Explain self pity | Imamother

amother

Navy

Thu, May 10 2018, 7:58 am

What is it? How do u overcome it? How does someone get to it?

What are the thoughts that lead u to it?

What have u done to overcome it?
Is it addictive?

I want to learn all I can on the subject. Please educate me.
I will start,

Does it mean that I had a hard life, I need someone to have rachmanus on me and therefore I need special attention, and treated differently?

If so how do I get out of this thinking?

What if I want attention? How can I go about it positively? Not to get into this destructive thinking?

Does this have anything to do that if I saw that the efforts I do is admirable and appreciated I wouldn't look for pity?

I'm really trying to understand

zaq

Thu, May 10 2018, 8:17 am

Self pity is an attitude. It has little if anything to do with how hard one’s life is. How to overcome? Maybe do volunteer work helping people who have a genuinely hard life.

amother

Blue

Thu, May 10 2018, 8:24 am

Self pity - I would say is wallowing in sadness and choosing to feel like a victim of circumstances and refusal to do much of anything to make yourself feel better.

How do you get over it? Ownership and accountability. Refusal to live in victim status. Control over thoughts. Control over actions. Make a decision to be happy and actualize it.

amother

Navy

Thu, May 10 2018, 9:06 am

amother wrote:

Ty for your answer. When you say ownership, you mean what? Give an example, please.

Do you say it's possible to overcome this after doing it for many years?
How do I know if I'm doing this?

imasinger

Thu, May 10 2018, 9:08 am

People can get confused, because there are abusive types who label any expression of pain as "self pity".

So, I think the first step is to acknowledge that we are allowed to say ouch when something hurts us. That's not self pity.

The issue, IMO, comes with what you do from there.

Self pity is, "I give up, someone else needs to come rescue me, there is nothing I can do except be miserable."

A healthier approach to pain is to understand it. Learn how to speak up assertively but appropriately if the pain comes from something unfair. Live by the Serenity Prayer.

CBT can be very helpful in developing a healthier way of thinking and acting. Therapy in general is a good idea if one is in pain and feeling stuck.

ssspectacular

Thu, May 10 2018, 9:43 am

Wow! This is a touchy subject.
If you are in real pain, and people tell you to snap out of it-don't pity yourself-that is absolutely unacceptable.
If YOU feel that you are wallowing in self pity and maybe are strong enough to work on it, that's a different story.
I would start with baby steps of independence and work upwards. There will be relapses, so don't worry. But it can get better.

imasinger

Thu, May 10 2018, 10:05 am

Your last paragraph about wanting to be applauded for your efforts is important. It speaks to not loving or valuing yourself enough.

That's something to work on with a therapist as well.

amother

Tan

Thu, May 10 2018, 3:31 pm

I am a "Woe is me" type of person and am trying to get better about it.

I think people who are more self centered/absorbed and who tend to focus on the negative more than the positive will more likely have self pity. So try to focus on the positive when situations arise and step back and see if anyone else is more impacted than you.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, May 10 2018, 4:09 pm

Look into codependency. Check out this link to see how many resonate with you. http://coda.org/index.cfm/meet.....2011/ if you find that a lot of these describe you you may be codependent.

From my experience, start with Melody Beattie's books codependent no more and beyond codependency. There is also CODA (codependents anonymous) a 12 step program for codependency. It's life changing!