"H!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 6:30 am

You sound like a really wonderful, compassionate person.

I've been a teenager without a home, and I've taken in teenagers without homes. There are many things to consider.

How do your kids feel about this girl and her stories? Are they disturbed by them, worried about the girl, taking it in stride? Do they feel like it's a mitzva to help, or are they feeling stressed by her presence?

I can understand DH wanting to put his kids before someone else's kids. That's natural.

On the other hand, what if it was one of his girls who was in distress (G-d forbid), and another kind family would take her in?

If you absolutely cannot reach a compromise, see if there are any friends of yours who are more your type, and ask if they could maybe take the girl in for a while.

Is this girl over or under 18? That can make a big difference. (I always get confused when people refer to grown women as "girls".)

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 8:16 am

Wow its so nice to hear such encouragement. This girl is in her early teens. I was so stressed before! I took out a game boy that I haven't allowed the kids to play with for some time and gave it to her and sent her to her room to play, then I sent my kids to my sister to breath a little so when dh walked in, the house was clean, kids were happy and I btw mentioned that this girl is staying here and his reaction was oh my goodness!!!!... I feel like I'm trying to please everyone and it's sooo hard..
This girl is trying hard so hard please us but she gets her moments when she can be very annoying. She talks a lot and wants attention and has no table manners which bothers dh like crazy . Everything spills and she eats like a toddler. It's so sad!!!! I just want to lie in bed and cry. Cry for this girl and I'm so angry at dh for not supporting.......... I think I'm just very hormonal being that I'm first day of period!!!!
I really have to find another home. I tried calling someone I know she likes but there was no answer. Poor girl being thrown around . I see where dh is coming from but I feel so trapped

amother

Blush

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 8:17 am

I am inclined to side with your dh. Maybe you can help her find a more comfortable place for the rest of chol hamoed and second days?
I would tell dh you want to support him and will send her away if he insists. I would apologies sincerely for not checking with him before offering her to stay. And ask him for suggestion as to how to inform girl that you responded to her impulsively.
What sort of traumatic stuff is she telling your children?

thunderstorm

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 8:26 am

amother wrote:

I am someone who had a door open for me in many homes, so I can understand where the girl is coming from. However what you are describing doesn't sound like a healthy situation for anybody. Everyone is feeling stressed. I think you need to take a step back and realize that maybe now is not the right time and place for this kind of chesed. She may not have a choice and will have to go to that other family for now until better accommodations are made.
This girl may need to learn some social skills as well and is hopefully in therapy

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 8:41 am

. Now I came down and dh was eating breakfast with her and dh was making her a scrambled egg I was so relieved!!!!! I told dh I'm trying my best to find another place but till then pls support and he was ok with that. I think he's happy I acknowledged the fact that this wasn't the original plan. She goes for therapy once a week and the therapist told me that she's a different child after she's by me, Calmer and less aggressive which makes me feel like Hashem has given her to me. I daven that Hashem should give her a stable environments and if it's me than dh should agree

amother

Babypink

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 9:45 am

Be very careful and ask for advice from a great person. Because my mom did this and it was a disaster.
My mom was abused as a child and felt a kinship to the girl
but my sister ended up so depressed from the situation she was almost hospitalized
and my parents had to make the girl leave very abruptly and it was even more traumatic for her.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 12:21 pm

I agree with the others to make sure it's good for your family. I understand where you are coming from, and your intentions are to be applauded, but your prime responsibility remains with your own family.

I know a woman that took in a child in need many years ago and it literally wrecked the family. She was so focused on saving this child that her own kids got lost in the shuffle. She denies it until today and believes she was a supermom, but ask her children and you'll hear a different story. That child was eventually sent to another family but her own family never fully recovered.

33055

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 1:26 pm

amother wrote:

I wouldn't give her your own children's's things you don't allow them to play with. You also sent them off and spent time with the girl. You are setting up jealously.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 1:52 pm

I know your all hundred percent right I've got to be careful. BH the day went really well and the kids all enjoyed the museum. Like one of you mentioned, if I throw her out abruptly it would be even more traumatic. I've got to wean her off me subtly without hurting her. Her story is so major and so deep rooted and is also not dealt with professionaly which worries me. No one checked up to see where she was today. I can see it's not healthy for me. Being nice has to come from an healthy position. Especially since dh keeps telling me its not the right thing as I might just make matters worse by the family not dealing with her professionally. Scared to give out too much details but really appreciate your input, it's made my brain lighter for sure!!!!! Any more advice on this matter is highly appreciate

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 1:55 pm

Squishy wrote:

I wouldn't give her your own children's's things you don't allow them to play with. You also sent them off and spent time with the girl. You are setting up jealously.

Didn't explain myself properly, it was a treat for kids to go to sister and I wanted them to feel they can go out without her. When they were gone I gave her the game boy.

33055

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

Didn't explain myself properly, it was a treat for kids to go to sister and I wanted them to feel they can go out without her. When they were gone I gave her the game boy.

You actually wrote the opposite on the timing.

I still would absolutely not allow her to play with things you deny your own kids. She could talk about the game to them.

You don't want your children to ever feel second or neglected while you do chessed.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 2:11 pm

amother wrote:

Didn't explain myself properly, it was a treat for kids to go to sister and I wanted them to feel they can go out without her. When they were gone I gave her the game boy.

sounds like you're enjoying doing this at the price of your family. I would find a different place for her. It is not healthy. She needs to be under professional help especially with the description of table manners. She needs someone who can be objective.

dancingqueen

Tue, Apr 03 2018, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

Don’t listen to these haters op. You are doing a tremendous chessed and should be applauded.