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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
Was I a selfish mom?



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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 5:18 am
I B"H have a wonderful 4 year old.
I have noticed lately that she is feels lots of self entitlement, And if things don't work out her way she has a fit.
I guess this is normal behaviour for this age to some degree.
I am not so sure how to put her in her place.
for example
In the morning DH and I and DD leave the house at the same time.
DH drops me off at work then drops DD off at school
I had promised DD that I would drop her off at school today even though it means extra traveling time for me, because I know she loves it.
We ran into traffic and got to the area late.
I debated if to just get off at my office and cancel the whole thing but I didn't want to break my word to her.
So I told her that I won't be able to come in and see her classroom(like I did many times before), I will just drop her off at the door.
DD got very upset and starting to whine.
At that point I told her that I was doing this for her and I could have gotten off closer to work and only becuase of her was I traveling the extra distance and that she should appreciate it as it is.
Is that a normal thing to tell a kid?
(I grew up with a narcicist parent so I am terrified of making her feel like her existance is a burden)
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 5:55 am
We all do best when people respect us.

When you use words to describe your DD like "self entitlement" and "put her in her place", that is a bit worrisome. While it's true her behavior needs to be corrected, it is important for you to be extra vigilant not to overreact because of your past. It's so helpful that you are aware of this. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

1. She is old enough for you to say, "oh, dear, we got into traffic, and I'm not going to have time to go with you to school after all today! Drat, I was really looking forward to it. I guess Hashem wants us to practice being calm when we are disappointed.
Should we try again for tomorrow, and maybe plan some special time after school/work today?"

2. When you decided to take her as far as the door, did you tell her? No fair telling a four year old she "should appreciate it as it is" if she is unaware until that moment that the situation changed, and you had been debating whether to do this or not. In the future, let her have input. "I won't have time to go all the way in with you. We have two choices; should I get off now and try for tomorrow, or take you as far as the outside door, but not walk you in?"

3. Always assume respect for the motives and character of children. Correct the behavior, ask for a do-over, and then applaud. If she whined in this moment, you can say, "whoops, let's review what's expected. When Mommy tells you this is the plan, your job is to say, "okay." Then, after school, when there is more time, you can tell me that you were sad about this and would like me to try again tomorrow." After she follows the direction and says "okay", say enthusiastically, "what an awesome job you did at speaking nicely when you were feeling disappointed! I'm so proud of you!"

Be sure to commend every time you see her NOT whining. That's how you build a midda. Never by thinking about trying to "put her in her place."

Good for you for reaching out when you aren't sure. Hugs and hatzlacha!
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 5:59 am
Thank you so much!
Boy, will I ever get this right? Crying
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 6:10 am
Of course you will!

You have traveled a long way from an awful childhood. A VERY long way. You probably give so much more parenting love than you ever received.

That stuff that I said about assuming respect for your DD? That starts with being able to respect and value yourself. If you aren't currently getting therapeutic help with that, you might want to do so.

We all have mountains to climb in this life. One step at a time.

We will cheer your successes, if you share them. That can help too.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 6:27 am
Imasinger you are awesome.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 6:28 am
I second the motion.
I always hope she will answer my posts!
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daagahminayin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 8:20 am
imasinger wrote:
We all do best when people respect us.

When you use words to describe your DD like "self entitlement" and "put her in her place", that is a bit worrisome. While it's true her behavior needs to be corrected, it is important for you to be extra vigilant not to overreact because of your past. It's so helpful that you are aware of this. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

1. She is old enough for you to say, "oh, dear, we got into traffic, and I'm not going to have time to go with you to school after all today! Drat, I was really looking forward to it. I guess Hashem wants us to practice being calm when we are disappointed.
Should we try again for tomorrow, and maybe plan some special time after school/work today?"

2. When you decided to take her as far as the door, did you tell her? No fair telling a four year old she "should appreciate it as it is" if she is unaware until that moment that the situation changed, and you had been debating whether to do this or not. In the future, let her have input. "I won't have time to go all the way in with you. We have two choices; should I get off now and try for tomorrow, or take you as far as the outside door, but not walk you in?"

3. Always assume respect for the motives and character of children. Correct the behavior, ask for a do-over, and then applaud. If she whined in this moment, you can say, "whoops, let's review what's expected. When Mommy tells you this is the plan, your job is to say, "okay." Then, after school, when there is more time, you can tell me that you were sad about this and would like me to try again tomorrow." After she follows the direction and says "okay", say enthusiastically, "what an awesome job you did at speaking nicely when you were feeling disappointed! I'm so proud of you!"

Be sure to commend every time you see her NOT whining. That's how you build a midda. Never by thinking about trying to "put her in her place."

Good for you for reaching out when you aren't sure. Hugs and hatzlacha!


Great advice - you sound like a professional parenting coach!
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, May 02 2018, 8:42 am
By the way, Imasinger's great advice sounds a lot like Sara Chana Radcliff's advice, which is similarly awesome. OP, buy her books!
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