Kids are a Burden?

naomi2

Mon, May 07 2018, 10:27 pm

...Or if you accidentally broke a glass when you were a kid and your mother looked at your father and said. You know we didn't have these expenses before we had kids. And father replies- Yeah, kids cost us money. Not that we don't love you, just now we have to work extra long hrs to make up for the things you break. But we love you anyway.... Do you feel the love op?

PurpleandGold

Mon, May 07 2018, 11:26 pm

Ok, ok, look, your conversation wasn't the best, yeah, it had subtle guilt in it. If you say these kinds of things consistently to a three year old, you will hurt him.

But you won't. You get it now. People on here can be VERY dramatic. Feeling like an awful parent will bring depression, not make you a better one...hear that imamothers? Gentle, gentle redirection and encouragement to moms that post, no shaming. VERY unhelpful. Now she has to justify and feel defensive and just...bad about herself.

Op, you're great, you love your son, sensed something was funny, so you asked, because you're intuitively a good parent.

Please read "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.". Order it on Amazon tonight, it's invaluable for good, flawed parents like you and me.

salt

Tue, May 08 2018, 3:21 am

PurpleandGold wrote:

So true. People here are SO dramatic!
I think OP is just quite philosophical and is asking questions that I probably wouldn't even think about. Kids don't get traumatized for life by their mother saying in humor once or twice "oh things were so much easier before you came along" - he probably didn't even get what she said.

And just a funny think my teenage DD said to me recently - after she'd just spent 15 mins speed-clearing up a cluttered lounge, which I would have left till the morning, or more likely till erev shabbat, and while my DS was washing up a sink full of dishes - "Ema, how did this house ever stay clean before we were born?!!" Smile

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 08 2018, 6:00 am

salt wrote:

Love your daughter's comment Smile

If OP is philosophical and an adult and we don't even follow her way of thinking as adults, how can a 3 year old understand? I mean, what's the point in it?

And about humor: there is humor and then there is humor. To try to veil such a message 'in humor' in such a situation is really not humorous at all IMO.

imasinger

Tue, May 08 2018, 7:00 am

amother wrote:

I'm just trying to understand here - no one ever "feels" in their hearts that their kids are a burden and things were easier and simpler before them? Yes, I know even though we wanted them & asked for them & love them.

Is the point most people are making in this thread is that even if we "feel" that way, never verbalize that to kids or let them feel that impression that you feel they are hard? Is it kind of a "lie" or is it that we should work on ourselves (maybe through therapy, etc) to come to the point that we don't even feel it?

I don't know that anyone reaches the point where they never, ever have a fleeting thought of, "my life would definitely be easier without the challenges of dealing with this child."

But in a healthy situation, those emotions don't last long.

I do think if you or DH are more bothered than amused/appreciative by these little experiments your DS likes to conduct, it would be good to seek help.

Normal kids are curious and active. Resenting them for it is like resenting water for being wet. Sometimes, water feels good, and sometimes, when we're all dressed up, it's really annoying to get splashed. But I doubt anyone would shake their heads and say, "boy, water is so much trouble." We're more likely to think about how much we need it for drinking and washing.

One of the most painful things in the world is being the parent of a child who believes the world is better off without him/her because they are so difficult. Children often think in black and white or overgeneralize. You really have to be careful.

Psychologists say that a healthy adult relationship should have at least 5 positive comments for every one negative. I think for kids, it probably should be more like 1 to 10 or 20.

If you or your DH do not believe, deep down, that you are a valuable, precious asset to the world, and/or if you don't see your child(ren) that way the vast majority of the time, it would be very wise to seek therapeutic help.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, May 08 2018, 12:18 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for all the advice. And don't worry, this wasn't an every-day mantra. In fact, I tell him all day every day that he's the biggest bracha in the world. This was just mentioned this one day in the context of the effect his actions can have on someone else. And in a very light-hearted way. He doesn't seem at all damaged by it today, baruch Hashem, so I think I'll just refrain from such comments in the future.

But I am still curious about one aspect- did you all not know that you took a lot of time/money/whatever from your parents? I for sure knew my parents were spending a lot of time and money on me that they used for other things before I was born. My mom was a SAHM who quit her job once she had children. She definitely didn't make me feel guilty for it and said raising us gave her tremendous pleasure, but I still knew that was the case. So knowledge without guilt is possible, no? (But seems better perhaps as a realization made by oneself when a bit more mature.)

Im in the same stage as you, with messy little kids and a neat freak mom, but I just am wondering... do you have experience with little kids from before you were married? Because these things are NORMAL. Kids do not understand everything that adults do, and 3 year olds definitely dont understand everything that even 7 year olds do. They dont think that they are a burden on their parents unless they are told that, and truth be told, all children, no matter the age, are a burden on their parents. Thats ok, thats the way of the world. Parenting is a lot of work and NOT easy. Its frustrating, but I do not think we should expect a tiny child to think he is taking time/money/whatever from his parents. Thats not his concern and its also not a burden a child should carry.