Restrictions on food because of cost

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 1:33 pm

My dh seems to believe that children should be taught to eat only as much as they need to not be hungry and not more. He believes foods that are expensive should be consumed sparingly or not at all.
Anything unnecessary should not be eaten.

For example milk for cereal is fine. A cup of milk at lunch is an extravagance.
Yogurt and juice are luxuries. Snacks are luxuries.

How do I convince him what is normal and healthy and stop him from influencing our kids to eat less? Our kids are all skinny and should eat more. I keep telling him not to say a word to the kids and he tries but he tells me he can’t handle seeing the kids eat so much (in his opinion)
Also how much is a normal amount for teenagers to eat? More than an adult?

33055

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 1:39 pm

I don't think food should be restricted because of cost, but I firmly believe the frum community is obsessed with constant feeding.

Everytime I get in a car, the snacks come out. The shabbos parties which consist of plastic bags filled with nosh are unnecessary. I see kids with sacks of food on trips. The nosh delivered to campers is insane.

I think you should go to a nutritionist and ask what is reasonable because the population on this site probably is skewed to over feeders.

keym

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:02 pm

tichellady wrote:

Is $ extremely tight? Teenagers can eat huge quantities. I agree that your husband should not be policing your children’s eating. You are allowed to set limits on foods that are more expensive ( no more than one yogurt per day etc) but there should be other options so that no one is hungry.

To add to this, certain foods themselves are not necessary but food groups are. For example no one needs yogurt if they are getting cheese and milk. But restricting milk is not a good idea especially for teenage and preteen girls.
Same for snacks. Most nutritionist would reccomend 3 meals 2 snacks but it doesnt have to be cookies. Apple and peanut butter or crackers with chumus are nutritious and not too expensive.
If hes restricting that, then id go to the pediatrician, a nutritionist, and counseling.

Chayalle

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:10 pm

If he can't handle seeing the kids eat so much, he has a problem HE needs to address, not the children.

The children should be policing their own food intake, of course as long as they are within house rules. It's fine to have a rule like - 1 yogurt per person a day - but then they can fill up on peanut butter sandwiches, for example, if they are still hungry. If your husband is deciding how hungry they should be, and how much they should eat to satisfy their hunger, he needs professional help, fast.

Sorry for being so blunt, but this is important. Policing kids food intake in an unhealthy way can lead to major issues later on, like eating disorders and worse.

Miri7

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:11 pm

This is very strange. Did your DH grow up with serious deprivation? Are you all counting every penny?

In our house, we have some items that are just for school lunches, but items that are healthy for growing bodies we don't limit - milk, goat cheese, vegetables, fruits (very expensive!), humus, nuts. They can also have crackers and popcorn. We do try to encourage kids not to eat in the hour or so before a meal so that they fill up on dinner.

Our kids are all very skinny/slender, and some of them do need to eat a bite every two or three hours - their metabolism is so fast they get cranky without some calories. So they often have a couple of crackers with peanut butter, nuts, a hardboiled egg, or some cheese - they do best with a bit of protein rather than just carbs.

What is his issue with "seeing the kids eat so much" - is his issue with food getting wasted (not eaten and thrown away) or actually with your kids eating too much? If your kids are healthy, then I'd talk with him about this. He could do a LOT of harm with introducing these ideas of "excess" and restrictive diets. Skinny kids often have high metabolisms and need calories to keep running - and when they're in a growth spurt, they can be like a bottomless pit. So, keep the healthy food coming, allow some treats, and help your husband understand that kids need food for their bodies and brains to grow. He's only going to hurt them if he introduces his weird restrictive food ideas to them - he needs to work those out for himself.

thunderstorm

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:12 pm

My DH does not believe in restricting food because of costs. However, he is thin and my kids are big and taller than him. Some people just need to eat more and he doesn't "get it". If DS comes home from school and expects to eat something before dinner I allow it whereas DH will say "he doesn't need it". He also doesn't believe a person needs to eat three full meals daily. He comes from a country where breakfast and dinner are small meals (or not served at all) and a huge lunch.
For me it's a difference in our cultures. I can't be deprived of food and I wouldn't allow my kids to be either. Yet at the Shabbos table DH monitors everyone's intake of challah etc and I can't take it.
I dont think kids should snack all day, but eating healthy food and snacks if they are hungry should be allowed. DH thinks it's all in the head and that they are all going to grow up obese. Let's just say that this a subject my DH and I agree to disagree on.

Chayalle

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:23 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

My father also grew up that way (European, big meal during the day) and yet there were certain foods we could have that were not limited, like bread with butter, peanut butter, or grilled cheese - whenever we were hungry. Some things were more limited, especially as I grew up in a big family - so imagine if we each wanted 4 yogurts a day X 12 kids. Juice was also limited, as was chocolate milk, but you could drink as much water or plain milk with your sandwich as you wanted till you were full, you could have non-sugar cereal with milk, etc....you could have basic snacks, like pretzels or snackers, and we were allowed a certain amount of fruit per day.

If it was 10 minutes to supper we would be told to wait. But if we came home from school hungry and it was more than 1/2 hour to supper, it was understood you needed to eat something.

I think it's not normal to decide how much food another person can do with. It is normal to have limits and rules about when and how much certain foods are allowed.

33055

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:38 pm

zigi wrote:

just because there was lunch at school the kids might not have eaten it.. so they can be hungry when they come home

Nah, they all come home starving like they did manual labor. I don't remember coming home to snacks, but my kids get home hours later than I did.

I think a bit of this is clearly lifestyle. There is a current thread where the posters are telling OP that her hosting menu is too much. The posters' menus also would be too much to the rest of the world.

amother

Gold

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:39 pm

I understand your dh. In general, people eat more than they actually need. We really don't need to send so much food down the pipes. In fact, as you might have noticed by now, most of what is consumed comes out the other end of the tunnel.

The thing is that food is so intertwined with emotions, it's so difficult to separate the two. Most people do not eat when hungry. They eat because the clock says it's time to eat, or because the texture or flavor soothes an inner tension.

I'm simplifying things. But I do get where your dh is coming from. And I get where you're coming from. This is one of those topics where it's difficult for the twain to meet. He and you have entirely different and irreconcilable views on this. I don't think either one of you should try to convince the other to change. I think it would be great if the two of you can reach a point where you validate the truth of each other's experience and viewpoint, and agree that it's an irreconcilable one, and figure out a way to live harmoniously despite the differences. It can be done, perhaps with the help of a truly neutral third party. I can think of at least two who are skilled in this.

33055

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:51 pm

amother wrote:

I can't believe there are posters saying they understand his approach and it's okay.
OP didn't say that he wants to stop his kids filling up on cake instead of dinner. She says her kids are skinny because they aren't eating enough.
He doesn't allow them to have even a cup of milk! How can any of you say that this is normal?

You really don't know who is correct from the opening post. That's why I suggested a nutritionist who is trained in correct portions.

I think most of the people in my circles have a distorted relationship with food which is why I suggested an unbiased person.

Her DH does not let them go hungry. She didn't say her kids are skinny from not eating enough. She said her kids are skinny. She can discuss her concerns with the pediatrician. Some people, who are active, have a high metabolism and are naturally thin even if they eat more than someone with a lower metabolism.

abaker

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:52 pm

"you can have a fruit or vegetable if you are hungry" is a common line in our house. healthy foods are almost always allowed. also water is important, make sure to have cups near the tap or water cooler so drinking is encouraged. policing food, especially healthy ones is def not a good idea. is this a new thing with your husband? has he been doing this for years? are the kids hungry after meals or not done eating and he's trying to get them to stop eating?

amother

Olive

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 2:56 pm

Squishy wrote:

Whether or not they are eating enough, it's very wrong to micromanage what teenagers eat. It can lead to very unhealthy obsessions with food. Hearing the husband's side of the story definitely won't change any of that.

observer

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 3:03 pm

abaker wrote:

We have the same line...fruits and vegetables are almost always allowed.

More expensive foods such as yogurts can be limited.

Is it coming from a food issue? A financial standpoint?

I think the nutritionist route is a good one. This way you have a trusted, knowledgeable professional who is a third party, and you can send dh to her if he continues to have concerns.

Not a good idea to make big issues out of food, can ch'v lead to eating disorders etc..

Please go to a nutritionist, for your children's sake.

mandksima

Wed, Apr 25 2018, 3:07 pm

There are religious teachings that prescribe eating up to the point before you are actually full as overeating is easy and that is the way to illness. I'm thinking this is from the Rambam but I might have heard it elsewhere too. Is the OP's dh's reasoning coming from religious reasons??

If not, it does sound too controlling for a parent to place on their children who are growing and may have different needs. If the children feel deprived, that alone can lead to obesity when they are grown and can do what they want. That can create eating disorders as well. It's a fine line as food boundaries especially when it comes to unhealthy snacks or expensive items is very reasonable but considering milk a luxury item is a bot over the top. Water should be encouraged over juices which are totally unnecessary health-wise but milk is a pretty standard and even encouraged to drink enough. We are a dairy free household as I personally think milk is unhealthy with all the hormones and antibiotics used today but for the average family with no aversion to milk, that sounds like too much restriction.

Maybe dh is just a small eater and doesn't get any pleasure out of eating in general and just does it to live. That is hard to put onto children. They may never be like that.