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Help me understand my child please
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amother




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Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 5:54 pm
dd is 4 yrs old. she is shy between anyone she doesnt know well. shes the kind of child that if you walk in the street and I meet a neighbor she will hide behind me even if the neighbor doesnt say anything to her. if she doesnt see my mother in law for a few weeks she gets very uncomfortable and doesnt want to see her. she would rather not talk to her. my mother in law is very good with kids.

she doesnt interact with the kids in school. shes in nursery. she is getting speach and ot. to help her with all that.

what is it that makes her not want to interact with people. sometimes she will tell me she wants friends but when I take her she chickens out right in front of the girls house and tells me she doesnt want to go.

sometimes if neighbors come she interacts with them and sometimes not.

I am going to go to a professional evalutation to a bcba. but I would really want to understand her. since I am very social. and I also dont feeel comfortable in all social interactions but this is much more then I am.

if I go to someones house she doesnt know she gets nervous and refuses to go in. I have to pick her up and force her. even saying to her I will be there with her doesnt help. she never went to babysitters. she started school this year.

why is she so uncomfortable and even refuses to socialize with others? now I know she does one on one and when she knows them well. or someetimes even when she doesnt know them well she will speak to them.

is shhe an introvert? my dh is. he doesnt interact alot with people. he has no friends. he says he doesnt want them. has his reasons for it. I does interact with people when he needs to.

im soo confused. please help me unravel this puzzle. signed a puzzled mom.
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amother




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Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 6:06 pm
I have some questions about all that I wrote. should I force her to go between people? my mother in law comes should I force her to go talk to her? or just let her stay in her room play there?

should I force her to come to other peoples houses to play? like a classmate. someone she actually knows.

or should I just leave her alone and let her do it all the way she wants. and when shes ready shhe will socialize on her own? I know she needs help. can you tell I am so confused????
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FranticFrummie









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 6:09 pm
Some kids go through a really shy phase, to the point where it almost looks like a phobia. Some people never grow out of it, but most people do.

Just keep doing everything you're doing right now. The most important thing is to not shame or push your DD too hard. I'm sure she would love to be happy and have fun, but she's just not able to regulate those emotions yet. Give her time and patience.

Whatever you do, don't ever let her see that her shyness is bothering you. Then she'll think she has what to freak out about.
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amother




Smokey


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 6:32 pm
Oh the challenges of raising a child unlike you! I can't take responsibility of telling you your daughter is perfectly fine without seeing her but I suspect she is. Please do not push her to do things she is uncomfortable doing. You are very different and cant imagine why she is this way. Many children are! I'm more concerned that the fuss you are making is creating an unnecessary insecurity in her that there is something she is doing wrong etc. She must sense your distress and THAT is a concern. Age 4 is very young still. As long as she has the ability to interact appropriately you should not concern yourself with how often etc.
Signed- a morah for decades
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 6:43 pm
Never force her into doing something she’s too shy to do.
Encourage her but don’t force. And give the impression that either way is fine.
My dd is also super shy with strangers but super social with her good friends.
She’ll find her way.
Make sure you show her you love her just the way she is and she doesn’t need to change at all.
You can teach her that sometimes it’s important to push yourself into something you’re shy about like allowing the doctor or dentist to see her. And sometimes it’s not so important and when she’s ready she can do it. Like saying hello to a neighbor.
Explain to family members that she is shy and they shouldn’t expect a warm hello from her. Rather a gradual relaxed warm up during the visit until she’s ready to interact.
They can speak to her in a warm way. Saying things that don’t require a response. Your dress is so pretty for example instead of asking questions.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 7:10 pm
It's social anxiety/mild agoraphobia. Is she generally anxious? It's common, but not necessarily "normal". That doesn't mean she doesn't deserved to be loved and supported just the way she is right now, but OP don't feel bad if you feel there's something here you can "fix". Therapy can help, but IME, diet changes and supplements help even more.
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mommyla









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 7:22 pm
amother wrote:
It's social anxiety/mild agoraphobia. Is she generally anxious? It's common, but not necessarily "normal". That doesn't mean she doesn't deserved to be loved and supported just the way she is right now, but OP don't feel bad if you feel there's something here you can "fix". Therapy can help, but IME, diet changes and supplements help even more.


I don’t know, this sounds like pretty normal shyness to me. She’s 4! OP, forcing her to go to friends’ houses and talk to people when she doesn’t want to will make it worse. Invite a good friend to your house a bunch of times before expecting her to go to the friend.

My daughter is the same age and is a total social butterfly, but she still prefers playing on her own turf than at friends’ houses most of the time. Your reaction seems a bit over the top to me.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 7:32 pm
mommyla wrote:
I don’t know, this sounds like pretty normal shyness to me. She’s 4! OP, forcing her to go to friends’ houses and talk to people when she doesn’t want to will make it worse. Invite a good friend to your house a bunch of times before expecting her to go to the friend.

My daughter is the same age and is a total social butterfly, but she still prefers playing on her own turf than at friends’ houses most of the time. Your reaction seems a bit over the top to me.
The jury's still out on this, but IME shyness is very often rooted in anxiety. OP as a mom can discern if her child's shyness is attached to negative feelings/fear. The way she described her wanting to go but chickening out at the door, that sounds like anxiety to me. She wants to socialize, but her fear is holding her back. I may very well be wrong, but it's what it sounds like to me.
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 7:34 pm
Totally normal (most likely). I agree with the above posters. One thing I want to add is that it always bothers me a parent says, “oh, she’s shy,” in front of the kid. I don’t think there’s a reason to label her as being shy - she will remember that and that will be her reality. You can say “she needs a few minutes to warm up” or “maybe in a little while she’ll want to say hello.”
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amother




Wheat


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 7:42 pm
She sounds very shy. And yes, shyness is a form of anxiety. I don't know why you're pursuing an evaluation with a bcba. What are you hoping to accomplish with that? The speech and OT can either be helping or hurting, depending whether or not they actually know how to address anxiety. What can definitely help is seeing a child psychologist. This is what they specialize in.
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imasinger









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 11:36 pm
There are all kinds of reasons a child could be shy.

But in general, a good rule in understanding any child is to give them the benefit of the doubt, and not force them when they are anxious. You get a lot further with gentle encouragement.

This means that if she wants to play with a friend, but chickens out in front of their house, you could see if the get together could start at a park, and then go in with her to a friend's house when she is ready. Limit the time you will be there, offer rewards for her bravery, praise her for stretching herself.

Talk to her teachers about what works in school.

If your MIL is good with kids, she will know how to greet her gently and give her space. You can facilitate that relationship by encouraging your DD to speak with her on the phone between visits.

Your job is to be her coach and cheerleader.

Hatzlacha!
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salt









  


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 8:45 am
Rachel Shira wrote:
Totally normal (most likely). I agree with the above posters. One thing I want to add is that it always bothers me a parent says, “oh, she’s shy,” in front of the kid. I don’t think there’s a reason to label her as being shy - she will remember that and that will be her reality. You can say “she needs a few minutes to warm up” or “maybe in a little while she’ll want to say hello.”


I was going to say this too. Don't label her as 'shy' in front of her. If you say she's shy she'll be shy.
Sounds like normal shyness to me.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:32 am
Agree with the other posters. This sounds perfectly normal for some kids this age.
At four years old children are just realizing that the world is not a 100% safe place, and they are trying to figure out their place in the world, what is safe, how they should interact, etc.

My daughter was the same way and now is a social butterfly, not even scared to take a lead role on stage.

I think you may be doing the wrong thing seeking therapy. Why does a kid have to know she had therapy simply because she didn't have the confidence of an adult at age 4?
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amother




Blush


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:39 am
thank you to everyone for your input.

I love my dd dearly. she is the sweetest, softest kindest gentlest girl I have seen. and I dont mind if she doesn't socialize a lot. its all fine. I just want to help her be her best.

also the reason I am pursuing an eval is because the school is driving me nuts. they think there is something terribly wrong with her. they dont have a degree in education so I dont really want to accept what they are saying. so I figure an eval will clear things up a bit.

to be totally clear, dh is like her. hes an adult so he doesn't exhibit these childish behaviors. but he explained some of this to me too. the social aspect. dh thinks she will find her way socially and that the school is making a big deal because she is an introvert. like him. happy to be on their own. dont need a lot of socialization. yet society doesn't see things this way.

society thinks all people are social. and doesn't look at the fact that introverts are happy being on their own. she is ok with family members and doesn't need a lot of socialization. yes she can learn social skills.

so for that I will give her the necessary help and let her be herself.

yes your right to encourage her to go be social yet dont force her
your right not to tell people shes shy, just to give her time to warm
its a good idea to meet her friends in the park and then eventually at their house or for them to come to me.
so many good suggestions here. I am so grateful to all of you for your kind advice and encouragement and chizuk. thank you to you all!
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amother




Puce


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 10:02 am
I do not think it’s totally normal! (As everyone feels so confident to say) Honestly A lot of points sound concerning.
You should definitely look into getting her help, so that she doesnt fear social situations.
Trust me, I know a couple people like this, and in 5th, 8th, 12th grade.... they were still like this!
That being said.
The type of help you are getting seems confusing?
Speech and OT? What does that have to do with shyness?
Eval by a BCBA? AbA therapy is for Behaivoral therapy.
It sounds like your barking up the wrong tree.
Do proper research, and find a good child social worker.
Someone who deals with selective mutism and extreme shyness.
Just to add, yes- it’s possible she may be young, and its a stage and all that....
But it’s possible not.
Let a professional decide that for you.
But again- someone who is experienced in this field!
And I agree with other posters- never force. It wont help.
Good luck!
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amother




Gold


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:28 am
I think you’re taking a typical shyness and making it into a problem.
Some children are extremely shy. They outgrow it. They don’t need therapy.

At the worst they stay an introvert forever.
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amother




Yellow


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 12:12 pm
I'm sorry I just have to pipe in here. Selective mutism? Extreme shyness? this is not at all what was mentioned. Really. Unless the school has mentioned these as a possibility, the behaviors described are hardly so severe.
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 3:04 pm
amother wrote:
I do not think it’s totally normal!
You should definitely get her help.
Trust me, (I know a couple people like this) if you dont get help now, it’s possible she may be like this in 5th, 8th, 12th grade....
That being said.
The type of help you are getting seems confusing?
Speech and OT? What does that have to do with shyness?
Eval by a BCBA? AbA therapy is for Behaivoral therapy.
It sounds like your barking up the wrong tree.
Do proper research, and find a good child social worker.
Someone who deals with selective mutism and extreme shyness.
Just to add, yes- it’s possible she may be young, and its a stage and all that....
But it’s possible not.
Let a professional decide that for you.
But again- someone who is experienced in this field!
And I agree with other posters- never force. It wont help.
Good luck!


Most kids outgrow these kinds of behaviors before they’re in 12th grade. You will know in another year or two if it seems like something to actually worry about. For now, be encouraging and casual about it. But I agree that if you are going to pursue some sort of help, OT and ABA are not the right ones.
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amother




Puce


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 3:31 pm
amother wrote:
I'm sorry I just have to pipe in here. Selective mutism? Extreme shyness? this is not at all what was mentioned. Really. Unless the school has mentioned these as a possibility, the behaviors described are hardly so severe.


I would think that a child not talking to her classmates at this point in the year, sounds pretty severe to me.
I am not here to diagnose this girl at all. The reason why I mentioned severe shyness and selective mutism- is because if the therapist has experience in that field- she will better be able to help.
I didnt say the girl has selective mutism.
Though again- a child who is shy to talk to her grandmother, hides behind her mother when she goes outside, refuses to walk into peoples houses, doesnt talk to classmates.... well that just doesnt sound too great to me.
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amother




Puce


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 3:33 pm
amother wrote:
The jury's still out on this, but IME shyness is very often rooted in anxiety. OP as a mom can discern if her child's shyness is attached to negative feelings/fear. The way she described her wanting to go but chickening out at the door, that sounds like anxiety to me. She wants to socialize, but her fear is holding her back. I may very well be wrong, but it's what it sounds like to me.


Couldnt agree more!
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