Why is hosting so difficult for me?

tichellady

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 4:53 pm

chulentalakiddush wrote:

Yes people do care. And people will judge you. I don't know why we as women do this too each other. Is it because of social media and the fake images of real life we present? the perfect set table and clean adorable children helping you cook and clean and smiling for the camera while they do it? I don't know. I am constantly battling this myself. I enjoy the company and I like tasty food and I want to be seen as having it together (especially as a SAHM- I mean come on what else could I possibly be doing all day) but no one in my family enjoys when I'm an anxiety ball worrying about one meal for a week in advance or eating leftovers for 4 days after. So shouldn't the feelings of my husband, kids and my own matter more than acquaintances who live in walking distance?

A friend moved into the neighborhood. Moving day was on a Friday. I invited the family for that Friday night meal and two years later the husband told me how glad he was that I only made one main dish and no fish or soup course. It was summer, they had little kids and I assumed they'd be exhausted from the move. He still remembers. Turns out I was right.

The moral of the story is: Yes society puts this pressure on us. But its up to us to fight against it one shabbos meal at a time! Cheers

Why do you think people care and judge? I care and judge somewhat if there is really not enough food ( but still appreciate being hosted), but not having tons of variety and options is not something I care about and judge. Why do you think the husband judged you? It sounds like he thought it was a nice meal. I’m not sure why you feel so self conscious about that meal

dancingqueen

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 9:24 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Even if you host a very nice Shabbos meal, nobody can expect you to have high chairs or boosters for all the babies IMO. Parents will simply have them on their lap and bibs parents are definitely supposed to bring from their own home I think. That you have a baby doesn't mean you are expected to have full equipment for all the guests...

People do expect the hosts to have extra high chairs/boosters and we do, but it’s extra cleaning. The bibs are just an example of things that people forget to bring, but keep the host busy running to get this and that.

And I don’t know about op, but some of these shabbos menus and serving suggestions (putting out tins) would be way less food and less of a nice presentation than what everyone else does in some communities when they host and who Wants to be that shvach shabbos host?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 9:43 pm

First and foremost, you need to stop putting that kind of pressure on yourself. Loads of people have told you how to cut your menu, so I won't tell you again, but it should be cut by a minimum of 1/3. Make more of fewer things, the table will look just as lavish. Secondly, you need to get into the habit of freezing things for shabbos. Never make just one cake/kugel/pan of meatballs, etc., make two (or more) and freeze them. Soup freezes great too. I don't cook for shabbos until Wednesday night at least, but I do often make a big pot of soup, or some fruit crisps or cakes on sunday and freeze. Finally, as people say, this WILL get easier with time. You will find some reliable food items that look great, everyone likes and are easy to make. Good luck!

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 9:57 pm

I think the husband really meant it that he was glad. Glad because it made the meal go faster when it's a late friday night with little kids. I take it as he he meant it as a friend- I'm so glad that you were practical and didn't try to impress us when it would really have been way more inconvenient for us.

I remember one pesach I made a one pot meal for shulchan aruch and my husband gave out such a sigh of relief. He would have felt bad not eating what I made but he really wasn't hungry and this way there was no pressure on him.It was genuine. It wasn't a backhanded insult of I can't believe you didn't make more.

amother

Black

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 11:07 pm

I would feel like OP made way too many dishes, but then again, we don't know what community she belongs to. There may be communities where this is a normal way of serving (or else why would someone even think to do this?)

My menu Shabbos morning is:
chopped liver (bought), sometimes sauteed as well
eggs with oil if certain guests are coming who don't eat liver
(DH doesn't eat liver so I give him a piece of the fish made for Fri night. If we weren't home Fri night, he just has salad)
Cole slaw (prepared)
usually another simple salad (lettuce, cukes, peppers, tomatoes with bought dressing or maybe just oil & vinegar)
Pickles if I remembered to put them on the shopping list.
Occasionally if we have too many tomatoes I make Israeli salad
(Oh yes, I used to make a raw corn & pepper salad, and sometimes roasted eggplant with peppers. Haven't done this in a while.)

With the cholent I put kugel and sometimes kishke in the pot, neither of which I made myself.
I also usually have grilled chicken cutlets and sometimes deli.

Dessert is bought ice cream or sherbet. If I was very ambitious I might buy 2-3 colors sherbet and layer with vanilla ice cream, or maybe brownies to serve with the ice cream.

amother

Wine

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 12:11 am

I cook Friday for Shabbos. I don't work. I am out of the kitchen by the afternoon except to put things in and remove things from the oven. I make everything fresh. I don't understand starting earlier in the week unless you work on Fridays.

I make a pretty elaborate Shabbos and have 4 and 5 burners going at a time. I also keep my oven going all day. I make and serve 4 to 6 kinds of fish. I make salads and a choice of mains. I make several starches and quite a few roasted vegetables. I also make desserts. I also make an elaborate chulent.

I do have someone to help me in the kitchen and to clean up. The $50 having someone there to help is totally worth it to me.

My family sets and clears the table. I am able to relax and enjoy my guests.

Anonymous because I don't want grief over having help.

Chana Miriam S

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 12:35 am

I’m on vacation until tomorrow afternoon and then Friday I have an order due for 15 ppl an hour away.

I’ll be keeping it simple with fish, chicken and three sides. Challah, grape juice

Granted, I don’t have 15 ppl coming to me but I still have to make shabbat. Keeping it simple is the only way I’m getting this done.

amother

Gold

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 9:19 am

amother wrote:

So now imagine you don’t have the help it would probably take longer.

amother

Wine

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 9:27 am

amother wrote:

So now imagine you don’t have the help it would probably take longer.

I would serve only two or three different fish for example. I might only bake one item and cut down the different roasted vegetables. I used to do it without outside help. DH helped with the cleanup. It always got done in time for shabbos, and cooking only Fridays.

DH did cleanup, so I could workout. Without him maybe I would workout early. But if you are efficient there is no need for Shabbos ti take up the week. I know a woman with 17 kids who does Shabbos in only 3 hours.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

Now 17 kids mom makes Shabbos in only 3 hours. One day it's very possible that all children are married an only her hands will do the cooking (maybe her DH too) Children will be busy with their own families and each Shabbos at least a part of the childen and grand children will be at the meals. 17 kid mom will be on her own again in the kitchen with far less or no help but with the same amount of work or even more.

amother

Wine

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 10:16 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

BH She does it. I used to take a long time to make Shabbos. My DH was talking to her DH and he invited me to watch. I didn't see her having kitchen help. The older kids were busy tending the younger ones. There were a lot of babies when I was there watching her make Shabbos. She just seemed to have 3 arms. She multitasked. She did everything fast.

I guess when you have such a large brood, you need to be efficient.

Raisin

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

So don't eat so much during the fish course.

If there are 3 types of fish and 6 salads and 4 dips and you take only a small taste of each you will be pretty full.

On friday night when I do a big main course I serve 1-2 types of fish, one salad and 2-4 dips. Shabbos day I might do more but then we just have cholent for the main course.

Miri7

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 11:12 am

amother wrote:

Some people are incredibly fast and efficient in the kitchen. DH is like this. He can make a great shabbos in half the time I can and the kitchen stays pretty tidy throughout. He’s like a chef. It’s amazing. So now he cooks.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 12:30 pm

Raisin wrote:

I agree with you. I went to a professional cooking school and a 1st course/appetizer is exactly what it's supposed to be: An appetizer, not a full meal. After that it's either soup or main course (depending if you serve 3 course or 4 course menue)

amother

Wine

Thu, Apr 26 2018, 12:38 pm

Raisin wrote:

You still don't have to eat what is on the table.