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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
How to teach kids to be independent? ISO tips and tricks
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Tue, May 01 2018, 11:38 pm
I'm not independent at all. My mom made my doctors' appointments for me till I got married (mid-20s), always drove me to them, brushed my hair till I was in 8th grade (I kid you not), still buys me 95% of my clothing, etc.

I can do things myself, but independence was never highly encouraged in my family of origin.

I would like to change things for my kids.

I currently have a 2 yo and a baby and really want them to be different than me.

I'm trying to teach my 2 yo to clean up his toys, but what else can I do? He can't do his own food - he has a medical problem that requires his food cut up into tiny pieces.

How can I teach him to be independent, and at what age?
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curlyhead




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 12:13 am
Two year old is a bit young.
But letting my 7yo make their school lunch
Giving kids 8 plus bank accounts and teaching them how to spend money
Letting teenagers get around themselves via bike walking and public transport
Letting 10 plus go to shop for a couple grocery items or choosing gifts for friends
Kids 13 plus shop for clothing within budget. Give rules regarding what is appropriate and tznius.
Kids 7 plus can do morning routine on their own
13 plus their own laundry.
Teaching kids to cook after age 10. Cutting up veggies, peeling 6-7.


My kids 10 plus are already shopping online they find the item but I need to approve and pay.

Toddlers can put clothing in laundry, clean up one item of toys ie duplicate, put diaper or peels in rubbish.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 12:32 am
I let them make decisions as opposed to me telling them always what to do( of course I guide them)
I let them open and prepare food themselves. If I see them struggle to open a yogurt I wait until they finally do it. Same with box drinks....They learn how to bake and cook at age appropriate level.
I send them shopping and have then ask the cashier for help etc
I let them problem solve. If they have a dilemma I tell them to think of ways to make it work.
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cheeseaddict




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 12:46 am
A 2yr old can:

-put his own laundry in the basket after you get him dressed
-take off his own pants/leggings to get changed/undo his own zipper
-throw out his diaper after changing (put in a baggie first)
-if velcro, put on his shoes (depends on the shoes, but usually easy enough)
-bring a drink or a non-breakable serving glass to the table for the meal (you have to show them how to hold it with two hands and probably position their hands on he dish)
-bring a light grocery bag into the house
-fold small towels (I redo it when they are sleeping, but they feel like a million bucks!)
-"sweep" a corner of the room
-clean up the toys they played with
-"wash" dishes with you (give them a scrubber with soap, and let them go over something you've already scrubbed clean)

At this age, they love feeling like they can do "adult" things, and it's not a fight to get them to help because they are so eager (not so much for ages 8+).

Also, don't worry about having him fully independent. It will come with age if you just try to figure out what things (or part of) he can do himself and let him do it instead of you doing it for him.

Good luck!
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 2:14 am
I would add, when they do these little jobs by themselves, don't worry, and don't comment, that they're not done perfectly.
eg.
When your kids lays the table, don't re-do the napkins to make them nice and straight.
When they shower themselves, don't comment that they left a little bit of shampoo on their hair.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:53 am
I am just the opposite if you - I have an insane independent streak which all my kids inherited. I couldn't reign them even in if I tried.

A 2 year old can feed himself, and let him do so even if it takes double the amount of time. They can put their laundry in the hamper, hang up his coat, put away his toys, help set the table.

The trick is to let them figure out how to do things themselves, rather than doing it for them. It might be a struggle for them at first, but it gets easier.

As they get older, they'll be happy to take on more responsibility, and might even ask for it. It is also helpful to let them suffer the consequences of not doing what they're supposed to once they're a bit older. I don't remind my kids to do their homework, and let them deal with an upset teacher themselves. If my little one doesn't put away her shoes, she won't be able to find them and will have to go to school in crocs. She learnt quickly to put her shoes away.

I live in the suburbs, so unfortunately I can't send my kids shopping for me. They do shop online, and once I approve what they put into their cart they can check out - and make sure all the shipping information is correct themselves. They have watches and are responsible for getting home in the evenings on time. They're preteens, and are thrilled eith the leeway they get, but I only allow it because their independence has been nurtured since they were little, therefore they know their limits. They're preteens, by now I can drop them off at the local library and pick them up an hour later.

In short, start now when he's 2, even if it's hard such as taking an hour to eat dinner. Leave him at the table and let him figure it out.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:58 am
amother wrote:
I'm not independent at all. My mom made my doctors' appointments for me till I got married (mid-20s), always drove me to them, brushed my hair till I was in 8th grade (I kid you not), still buys me 95% of my clothing, etc.

I can do things myself, but independence was never highly encouraged in my family of origin.

I would like to change things for my kids.

I currently have a 2 yo and a baby and really want them to be different than me.

I'm trying to teach my 2 yo to clean up his toys, but what else can I do? He can't do his own food - he has a medical problem that requires his food cut up into tiny pieces.

How can I teach him to be independent, and at what age?


I don't think independence is taught, its given.

Foster life skills in your child, and then step back.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 10:05 am
Honestly starting my child at daycare at a young age fostered amazing independence. If you're not working I still think having your babies go to school from 18 months on will be amazing. (Obv you need to be able to afford this)
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 10:35 am
I am hardly an expert, my kids are still youngish and not the world's most independent, but here are some things I've picked up so far:

1. You need to let go of your need for control. If you want your kids to put away their own laundry, then their drawers will not look like Marie Kondo and they might end up wearing wrinkled clothes sometimes (Having my kids look neat is a priority for me so I do reserve some things for myself to do, like uniforms and some clothes. But underwear, pajamas, and everyday play clothes - stop caring.) When we're at my mother's house and my kids open the fridge, she's like "Why are there kids in my fridge?!" and I'm thinking, at what magical age would you like me to stop having to get everything for them???

2. You need to set things up for success. My kids started serving themselves breakfast when I started keeping the cereal on a lower shelf. I'm far from an organizational wizard, but enough things have set places that the kids basically know where to find them. Things that I haven't organized or maintained, of course they'll need my help.

3. You need to trust them, and then accept their mistakes. Relevant to #1, I guess.

4. Don't make a habit of doing stuff for them if they can do it themselves. I want my kids to feel loved and supported so I often do things that they're able to do themselves, but I make it clear that it's a favor, not an expectation. And they have to ask nicely, not demand. If it's convenient for me, I'll get them what they're asking for. But if we're both sitting down at the table and DD asks me to get her a scissors, why should I get up when she's just as capable? Mom is not a servant and not a martyr. We can help each other out as friends but you're also expected to help yourself.

It helps that I'm a little lazy. Or maybe just overcommitted, that I don't have that much spare time and energy to do all the things for my kids that my SAHM used to do. But personally I think in that sense, being a "good enough" mom is going to benefit my kids by making them more responsible and self-sufficient. I hope.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 1:42 pm
my 2/3yr old helped themselves to a snack from the snack container or a yogourt from the fridge. keep low down.
get their own spoon for cereal for ex " I will pour your rice krispies please can u get the spoon".
chores:
defo pjs in wash. fruit in the fruit bowl after uve shopped. open up the tissues. " cut" paper towel for shabbos .
choices:
choose to bathe or shower. choose to have 2 story and a game or 2 stories. give choices when and where u can.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 1:59 pm
Great advice above.

Just want to add that young kids innately want to be independent. For some, it starts at 18 months, for others maybe closer to 3.

But once it starts, the challenging part for us parents is to step back. It's usually much easier and faster to do it ourselves, and we sometimes need to consciously push down that urge.
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zigi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 2:35 pm
lol my baby copies her older sister with a hair brush even though she doesn't have hair.
teach the skill etc. take them through the situation. how much money is on your metro card. what do you do if the trains are messed up. which stop is ours?
how much money do you need to buy the doll? do you have tax?
can you get yourself a snack?
let them choose clothing and put it on. its fine if it is backwards etc. let them try the buttons they might get it done!
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:07 pm
Starting from age 12 months my kids feed themselves. My toddler eats cereal and milk like a pro.

My son makes his next appointement after each orthodontist visit. I used to do it at first and then I encouraged him to do it.
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:36 pm
Even at two they can learn to do things for themselves somewhat.
Even something simple like a drink of water. On the days that my 2 yo is home with me, I try to make sure that her water bottle is full in the morning, so that when she calls out 'mommy I thirsty' I can just say 'ok, go get your water'. She will leave it around the house during the day, but she'll go find it. She's aware of what she needs and can help herself.
I have a sil who does everything for her kids and it drives me crazy. Her 6 year old screams out 'mommy, I'm thirsty' and she drops whatever she's doing to bring him a drink. I have to bite my tounge so hard to stop myself from getting involved and telling him that he is big enough to get his own drink.

It's just a small example, but things like that can set the tone and feeling of independence.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:40 pm
Anything they CAN do, I have them do. Once they are used to it, I relax a bit and will be nice and get them a drink to show I do care about them if they ask nicely Wink But first they have learned where to find cups, how to get water by themselves, etc when they reach the stage (not age) of capability.

And it's ongoing. I make them take responsibility to pack their own school snacks; if they forget, it's their issue not mine. They need to be on top of how many clean clothing they have and alert us to the need to do their laundry soon because they are running out of uniform shirts or whatever (meaning we're always doing laundry but sometimes forget and do the same room twice in a row instead of another one)...

I guide them through new things -- e.g. I had my 11 yo call up the OU with a question, why not?

I have them arrange their own playdates, of course asking if it's ok, but I'm not making those calls once they're old enough to have playdates.

There are also personality factors. And laziness, especially, that interfere with my best intentions...but my kids are a work in progress (that's why they are kids!)

[It might be a little too much independence in my house. I caught my son before he turned 3 microwaving cheese on a rice cake as a melava malka Tongue Out That wasn't something I had taught or asked him to do of course!]
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erm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 9:48 pm
I have my 3 year old call for playdates. (I speak to the mother afterwards but he has to ask to speak to his his friend and ask if he wants to come over)
Put away some of the grocery items (My 2 year old puts all the small water bottles into a box we keep them in and all the snacks into another box.)
They help put laundry into the machine
Brings diaper and wipes when needed.
Help set the table
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cozyblanket




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 10:32 pm
Just a couple ideas to add to what others said:

buy clementines, keep them in a bowl on the counter, he can bring you one when he wants it, you can " start it" for him by pulling off a tan of the peel, then he can finish peeling it himself and put peels in the garbage.

Help set the table.

Put laundry away... He probably knows where his shabbos drawer is, etc.
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Tzutzie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 03 2018, 7:06 am
My kids areally very independent for their age. Buthe it comes with a trade off. I do encourage independence. But most of it I think is their personality.

As a 13 mo my oldest used a pillow as a step stool to reach a bottle of Motrin from the dresser. She opened it in a second and drank it yum! Good thing there was only a 1 or 2 doses left..... they are the crazy kids of the block who open the front door and take a walk down the road.....
Because they can. And mommy has the audacity to use the bathroom/run downstairs to change a load and she won't hear.....


I don't help my kids unless they ask.

They learn to get into a chair very young. Into their open highchair. (Keekaroo is easier than most. No wheels. So it's stable)
My niece and nephew were once at my house and he helped his 3 yo sister get into the hichchair. I told him to stop. It took her. While but she figured it out and was soooo proud of herself! My kid wasn't even two and she was a pro. Because if she wanted to I let her try.

My kids can put away their laundry. At 2.5 (one kid did if before the 2) they are perfectly capable at fully dressing themselves. Expect for laces. Buckles, velcro, step in my 3 yo could do.

They don't always WANT TO get dressed on their own. Sometimes they want mommy to do it for them so I do. But when they are in the "I alone" stage I don't suffer thru it. I embrace it.
They can put their dirty laundry away. Pack away toys. (Although they don't always want) 4 yo can vacuum the area rug in her room. They can help each other out. Like 4 yo closing 3 yo's zipper. They can help themselves to food from the fridge and counter. (And junk from the locked junk closet. What's it to break a lock? Big deal)

As soon as I potty trained I taught them how to get onto a big toilet and wipe #1 and wash their hands. My then 2.5 yo could do all the perfectly by herslef.
Your kid is still very small. But the more you show her s/he's a big kid and can do so many things "just like mommy" the more they'll want to.


And I don't say you can't. I say, it might not be for a little girls if 3. But you can definitely try, if it doesn't work or its too hard you can always try again when your a little older.

They constantly surprise me by the things they do.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, May 03 2018, 9:16 am
Independence is given, you give them power, to choose, to do, it's the opposite of the helicopter parent (obviously not to endanger them but the rest).
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 03 2018, 10:30 pm
I forgot to mention that I compliment and praise when they start doing things on their own. That encourages them to try to do more. (Again, there is a downside. Sometimes there are things I want to do myself because I am way faster...but that's my job as a human, to work on my middos and patience I guess Wink )
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