Going to cemetery if you have parents

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 3:57 pm

What is the source for not going to the cemetery if you have parents? Is it a minhag?

Ruchel

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:01 pm

I've only heard it online, tbh. I don't see how that works, especially for men who do minyan.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:05 pm

Think it’s a minhag, DH’s family has this minhag but he’s not so makpid..

amother

Papaya

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:10 pm

I've never heard of this before.

pesek zman

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:39 pm

Never heard of this

amother

Brown

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:42 pm

Me neither.

And I think I've had enough exposure to Torah to be able to say it must be a minhag I haven't heard of (and not a din as such)

amother

Mauve

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:48 pm

Think it’s a Yekkish minhag.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:48 pm

Me neither. Probably a chasidish thing because it sounds like Kabbalah.

L K

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 4:57 pm

My family has this minhag.
Kept rather stringently by the non-frum parents and grandparents, from Ukraine.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:03 pm

amother wrote:

Me neither. Probably a chasidish thing because it sounds like Kabbalah.

Chassidim spend half their lives in the cemetery..

flowerpower

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:10 pm

amother wrote:

Me neither. Probably a chasidish thing because it sounds like Kabbalah.

Totally not. I never heard of it.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:10 pm

Never heard of this but I don't ever light a yahrzeit candle because my parents are b"h alive. Even for a deceased very close family member.

PinkFridge

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:22 pm

This was not my minhag. If it is your family's, talk to your rav. There is beauty in sticking to mesorah, especially if everything else is right, but OTOH, it might not be necessary or advisable if there is a greater good in going to the cemetery for whatever reason. I wish you well in dealing with a situation that's leading you to feel a need to go, if there is such situation.

amother

Gray

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:26 pm

So the problem with this is the situation my friend had, when her first trip to a cemetery was as an adult, to bury her father(zl) - doubly traumatic.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 5:29 pm

There is also an inyan for women not to go to a cemetery during Niddah.

flowerpower

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 6:14 pm

amother wrote:

Never heard of this but I don't ever light a yahrzeit candle because my parents are b"h alive. Even for a deceased very close family member.

Not even lilu nishmas a big rebbe?

erm

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:05 pm

amother wrote:

Never heard of this but I don't ever light a yahrzeit candle because my parents are b"h alive. Even for a deceased very close family member.

Not even for yom kippur?

erm

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:07 pm

I never heard of this minhag. Are you sure it isn't being mixed up with yizkar?

amother

Ivory

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:08 pm

I've heard of this minhag, and we kept it loosely, but once we became adults it somehow became less adhered to. When my Grandfather passed away we did not go, (we were High School age). But when I lost a friend, (as a married adult) and my Father said it was OK to go and then when my Grandmother passed away all the grandchildren and many of the great grandchildren went. I think it was the first time my sister (who was in her 40's ) was in a cemetery.

Ema of 4

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:10 pm

amother wrote:

Never heard of this but I don't ever light a yahrzeit candle because my parents are b"h alive. Even for a deceased very close family member.

I thought the only person one lights for is a spouse or parent? Not any other close family members.
I’ve never heard of this minhag until I opened this post.
I only light a yartzheit candle on Yom Tov.

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