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Forum -> Parenting our children
Stop telling me to "enjoy this time"!



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amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 7:27 am
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to "enjoy it, it goes by so fast" when I'm having a hard time with something. NOT HELPFUL. First of all, I've never yet missed the infant stage. Always been glad when it was over and never got wistful about it. Whenever I have another baby, it's not because I want a cute little baby but because I want to add another child to the family. Secondly, if I do come to miss it in the future, so what? Yeah, time goes by, and has a way of making everything look better than it was (like when people talk about the good ol days, which were never really as good as everyone remembers them). The idea that I'll be nostalgic later does not help to deal with the very real issue now. The problem is still a problem that needs to be dealt with. Just because I might one day "miss" the way a toddler stamped his foot in a really cute way while tantruming, well, I still need to manage the tantrum in the moment and work on teaching the kids not to tantrum so he's not still doing it at 10. I know I'll laugh one day about the bathroom words, but right now, I need to teach them not to talk that way, not "enjoy it". Sure, I might one day miss kids popping in for a cuddle in the middle of the night, but if I'm dead because my sleep deprivation caused me to crash my car, well, I won't be around to "enjoy it". So yeah, if I'm asking for help with something, I don't want to hear that I need to enjoy it. Keep it to yourself!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 7:32 am
YES! You are totally entitled to feel the way you do. Everyone experiences their kids differently, and for different reasons.

Mostly, I just tell people "This too shall pass", and daven that it gets better.

Sometimes easy babies turn into difficult kids, fussy babies can be easy teenagers, some kids are just born easy, and some are a challenge from day one.

There is no cookie cutter way to be a parent, we just muddle through as best we can.

Big hugs to you. Hug
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 7:32 am
You don't have to enjoy the middle of the night wakings or the tantrums, but yes, with my younger kids I really do enjoy the good moments more - cuddles, bedtime stories, funny things they say - then with my older kids, maybe because I realise now how quickly they grow up.

Take lots of photos and videos so you can enjoy the moments when you are not so sleep deprived. Smile
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 7:37 am
its a philosophical stance - if you look for joy in life, it makes the day better. Of course you still need to deal with the challenges.

perhaps say 'uh, huh - I do my best, but do you have advice on dealing with tantrums, that's the wisdom I'm looking for at the moment".

People just say things, to say things.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 7:42 am
I definitely enjoy my baby more now that I have older kids. With the older ones I just wanted them to grow up. But I now appreciate the innocence and simplicity and how fast it all goes by.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 8:20 am
I find this blogger batty fifty ways to Sunday, but I loved this post.

http://momastery.com/blog/2012.....diem/
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 8:27 am
I just lost a long post. I'll make this quick.
There was a recent Mishpacha essay about an empty nester who - gasp - didn't miss the kids, was happy with this stage in life.
I'm the last person to tell you to "Enjoy every moment!" I lived for years identifying with the bumper sticker, "Student driver. Please don't honk, I'm pedaling as fast as I can." I wouldn't say enjoy every moment as much as live some moments through these years. Not every moment, life seems a blur. But endorse yourself for doing what it sounds like you're doing: tending to their basic needs, giving them healthy life experiences, nurturing other relationships. Stop for a moment when you have one of those transcendent moments of b"H clothes in the first world are cheap and plentiful and b"H we have enough to dress respectably and I have people for whom to do all this laundry/cook all this food/to chauffeur to school (and b"H we can live freely as Jews, no Iron Curtain, etc.).

This is what life is about.
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cozyblanket




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 9:06 am
Zehava wrote:
I definitely enjoy my baby more now that I have older kids. With the older ones I just wanted them to grow up. But I now appreciate the innocence and simplicity and how fast it all goes by.


This is me.

Sometimes they may not have any new advice on tantrums... And just tell u to enjoy it instead. Am I making sense? I didn't sleep well last night either...
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amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 9:24 am
Oh, I definitely enjoy the good moments, and I usually have a good attitude about the kinds of things that, while frustrating in the moment, will be something to laugh about down the line. And I'm not really the type to kvetch about everything. It just really gets me when I'm dealing with a difficult phase (not one moment but something that's been ongoing for awhile and I haven't figured out a good way to handle yet) and the answer is that I should enjoy this stage of life and one day I'll miss it. It's one thing to say, hang in there, it's a phae, it'll pass. I just don't appreciate being told to enjoy everything about motherhood when I'm having a hard time with something. Not everything about motherhood is enjoyable. Dare I say, some of it actually sucks. I can appreciate my blessings and that the best parts do make the whole thing more than worth it without having to sugarcoat that the bad are bad and not something I have to be happy about.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 10:00 am
OP, I totally agree. When something is difficult, the last thing I want to hear is guilt for not enjoying it.
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5S5Sr7z3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 11 2018, 10:09 am
Are you kidding me??!?! I don't miss the baby stage at all. I'm glad it's over and done with. I'm enjoying my kids much more now that they're older instead of wishing time would just hurry up so they grow up a bit. Should you ever get nostalgic about having a baby around, offer to babysit a niece or nephew. You'll get over the feeling real fast.

Not everyone is cut out to spend infant years in absolute bliss.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 12 2018, 8:41 am
amother wrote:
Oh, I definitely enjoy the good moments, and I usually have a good attitude about the kinds of things that, while frustrating in the moment, will be something to laugh about down the line. And I'm not really the type to kvetch about everything. It just really gets me when I'm dealing with a difficult phase (not one moment but something that's been ongoing for awhile and I haven't figured out a good way to handle yet) and the answer is that I should enjoy this stage of life and one day I'll miss it. It's one thing to say, hang in there, it's a phae, it'll pass. I just don't appreciate being told to enjoy everything about motherhood when I'm having a hard time with something. Not everything about motherhood is enjoyable. Dare I say, some of it actually sucks. I can appreciate my blessings and that the best parts do make the whole thing more than worth it without having to sugarcoat that the bad are bad and not something I have to be happy about.


I pretty much agree. You are leading a blessedly normal life and doing a fine job of it.
Normal tantrums aren't bad, but normal. I especially remember the toddler and post-toddler tantrums, when largely they were because the tantrumer couldn't express him or herself well yet and/or due to overtiredness. (Mine didn't exactly help Twisted Evil ) They're phases that pass, and if we can handle them passably and not lose it, or too often or too egregiously, the kids will be fine.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Thu, Apr 12 2018, 9:44 am
Would it hurt to find the positive? When I tried to chill out and enjoy the crazy stage more I found more joy in my day. Did it help w sleepless nights and crazy tantrums?! No! But it put more love and laughter in my life and helps my life not become a mushy blur
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 12 2018, 10:03 am
I think some of you may be taking this too literally.

"Enjoy this time" is not a command or a directive. It's a common social construct that really means, "ah, I miss those good times in my own life."

A response, whether spoken or thought, could be, "hmm, sounds like you really miss those days."

It has absolutely nothing to do with your current feelings, or the challenges of parenting a small child. If asked, the speaker will probably acknowledge that they remember what the hard times were like, too.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Apr 12 2018, 11:31 am
amother wrote:
I find this blogger batty fifty ways to Sunday, but I loved this post.

http://momastery.com/blog/2012.....diem/


Why do you find her "batty fifty ways to Sunday"? Almost everything she writes (including her books) really resonated with me!
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 13 2018, 8:25 am
We should try to create memories and enjoy what we have, but yes, it's very unhelpful for people to go "enjoy".
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amother
Gray


 

Post Fri, Apr 13 2018, 8:33 am
amother wrote:
Why do you find her "batty fifty ways to Sunday"? Almost everything she writes (including her books) really resonated with me!


Perhaps unstable would be a better word than batty. She's an emotional mess, and I think she redefines her religion to mean whatever she wants it to be. She and her husband got divorced and she almost immediately married a woman who, like her, has substance abuse issues. On the other hand, I think she's really good at getting across an important message - that life can be hard, but you can endure and even thrive.
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