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12 year old daugther going on 16!



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JewishMother18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 05 2007, 2:48 pm
I apologise in advance for this long post but I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do. I've raised the subject already on another post but I really need some advice.

You should know that we are a modern-orthodox family living in Israel.

My daughter is the middle of 3 children and the only girl. She's always been grown-up for her age and very forthright. She's always been a handful but when she was younger her behaviour was laughed off. Now she's aggressive, rude, outspoken, and has no respect for her elders - teachers and parents alike.

I ban her from the computer and I ban her from going out with her friends but as soon as the ban is over - because her behaviour improves - she's back to her old ways.

She was not the most popular girl in junior school but pushed her way in with the "in-crowd" which is where I think most of this stems from. We managed to break her away from them, at least during school hours, by sending her to a different school from those girls. She attends a Bnei Akiva Ulpana which she insists she hates. She says she has no desire to be religious and hates having to dress in "religious" clothes. She screams abuse at us every time we sit down to discuss the situation - we are determined to keep her at this school at least for this school year (7th grade). She appears to have made friends at this school and spends time in the evening on the phone to them but she wants to move to another school - one which is far less religious and has no real boundaries as far as tzniut is concerned.

As I mentioned in another post she completely ruins every Friday night meal by bringing up subjects that she knows will infuriate us. She is constantly asking for money and new clothes which we just can't afford. She refuses to understand our situation. She has a lot of clothes but it's never enough. She says that all her friends have different outfits on every day and she is having to wear the same 3 or 4 skirts and the same 2 sweaters. She had more but she decided she didn't like them and threw them away.

Before she started school we bought her a lot of new clothes, new shoes, new school bag and a whole new bedroom set - it's still not enough for her. As soon as one thing has been bought she's on to the next request.

I don't have this trouble with either of the boys and I don't know how to deal with it all.

I've never had the greatest relationship with her and I feel us becoming more and more distant every day. I was a rebel as a teenager and know that I gave my parents a lot of grief but my mother insists that I wasn't this bad - I'm not so sure.

What do I do? Do I just sit it out and hope that she grows to like the school and "grows up"? Do I just sit it out and hope that she outgrows this teenage behaviour in the same way I did?

My DH and I only became religious about 15 years ago and we've worked hard to instill the right values into our home and our children, in the desire to give them something that we didn't have when we were growing up. I truly believe that everyone should have the right to choose which path they go down but not at 12 years old.

If you've made it to the end of this long post, thank you for reading and I look forward to having some sound advice.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 05 2007, 3:44 pm
first of all a girl is very different from a boy ... the need things to beautify themselves ... and their hormones surge a lot more and make them that much moodier ...

if you create such a strong leash and always saying "NO" you are creating more rebellion ... compromise ... and create incentives for her to earn things rather than just get it all ... be patient and loving and never close the lines of communication ... teenagers are just very very very hard ...

good luck!!!
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 05 2007, 4:05 pm
DEF good luck, my teens are intent on torturing me too.

I am either going to eat out, or invite guests, as a buffer.
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 09 2007, 12:07 am
buying new things can backfire. when my kdis reach the age of being picky over what clothes I buy for them and want thigns that are more expensive, I tell them that this is the amount of money I'm willing to spend. if you want more, you'll have to wrok for it (either help in the house that I normally woulodn't expect from her or outside the hosue, with my apporval - babysitting and the like)
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