Going to cemetery if you have parents

boysrus

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:33 pm

how interesting, I never heard of this minhag.
my father always took me with him as a teenager to visit his parents graves.

I know its not straight forward to go to a cemetery when you are niddah or pregnant.. Thats different.

amother

Amber

Mon, Apr 30 2018, 10:56 pm

amother wrote:

I've heard of this minhag, and we kept it loosely, but once we became adults it somehow became less adhered to. When my Grandfather passed away we did not go, (we were High School age). But when I lost a friend, (as a married adult) and my Father said it was OK to go and then when my Grandmother passed away all the grandchildren and many of the great grandchildren went. I think it was the first time my sister (who was in her 40's ) was in a cemetery.

Same here. My mother used to go to her father's kever without us for this reason.

Then when I was 20, my father's mother died. We went to the burial, and since then, we started going to cemeteries.

LisaS

Tue, May 01 2018, 1:49 am

When my husband went to his grandfather's funeral years ago, a relative yelled at him that he shouldn't be at the cemetery because his parents' are both alive. It shook my husband up. But except for Syrian rabbanim, no rabbi he speaks to has heard of this minhag. I support my husband upholding this minhag and daven that my in-laws should live to 120, but not perpetuating the minhag for my kids.

salt

Tue, May 01 2018, 2:17 am

eema of 3 wrote:

I thought the only person one lights for is a spouse or parent? Not any other close family members.
I’ve never heard of this minhag until I opened this post.
I only light a yartzheit candle on Yom Tov.

I haven't heard of this either. Who do you light a yahrzeit candle for on Yom Tov?
Do you mean Yom Kippur, so that you can light the Havdala light from Ner She-shavat afterwards?

amother

Khaki

Tue, May 01 2018, 2:22 am

My mother lights for her grandparents in addition to her parents. That is how this came up. As a child, I saw her lighting for her grandparents and asked if I should do the same for mine who had passed away already and she said not until I have no parents (until 120).

imasoftov

Tue, May 01 2018, 11:46 am

I attended funerals and unveilings with my parents.

I cannot imagine any circumstance that I would yell at someone at a funeral over violating a minhag, my own or someone else's. Probably not even halacha, if I saw a Cohen who didn't know he was supposed to stand over there during the funeral instead of going with everyone else I might discreetly let him know but can't imagine yelling unless there was some physically dangerous situation that people needed to be warned of.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, May 01 2018, 2:16 pm

amother wrote:

There is also an inyan for women not to go to a cemetery during Niddah.

Never heard this. Please explain why?

SixOfWands

Tue, May 01 2018, 2:36 pm

amother wrote:

AFAIK, halachically, you light for the same people you say Kaddish for — parents, spouses, children. Some people may have a minhag to light for others, but it’s not not necessary. So it’s just saying not to light until you halachically must.

More like leaving for yizkor than not going to cemetary.

amother

Mauve

Tue, May 01 2018, 4:49 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Never heard this. Please explain why?

Not sure but think it’s for kabbilstic reasons..

L K

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:21 pm

Those in this thread who said their family or husbands’ has this minhag- is your family a specific chasidus or smth else?

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 4:44 pm

Theres a minhag by chassidim that if you go to the cemetery on the yahrzeit of a parent, you only go to that kever, you dont make stops at other kevarim at the cemetary. Some hold that you may make stops at other kevarim in that cemetery before you go to the parents kever, but not after. Some hold that you can visit the kever of a tzaddik at the same time.

Everyone has different minhagim. I haven't heard of chassidish people not going to cemetery at all if parents are alive. Chassidish people, in general, visit kevarim a lot. Check what's going on with Uman these days....

amother

Tan

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 5:13 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Everyone has different minhagim. I haven't heard of chassidish people not going to cemetery at all if parents are alive. Chassidish people, in general, visit kevarim a lot. Check what's going on with Uman these days....

💯 lots of people go; but my family was very strict about not going when both parent are living — and I’m hoping to find out who else had this minhag, in Ukrainian or maybe even polish communities.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 5:37 pm

I think it is customary in some families based on "pooh pooh pooh ing". Like not to bring ayin hara. In know nothing of a source. I know minhag- it is not, not by chassidish, lubav, yekkish, etc....

I grew up going. My mom never could find a babysitter.

Thisisnotmyreal

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 5:57 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Never heard this. Please explain why?

Nidah represents loss of life, it has to do with death and not bringing more to cemetery... I don't remember. Some hold it's until mikvah many hold just before hefsek tahara.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 6:26 pm

Used to be my family's minhag back in the "old country" Ukraine/belarus/Poland. Even though my mom wasn't frum at the time, she never brought me. My older brother came because he was needed to help to cut down the shrubs and there was no other men in the family (my father was alive, but parents divorced). My mom didn't object when later I went to the kevarim of tzadikim.

amother

Natural

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 8:37 pm

Definitely not a chassidish thing.
Every summer, busses upon busses unload men at satmar rebbes kever.

We always light for big tzaddikim.. My fil lights tons. I never saw so many candles on a tray lit my 1 person, every motza Shabbas.

Whenever we're close to the Canadian border, my husband calls his mother and she lights a candle as a zchus to pass the border uneventful.

amother

Black

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 9:13 pm

My friend is yekkish and her family has the custom of not going to cemetery when parents are alive.

As for going to cemetery when niddah You have a slightly wrong. It’s while you have your period that this would apply to if you even hold of this custom. Meaning while you’re actually bleeding only. Otherwise single girls would never be able to go to a cemetery since they are theoretically always niddah Once they have gotten their period It’s not terrible if you do go but it’s one of those rather not kind of things