Calming My Child's Fear of War

thunderstorm

Wed, Apr 11 2018, 8:24 pm

My DS age 7 just asked me if it's true that there will be a war in America? His substitute teacher was discussing current events. He told me he feels shivery and is really scared to fall asleep because of it.
I tried calming him by saying it's not a guarantee that there would be war and if there is one it's the soldiers that will be fighting in a different country far away.
He said he feels cold and "shivery" all over his body and is afraid to go to sleep. What can I say that will calm him down?
Any Israeli mothers please chime in as well since this is something you probably have to deal with every so often.

Kiwi13

Wed, Apr 11 2018, 8:41 pm

I’m not an expert on these things at all, but based on my own limited experience I think it’s best to be honest with him (age appropriately) about the fact that war IS scary, and it’s okay to be scared. Trying to downplay the dangers and fears will probably backfire and he’ll feel like you don’t understand/can’t help him, and might make his fears worse and more lonely. At the same time though it’s important to teach him ways to cope with these fears, and tell him that nobody can predict with certainty if or when there will be a war or any other tragedy. Only Hashem can know. We daven and we do our best to stay safe, but ultimately it is is Hashem’s hands, our lives are always in Hashem’s hands. Encourage your son to ask all his questions and express his fears to you. Really listen to him and be there with him. Admit when you don’t have the answers. Don’t try to package it up neatly, it’s a messy subject. If needed, seek out experienced/professional guidance.

Kiwi13

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 12:18 am

DrMom wrote:

Why did his substitute teacher even say such a thing to a room full of impressionable 7-year-olds?

What class was she teaching?

Good point. But regardless, kids are bound to learn scary things eventually, from any number of sources and experiences. It’s good to be prepared with strategies to help them process and cope. My kids are very little right now but I’m following this thread for future reference.

Tzutzie

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 12:26 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

There have been too many tragedies in my community.
The other day there was a conference from mrs. Klaristenfeld about how to be there for your kids when they scared.

It was really powereful. What she said was that up to the age of 9 or so, the best way is to do what Kiwi suggested and to "be there physically for your child" a hug, a cuddle, lay with him till he falls asleep. That at that age, their mothers/fathers presence is the most affective thing to give them back their sense of security. You should like a great mother! Good luck and sweet dreams to your son.

DrMom

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 12:44 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

Yes, but when a person of authority (like a teacher) says such a thing, it takes on more significance than if they hear something from a friend on a playground.

What kind of war was this teacher predicting? And against whom?

I don't think kids need to be completely shielded from possibilities of danger, but it is irresponsible to make 2nd graders panic needlessly.

Teomima

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 1:01 am

As an Israeli mother I'm actually not all that sure my advice could help, since the threat there is really only perceived, whereas here it's quite real.

I'm of the school of open honesty with my children, yet with the emphasis of there being an entire network in place to protect them. Yes, my children have been woken in the middle of the night due to sirens going off and heard actual rockets fall in the distance, but their parents were right there with them keeping them safe. They've been through drills at school (and the real thing, too), but they know their teachers will keep them safe.

I suppose, if there's not an actual, active threat, you could take two approaches (which don't necessarily contradict each other): you could tell them that it just won't happen, and/or you could discuss what the immediate steps would be to protect them and keep them safe should there be an actual attack. Think fire drills, the way you and your school prepares (I hope!) your child for what to do should there be a fire.

Growing up (in the States) I remember having fire, duck & cover, and tornado drills at school. But because we were taught exactly what to do (not that duck& cover would actually protect anyone from a nuclear attack), it was easier to not be so afraid.

thunderstorm

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 8:02 am

DrMom wrote:

I was also surprised about this, but my brother in a different city said that his son was told the same thing yesterday, also by a substitute and the substitute was discussing that it's zman mashiach etc.
They are all discussing a world war , Russia threatening America if the US bombs Syria etc. and how France and England are on board with the US etc. (my life has been so hectic lately I wasn't paying attention to politics, but it seems like my kids were. My teens are also talking about it)

mandksima

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 1:59 pm

If the substitute was addressing the issue because it is the zman moshiach now, then that is very appropriate. Maybe he assumed the regular teacher was always talking about moshiach and therefore when something major is brewing, it is applicable to insert how the current issue could be the real deal. I am sure he didn't mean to instill fear but wanted to get the children to realize what could be happening and how it is exactly what Hashem has planned for us. It is all good!

In our house, we are always talking about politics, weather changes and world events and how they relate to moshiach's time through various nevuot. It is something every child and adult should be familiar with and no current events should be shocking. We should be excited and at the same time daven hard for lots of rachamim and the Jews should be saved from all of the effects of war that is to be fought between the non Jews. We need to see an approaching war as a wake up call to do teshuva and re-realize priorities.

I live in Israel where it is normal to explain to young kids about the holocaust. They know about attacks and deaths in Israel. We don't shield them because they need to understand the realities of life, to pay attention to events around them for safety reasons as well and we need their pure, innocent tefillah. Don't underestimate them. They are way braver than adults sometimes and they can understand big issues. If we baby them or shield them from current events going on around them, we aren't doing them any favors. Better to build up their bitachon and emunah and teach them how to say tehillim with the news of war, whether it actually happens now or not. Teach them to look forward to moshiach and the changes in the world it will bring. Have them get excited to leave their places which are outside Israel. Tell them their home is temporary and their real home will be here, in Yerushalim, as soon as possible, BEH! If none of this is ever said, a disservice is being done to your children. Don't scare them but get them excited. Imagine no parent in mitzrayim told their children that one day they would be freed and saved by Hashem and it was all a big shock. They learn Torah in school. They need to live the reality of what is written for our near future.