Going to cemetery if you have parents

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 10:59 pm

I'm yekkish and never heard of such a thing. Bh both my parents are alive and I attended burials of grandparents, aunt and uncles, dh's relatives etc.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 12:04 am

Ruchel wrote:

I've now heard it.
Many light for more distant too
But I light on yartseit not kippur??

Ask your rabbi. Many prefer to make havdala after Yom Kippur with light from a candle that was lit all through the day. This has nothing to do with yahrzeit or having deceased parents.

As far as not going to cemeteries, the vast majority of behavior surrounding death is minhag. Quite a lot of it has no source whatsoever in halacha, but doesn't contradict halacha either.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 12:29 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Think it’s a Yekkish minhag.

Pretty sure not.
I'm Yekke and I went to the cemetery when my grandparents were niftar.

Per my minhag, you don't light a yartzat candle, stay in for Yizkor, say Kaddish (my dad said Kaddish for my maternal grandparents, as my mom is an only child, but that was only after he lost his parent, not before). Or go to a cemetery or levaya if you are pregnant. I do not know if there is an age that little kids don't go to a cemetery or if it is just not sayach.

Chickensoupprof

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 2:40 am

Also yekkish here never heard of it...I’m going to ask to the older yekkishe

amother

Green

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 4:42 am

The yekke women in my family don't go to the cemetery for a burial. They don't visit the cemetery unless it's for a parent or after they've already lost a parent. We're talking yekkes who live in Washington Heights and daven at Breuer's.

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:43 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Theres a minhag by chassidim that if you go to the cemetery on the yahrzeit of a parent, you only go to that kever, you dont make stops at other kevarim at the cemetary. Some hold that you may make stops at other kevarim in that cemetery before you go to the parents kever, but not after. Some hold that you can visit the kever of a tzaddik at the same time.

Everyone has different minhagim. I haven't heard of chassidish people not going to cemetery at all if parents are alive. Chassidish people, in general, visit kevarim a lot. Check what's going on with Uman these days....

rings a bell!!! I think I wanted to stop by grandpanrets and was told only dad (sigh)

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:48 am

My yekke friends some don't go if their àparents are alive
But my husband goes with our kids
Some do go anyway for a minyan...
My husband holds no burial for women yartseit ok - my mil couldn't go for my fil's burial (she wanted) and I didn't for for my dad's burial (I didn't, and he wasn't into women at the cemetery)

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:49 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

oh sure we light a candle but not as a yurtseit

Some yekkes will definitely do kaddish for someone if they still have their parents, esp if close to the person

amother

Khaki

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 8:11 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Never heard of this but I don't ever light a yahrzeit candle because my parents are b"h alive. Even for a deceased very close family member.

This exactly.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 1:23 pm

Golly. My parents took me to my grandmother's unveiling. I was 11.
Lots of people won't take very young children to a cemetery because they feel it's "inappropriate" whatever that means.

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 4:37 pm

Kids yelling and playing (or being scared and saddened) is inappropriate. I had to tke a baby, I stayed afar with the baby, and taking a baby is not ideal (would not do it for burial, it was shloshim)

amother

Tan

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 11:33 am

Update: mystery possibly solved.

An elderly relative suddenly mentioned that mens several generations back were Cohanim.
That makes one of the currently living family members a Cohen, and several bnos Cohen.

It’s possible that it was passed down in the family to the extent that when knowledge of kehuna status and halacha was lost, the family rule was still strictly followed.

It also now makes sense why nobody heard of this « minhag » existing in my family locale, or anywhere else pretty much.

ImmaBubby

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 9:15 pm

There are definitely different strands of “yekkishe” minhagim.

amother

Mint

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 9:25 pm

When a close relative of mine passed away, since it was Friday, the rabbi decided that everything should take place in the cemetary: levayah and burial. Problem is that some relatives are kohanim, some women were newly pregnant (the ones showing didn't come), some had their periods (me) and someone couldn't find a sitter for her baby, but we all had to be there. We asked a shaila and the rav paskened that all of the above people should stand across the road from where the burial took place. There were no matzeivos on that side so we were safe and the road would serve as a barrier between those who technically weren't allowed to be there and the tumah from the dead people.

Eta: we are not yekke at all.

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