Why is hosting so difficult for me?

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 1:53 pm

I think it’s really about organization. It sounds like OP either works or has a hectic schedule which makes it even more important to be organized. I’m a huge fan of lists. Real paper and pen lists. If I’m working or have a busy week I will make a detailed menu Tuesday night or Wednesday. Wednesday night is grocery night. Thursday is cooking night. Friday is last minute cooking (that need to be fresh) and Cleaning and setting up. I also like to double things I make and freeze. I don’t do a lot of time consuming things like salad which you need to chop veggies for hours etc. I’ll usually do one salad per meal. My menu usually looks like this: challah, 3 dips or so, appetizer, and salad. Then soup Friday night, or eggs or liver shabbos day, then for the main a meat, a chicken, and 2-3 side dishes depending on what it is. Then dessert

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 10:43 pm

To the OP: I don't get what the chulent was for if not to eat during the meal!! (Shalashudis?!)

Ha. We have challah/dips, chicken soup (full of vegies, chicken, matzo balls, noodles), and dessert Fri night. Same Shabbos day except chulent instead of soup, sometimes a filling salad. Husband and I couldn't be happier with this arrangement. Why do people make themselves miserable? I don't say this disrespectfully, I just feel bad.

sarahmalka

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 11:09 pm

OP two quick tips: I learned that when I have a lot of guests and know I won't be able to sit and enjoy the meal so much, I eat something before the guests come (or at kiddush if I've gone to shul). That way I'm not hungry and not trying to scarf down food quickly then jumping up to clear and serve. Also sometimes to make Shabbos meal prep easier I'll rely on store-bought desserts or pareve ice cream and berries/grapes. Oh I guess 3 tips: I definitely take people up on it when they offer to bring something.

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 1:23 am

amother wrote:

She is not making herself miserable and she goes for the company. She knows what to expect but the first time she didn't. Each family has their own standards and style. I go for Shabbos meals because of the company. But where I live it's standard to have at least a main course consisting of chicken and at least one starch and for Shabbos lunch the cholent. In my circles it's seen a the minimum. It's lichvod Shabbos and therefore should be more courses as compared to a weekday and better food than a weekday.

Again, I don't critisise you for your choices and each family do as they wish.
And I'm sure you are wonderful company to enjoy. But if you would ask me if this is something I would be happy with strictly looking at the menu, well, then my answer is no.

imasoftov

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 6:34 am

sarahmalka wrote:

Well let's leave aside who serves and clears, at my home once a course is on the table, the servers sit down and eat a leisurely meal with everyone else.

watergirl

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 6:49 am

sarahmalka wrote:

When the hostess is up and serving the whole time, it a) makes me feel compelled to join her in the kitchen and miss the meal myself. I cant sit while someone is working. If she tells me to sit then I sit but then... b) honestly I’m annoyed because its the wife that I wanted to visit with over the meal! Sitting at the table with the kids and husbands can be boring if they dont include the women in their conversation. I’m usually pretty good at inserting myself into the conversation but sometimes its not wanted by the husband (not mine, the host). Its MOST uncomfortable when its not a family that I know well and the wife is busy preparing/serving/patchking in the kitchen and I’m at the table and the husband is engaging just my husband.

I really think being a good hostess goes far beyond making tons of impressive dishes. Be with the guests! I came for YOU. Not the aray of dips and dishes. So please SIT and visit with me!

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:37 am

watergirl wrote:

Wow! I couldn't handle the pressure of having you as a guest. My way is to prep the next course, so it is a fresh as possible. I do all plating and garnishing. Get up and go to the kitchen if you need company. Were you promised a restaurant experience ?

etky

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:58 am

Squishy wrote:

It's awkward though, if she was told to sit down by the hostess.
Could be the hostess was just being polite but it could also be that she wants to be alone in the kitchen to focus on the prep that she needs to do for the next course. Or, maybe she is an introvert and needs mini-breaks alone in the kitchen before she goes out again to her guests.
Joining the hostess in the kitchen if the hostess has explicitly told you not to is impolite.

watergirl

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:06 am

Squishy wrote:

Did I say that? I literally said that I go to the kitchen if she is there (to offer help and shmooze) and if she tells me to sit down but she stays in the kitchen the whole time, its uncomfortable. Where on earth do you get from my post that I was promised a restaurant experince? With the plating and garnashing that you said you do, is that what you’re trying to provide? I go for the hosts company, not their food.

And yeah, when its a family that I dont know well who was kind enough to reach out and invite us, its very uncomfortable to be the lone woman at the table!

Last edited by watergirl on Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total

33055

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 1:37 pm

watergirl wrote:

I usually tell the guests to sit down the first time they come to the kitchen. If someone wants to stand there and schmooze, that is fine. What I can't and won't do is prepare food so I can sit at the table to keep a normal person company. Isn't your DH or DC there at the table?

My family enjoys my shabbos meals. They come first. As I said, I won't alter my routine fir a normal person.

imorethanamother

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 4:19 pm

So about the part where the actual meal itself is busy and hard:

1) SIT. I mean it. Just because everyone is finished with their fish course, and you literally just sat down to eat, it doesn't mean you have to leap up and serve the next course. I sit, take my time, converse, etc. Each course. Sometimes, my husband gives me "the eyes" which means it's time for the next course, and I say, "Oh, in a minute I'll serve the next course, but if you guys want to bring your dishes into the kitchen?"

This way, I don't feel like the servant the entire time.

2) If someone offers help? Take it. Have that guest mix the salad. Have your husband bring in the dirty plates. Direct scraping of such plates into the garbage (yes, some of them need reminders). If someone offers you part of the meal, take them up on it.

3) GIVE OUT JOBS TO YOUR CHILDREN. Chores are not an evil word. I have my 9 year old son serve, for clarification. Especially before dessert, I go into the room where the kids are playing and yell, "TIME FOR DESSERT! Help me get the plates off and help me serve the cake!" Boom. You've just created a billion helpers. When they get older, one of them can have the "empty the dishwasher" job. You can give them "make the dessert for shabbos" job, especially because our children come home earlier than us working girls on Friday.