Keeping things tidy

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, May 08 2018, 2:05 pm

Lemme step back a bit before I get to my question. Dh and I have been married for a decade and have few beautiful n lovely well rounded kids, our marriage is pretty typical. Hubby works hard, I am sahm. Dh would love for me to be a bit more out of the box but schedules n conditions don’t always allow so he gets angry and then makes peace with it... pretty typical... no? (Just to give an idea what kind of guy/relationship)
His mom is cleanest and most obsessed organized person I know, to the point that she’ll run downstairs in her jammies at 2am if she only THINKS that a cabinet door stayed open. I’m a very clean person but my house ain’t no museum. I try so hard since my husband DRIVES ME INSANE, literally... if I’ll leave a pile of magazines on the couch he’ll scold me and tell me what a slop I am, we’ve worked and talked this thru soooo many times, he’s a loving father and great husband and provider of love and whatever else we need, but this is crushing me inside. I’m always so tense to put stuff away and organize house and keep things tidy in busiest times so he doesn’t get upset and feel comfortable. It’s eating up my health n well-being of being a normal wife and mother. As much as I tell him he thinks I just wanna get away with having a mess all the time, which IMO my house is immaculate 95% of the time which isn’t even healthy if u ask me. Please give me advice or chizuk or organizing tips cuz I can’t let something so petty ruin our marriage.
TIA

amother

Ginger

Tue, May 08 2018, 2:23 pm

if your house is tidy 95% of the time, you don't need any tips on how to keep tidy. You know what to do.

Your marriage perhaps seems typical from the 50s?

2018 men don't scold their wives.

Would you have a stronger voice in your home (like - I'm comfortable with a few things left around, and its my home too) if you contributed economically?

ra_mom

Tue, May 08 2018, 4:50 pm

It just sounds like too much.
I'm so sorry OP. Hug

Your dh needs a reality check though I'm not sure how it can happen.

BesteMama

Tue, May 08 2018, 9:14 pm

I went to someone’s house who has a dh like u. Her house ain’t no museum but it’s semi clean how it’s suppose to be with a house of kids..he is a lot of times in bad mood cuz of mess and she cannot control his moods but she can do what’s right. She hung up nice long poem I don’t remember what said there-something like yes there are smudges on windows and..we read books and laughed..and had good time..doorbell won’t shine but their eyes will shine instead..

bsy

Tue, May 08 2018, 9:40 pm

Maybe spend a weekend or yom tov at another family's house so he can see reality? I would also be very upset and hurt by such comments, especially because they are unreasonable when there are little kids in a family.

phila

Tue, May 08 2018, 10:07 pm

might be worth it to get cleaning help for an hour or 2 at the end of the day so that you can be calmer and your husband can be happier. he obviously should not be "scolding" ever, but if he is a person who needs neatness it's not about a reality check and it's not that easy to ignore. so give both of yourselves a break and have someone else tidy up - it will make your life so much nicer!

amother

Brunette

Tue, May 08 2018, 11:21 pm

my husband is exactly the same, but hes more passive aggressive about it. he bottles it up inside until it just overflows and he gets super upset and doesnt really want to be where the mess is. I understand that cleanliness is important to him so I really try, but its hard when you have 3 kids under 2.5 yrs old running around undoing all the cleaning youve just done.
What I do is when I sense its really bothering him is tidy up and then when were in bed I tell him that I really try hard to keep the house clean and its not so easy with work, school, and the kids...that gets him to see things from my perspective and calms him for a little while.
(just a side point, I think most problems can be fixed in the bedroom if you really try)

Mommyg8

Tue, May 08 2018, 11:31 pm

OP, I don't think that marriage counseling is the answer for every marriage problem in general, but I do think that in your particular situation marriage counseling - or at least both of you talking to a third party - might be helpful. Your husband has a perception problem, and it's unlikely that this will change from your explaining it to him. I really do think that this situation needs an outsider's perspective, your explaining it doesn't seem to be helping, I think. Hope things work out!

amother

Silver

Tue, May 08 2018, 11:38 pm

Leave him home with the kids for a day. Take pictures when you come back.

amother

Rose

Tue, May 08 2018, 11:44 pm

amother wrote:

Leave him home with the kids for a day. Take pictures when you come back.

Or videos. He may just keep it clean but not realize how much he's screaming/stressing everybody out until he sees it.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, May 09 2018, 12:27 am

Thanks ladies for all ur insight, I love idea of having him stay with the kids, he def wouldn’t be able to handle what I do, only thing is that it’s nearly impossible since he works hard and long hours and if it’s ever necessary for him to role play he’ll hire a babysitter/ sister/ neighbor to do it.

I’m managing very well with cleaning but the pressure of having to be reprimanded when it’s not perfect is eating me up.

ellacoe

Wed, May 09 2018, 9:20 am

amother wrote:

I am sorry for what you are going through. This could be more of a shalom bayis issue than household management. It sounds like you try your hardest to keep things neat and tidy, and that you run a tight ship. It also seems like your husband for whatever reason has genuine anxiety about clutter and mess, and may be in genuine discomfort when there is a mess. It might be helpful to get to real issue at hand here and find out what causes him discomfort. He sounds like a supportive and helpful guy in most other areas. Working with a third party as someone suggested could be helpful. It doesn't have to be a therapist. A family mediator or the like would help you have the discussion and determine what the underlying issues are, allow him to hear how you feel when he gets upset about this and then develop a plan moving forward. I.e how to have the discussion when he sees magazines lying out, what he can do about it. You can set out a protocol or process on how to deal with these issues when then arise.

You also mention that he would like you to be more out of the box. What does that mean?
And do you feel that relates to this at all?

Miri7

Wed, May 09 2018, 10:57 am

amother wrote:

I’m managing very well with cleaning but the pressure of having to be reprimanded when it’s not perfect is eating me up.

I’ve had three kids under 2.5 and I am in total amazement that your house is tidy even 30% if the time. You are doing far beyond what most people could hope to accomplish.

My concern is that you’re operating in fear of being reprimanded by your DH.

As someone who has walked down this road, I will tell you that it gets worse. This is not shalom bayit. The house looks perfect but your marriage will suffer.

I agree that you need to talk with someone about this. DH has unreasonable expectations and you’re going to grow to resent him - a lot. It poisons a marriage. DH needs to figure out how to change his expectations and learn to treat you with more compassion and respect.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, May 09 2018, 8:39 pm

ellacoe wrote:

You also mention that he would like you to be more out of the box. What does that mean?
And do you feel that relates to this at all?

Thanks for your reply, I wanted to throw in that with other things he’s quite tolerant, here n there he’ll mention something but will be way more passive than when it comes to cleanliness and neatness of house.

ellacoe

Wed, May 09 2018, 10:02 pm

amother wrote:

Could it be that the cleanliness and neatness of the house triggers something in him?