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"But WHY don't you want me to go to her house?"
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amother




Brunette


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 9:48 pm
DD (7) has a kid in her class who gives me a weird feeling. I can't put my finger on something specific but the mom feels "off" to me. It's likely just poor social skills and it's sad for someone to suffer because of that, but my feeling is that without me having an opportunity to get to know the family better (they don't live near me and have only invited this DD) then how do I know if they're missing other important skills as well? If the kid wanted to come here I would invite her and just keep my eye on things, but the kid is just very persistently inviting DD to her house. And DD is very persistently asking why I have not OK'd it.

I'm not interested in questioning my gut feeling on this or trying to get to know the family better or anything. I feel that this is the time I'm going to play my "put yourself first" card. I just can't figure out the right chinuch-appropriate way to approach it with DD. DD herself is not the most socially astute, she needs things spelled out and here there isn't really anything I feel like spelling out to her. And I especially don't want anything insulting to get back around to this kid or even anyone else in the class.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:00 pm
Has anyone watch molly #3 this chalo miod? Seems like the same story.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:05 pm
amother wrote:
Has anyone watch molly #3 this chalo miod? Seems like the same story.

No idea what you're talking about but please enlighten me.
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amother




Copper


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:10 pm
Have her come to your house where you can watch the interactions and get a better handle on the situation.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:12 pm
amother wrote:
Have her come to your house where you can watch the interactions and get a better handle on the situation.

I'm trying. Meanwhile it seems the invitations are one-way... I gather the child may have a stronger personality than mine. I'm not a fan of this shidduch but like I said if it's on my turf we could at least give it a fair try.
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amother




Seafoam


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:21 pm
When in this situation I simply explain to my child that I don't know the family and she can't play there. My kids have come to accept this. She can play by your house if your daughter wants you to get to know them, but until that time she needs to understand that you won't allow it.
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imasinger









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:23 pm
"Sometimes, when I don't know the family, I like the first playdate to be at our house, so I can get to know your friend. This is one of those times. That's my rule right now."
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amother




Brunette


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:24 pm
imasinger wrote:
"Sometimes, when I don't know the family, I like the first playdate to be at our house, so I can get to know your friend. This is one of those times. That's my rule right now."

"But you let me play at Tova/Esther/Leah's house and you don't know their families either!"
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imasinger









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:26 pm
"I realized that I preferred to know the girls. Since I already said yes to those playdates, I'm still letting, but now and in the future I am trying to be more connected. I might change my mind again at some point, but that's how it is for right now."
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amother




Copper


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:27 pm
amother wrote:
I'm trying. Meanwhile it seems the invitations are one-way... I gather the child may have a stronger personality than mine. I'm not a fan of this shidduch but like I said if it's on my turf we could at least give it a fair try.


Does your dd want to go? Does she not want to invite the friend to your house? How does she feel about the friendship?
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amother




Brunette


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:34 pm
amother wrote:
Does your dd want to go? Does she not want to invite the friend to your house? How does she feel about the friendship?

She's interested and she wants to go. She's more shy in general about inviting friends here, when they ask to come she accepts but the most she'll do on her end is ask me to arrange something for her (which I do sometimes, but most of the kids seem to initiate themselves.) But she's a pushover, if she tells the other girl that she wants her to come here instead and the other girl says "I asked you first" or something like that, she gives up right away.
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amother




Copper


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:41 pm
amother wrote:
She's interested and she wants to go. She's more shy in general about inviting friends here, when they ask to come she accepts but the most she'll do on her end is ask me to arrange something for her (which I do sometimes, but most of the kids seem to initiate themselves.) But she's a pushover, if she tells the other girl that she wants her to come here instead and the other girl says "I asked you first" or something like that, she gives up right away.


I have a dd the same age, and I always speak to the mother. Imho it is too young to be making plans on their own, and the plans are not reliable. If my dd gets a call, I tell her to tell her friend that her mommy wants to speak with friend's mommy.

If your dd is ok with the friend coming to your house, the next time the friend calls I would ask her directly if she can put her mom on the phone. You can tell the mom that your dd would prefer the friend come to you, is that ok? Even at 7, I think this is perfectly normal. Worst thing, they'll think your dd is shy. So what.
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 10:50 pm
I think you should call her teacher and discuss with her what the family and mom are all about.
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imasinger









  


Post  Sun, Apr 15 2018, 11:24 pm
OP, can you call the mother and invite the girl over?

Once it has been scheduled, your DD will probably be happy. She may just not be comfortable pushing back.
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cheeseaddict









  


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 4:26 am
I think it's a great teaching opportunity!
I'd tell her:
I'd love to have your friend come over HERE to play, but I have a funny feeling in my stomach when I think about sending you over there, and I'm not sure why, but that feeling in your tummy is usually a warning that something is not okay.

Then quickly segue into a discussion on gut feelings and how important it is to listen to them, as they often signal that we are very uncomfortable with what is going on, and it's our body's way of keeping us safe. Ask her if she ever gets that feelingin her tummy, and what she thinks she should do when she gets it... etc.
Just like you trust your gut on this, this is a great time to make her aware of her gut feelings and the fact that if she finds herself in a a situation where for some reason, even one she cannot name, she feel unsafe/uncomfortable - to find a way to get out of that situation/place as soon as possible.

If she asks why you feel it's not okay, tell her honestly - I don't know, but I know to trust my tummy.
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amother




Gold


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 4:29 am
Great idea except that in this case I would not want the girl to know or her family. I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 8:32 am
cheeseaddict wrote:
I think it's a great teaching opportunity!
I'd tell her:
I'd love to have your friend come over HERE to play, but I have a funny feeling in my stomach when I think about sending you over there, and I'm not sure why, but that feeling in your tummy is usually a warning that something is not okay.

Then quickly segue into a discussion on gut feelings and how important it is to listen to them, as they often signal that we are very uncomfortable with what is going on, and it's our body's way of keeping us safe. Ask her if she ever gets that feelingin her tummy, and what she thinks she should do when she gets it... etc.
Just like you trust your gut on this, this is a great time to make her aware of her gut feelings and the fact that if she finds herself in a a situation where for some reason, even one she cannot name, she feel unsafe/uncomfortable - to find a way to get out of that situation/place as soon as possible.

If she asks why you feel it's not okay, tell her honestly - I don't know, but I know to trust my tummy.


I wouldn’t say this only because children repeat things and it may get back to the family or to other children in the class. You aren’t certain that something is not right with the family. They may be fine and it’s not ok to start rumors about them based on a feeling you have and no facts. I’ve declined play dates where I thought my child and the friend did not play nicely together, if I didn’t know the family, or if it was just not a good time for it. At 7 years old, it’s very reasonable to be hesitant to send a child to just anyone by themselves. It’s fine to say no to your child if you’re not comfortable without giving her a reason. Alternatively, you can have a play date in the park, where both parents are present, speak to the mother and get to know her first, or stay for the play date if the parent is alright with that.
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amother




Black


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 8:37 am
amother wrote:
I wouldn’t say this only because children repeat things and it may get back to the family or to other children in the class. You aren’t certain that something is not right with the family. They may be fine and it’s not ok to start rumors about them based on a feeling you have and no facts. I’ve declined play dates where I thought my child and the friend did not play nicely together, if I didn’t know the family, or if it was just not a good time for it. At 7 years old, it’s very reasonable to be hesitant to send a child to just anyone by themselves. It’s fine to say no to your child if you’re not comfortable without giving her a reason. Alternatively, you can have a play date in the park, where both parents are present, speak to the mother and get to know her first, or stay for the play date if the parent is alright with that.


Completely agree. You don't want to say what previous amother suggested.
You don't want your DD repeating to her friend "My mom just has this funny feeling that something's wrong with your family."
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cheeseaddict









  


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:31 am
amother wrote:
Completely agree. You don't want to say what previous amother suggested.
You don't want your DD repeating to her friend "My mom just has this funny feeling that something's wrong with your family."


A 7 year old is old enough to know to avoid saying something if will be hurtful.
That can be part of the conversation - that you don't need to defend your decision to follow your gut, but you do need to be mindful of other people's feelings.
You can tell her to answer anything from - "My mommy said she just prefers when friends come over to my house" to "Because" to "I don't know", and tell her to just repeat it if pushed. You can ask her what she feels most comfortable saying.

This is just my opinion, though.
Don't do it if your gut tells you it's not the right thing Wink
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amother




Ginger


Post  Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:52 am
I disagree that 7 year old have social skills to understand what not to say. no they dont. very social kids like that are few and far apart.

we need to model to them whats appropriate. when she gets older and you see she can understand social nuances and appropriateness you can explain until then you dont go into discussion. I remember I was older then that and did this stupid mistake and I think about it till today and im ashamed. my parents werent smart enough to not say certain things to me. and im sure I hurt this girl. no she was not the best match for me. but hurting someone is way worse. and shes a fine nice woman today. just not my type.
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