Inadvertently causing someone pain

amother

Green

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 7:53 am

If something you do causes someone else tremendous pain, even though you did nothing wrong, rather the other person is very sensitive or has other things going on in her life etc.. are you held accountable? I don’t think anyone can really know the true answer to this question... just interested in hearing others’ thoughts...

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:26 am

I'm not sure what you mean by "accountable". Should you feel guilty? I don't think so.

Should you apologize? Maybe, if you think it will help the person feel better. If you don't think you should apologize, you can try to at least sympathize with their pain and let them know that you're there for them, and didn't mean any harm.

It never hurts to err on the side of being nice.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:38 am

I don't know your exact situation. Let's say for example, you have 5 kids and easy pregnancies. Your sister is struggling with infertility, and every time you get together she goes home and cries her heart out. You feel terrible for her, but what can you do?

I don't think Hashem is going to hold it against you for that. You have no control over the situation.

Does that help?

amother

Peach

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:40 am

Personally I think the answer is in your response when they notify you that you hurt them. Regardless if they are being over sensitive or not but they felt hurt by your comment. Do you minimize their pain and say oh you are ridiculous for feeling like that or do you respond I'm so sorry that certainly wasn't my intent and I feel bad you took it that way.

If it's the former then there is more an issue of being the cause of your pain if it's the latter then it's just day to day living with human tendencies in this world.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 8:49 am

amother wrote:

Those are all good points.. I guess I’m wondering what happens if you are never told about it.

You can't be held accountable for something you don't know about. If no one tells you, how are you supposed to do anything about it?

That's why on Yom Kippur we ask mechila from people around us, just in case we missed something. It gives everyone a chance to open up, and then we can all start with a clean slate.

It sounds like something in particular is really bothering you. Perhaps you could approach the person and say "I have a feeling that I may have done something that offended you. Is that right, or am I just imagining things? I'd hate to think that I'd hurt you in any way."

leah233

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:08 am

I'm a strong believer in "The road to gehonim is paved with good intentions"

Even so if someone was acting in a normal acceptable manner and had no reason to think their behavior would cause pain to a person they were dealing with I don't see why they are accountable.

Unless afterwards when they became aware of the pain they caused they refused to apologize and try to soothe the hurt feelings they caused.

amother

Green

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:13 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Well actually in this case, I’m the one who was hurt. But it makes me wonder if I may have done similar to others given the circumstances. Would this person have made a different decision knowing the outcome.. would I have...

I know I am being very philosophical. It’s just been on my mind.

amother

Linen

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 9:25 am

Its a very good question.
My guess is that you should let the other person know, even in writing if too hard to say. Also you might feel better naming it and moving forward in the process of letting it go.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 12:24 pm

At a point in my life I caused several ppl pain and wished for otherwise but was not in my hands. I thought gd would curse me and I'd never have good in my life. I davened hard for peace. Bh I have peace now. I don't know why it had to happen but I learned and grew from it

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

Im sorry you got hurt.
Does the person who hurt you know she caused you pain?
I believe that noone really is out to hurt anyone on purpose. The fact that I got hurt is because im very sensitive in that particular
area for whatever reason and I needed to strengthen myself and come to terms with my issue. And thats my problem to work on.
We cant expect people to walk on eggshells all the time wherever they go in case theres something very sensitive bothering the other person and we dont know about.

I got hurt many times and cried many tears abd it took me years to realise that I can try to be careful and not hurt anyone as best as possible.
I can choose how to respond to someone's comment or action because they dont really know whats going on inside another person.

amother

Green

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 1:28 pm

amother wrote:

Did you seek forgiveness from those you hurt?

amother

Linen

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 5:55 pm

Op I hear you. It's true you may not get the response you want. Sometimes with some people you know you never will and sometimes it can be a pleasant surprise and worth the risk it depends on the person and on the relationship. Is it coming from your own "insecurities" or challenges? Only you can be the judge of that. I'd be concerned about the effect this is having on you. Are you are hoping they will be judged and get consequences for something they may not be aware they did? Growth can come out of this whether for you or also the relationship however it sometimes requires a rav or therapist to do so.
Hatzlocha and hugs

southernbubby

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 5:55 pm

There are the sins of omission and the sins of commission. Omission is when we fail to call someone, greet someone, etc., even though we may not realize that we failed to reach out to that person.

Then commission is where we say or do something insensitive.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 6:11 pm

amother wrote:

Did you seek forgiveness from those you hurt?

I didn't. I really didn't see why I should. (It's upsetting how many h.s. teachers can make you feel guilty for not doing so. Like u wont get married...have kids...chvsh.)
I knew I wasn't wrong and that's why I davened for peace. Hshem runs this world I dont need to do something twisted which I dont believe in for the sake of forgiveness. It was a very painful few yrs but bh it really is all good today. Time does heal. And keeping away from those ppl.

Fri, Apr 27 2018, 7:21 pm

Is it maybe day to day happenings and misuse of words? If you only know because the other person told you, then maybe go for "I'm sorry what I said caused you pain. It was not my intention. What changes do you think I can make to my... (fill in, ex. Language, behavior etc.) that will change the outcome?"

happyone

Sun, Apr 29 2018, 1:22 am

If I have 12 children, and my neighbor is struggling with infertility, she may be hurt every time she looks out of her window and sees my children playing outside (no I don't have 12 children. ) If I take a walk with dh after every shabbos meal , my divorced neighbor may feel pain watching us. If I leave at 7am to my job huffing and puffing, some unemployed guy on the block may feel pain that both dh and myself have jobs to run to.
Unless you say something hurtful, or deliberately do something that may pain others, I don't think you're in control if others may be pained.
Our job is not to flaunt our blessings if it can cause others pain, but beyond that, I'm not quite sure what you may be referring to.

I have a super sensitive relative who twists every conversation to walk away with hurt feelings. It comes from low self esteem and a huge complex. I limit my interactions with such people not to get into a situation where I may hurt her.