Article; attachment parenting and staying frum in adulthood

Fox

Thu, May 10 2018, 2:04 pm

If I understand the author's thesis correctly, children from stable, loving homes where their needs are met are less likely to turn away from their religion than children from unstable, unloving homes where religious instruction bears no relation to their everyday lives.

What a revolutionary idea! Rolling Eyes

Attachment theory is another example of a solid, useful concept that has been turned into a joke by kooks in search of first-world problems.

Most parents with adequate family and community support grasp the fundamentals of attachment theory pretty easily -- that how a parent meets the needs of a child should depend on the developmental stage of the child in order to foster both security and independence.

Choosing to co-sleep, "wear" your baby, or breastfeed has absolutely nothing to do with attachment theory. Those are all fine ways to encourage attachment behavior, but they're no better or worse than any others. Moreover, the entire point of attachment theory is that the behaviors must evolve based on the child's developmental readiness for greater independence. In other words, it's supposed to be about the child, not about what the parents read somewhere.

I guess I shouldn't be so cynical, though; this article is obviously intended for a hetero-observant audience. For many members of that audience, the idea that attachment theory could include the religious atmosphere of the home is probably a newsflash. For the rest of us? Meh.

amother

Taupe

Thu, May 10 2018, 2:10 pm

Fox wrote:

It's really not as obvious as u think.

Women are being told it's perfectly fine to leave their babies at 4 or 6 weeks and go back to 10+ hour days out of the house with no negative affects on the child. This is absolutely affecting attachment.

Fox

Thu, May 10 2018, 3:20 pm

amother wrote:

Women are being told it's perfectly fine to leave their babies at 4 or 6 weeks and go back to 10+ hour days out of the house with no negative affects on the child. This is absolutely affecting attachment.

Who is telling women that there's no downside to leaving their babies for 10+ hours a day?

Women doing so are generally making that choice for economic reasons, not for personal fulfillment. Given the fact that 85 percent of employed mothers rely on family-based care rather than institutional care, the red flags for anxious attachment (inconsistent caregiver; non-attuned caregiver), it is no surprise that most children are securely attached. ASPE-HHS

Women with part-time hours -- even when the responsibilities are arguably full-time -- are consistently shown to be happier than those working full-time hours, and the HHS studies of mothers' employment and attachment show that part-time employment has no discernible effect. In fact, the highest-achieving women have a stratospheric rate of starting their own companies or becoming independent contractors precisely because of this.

A greater risk for secure attachment than employment, IMHO, is the fragmentation of multi-generational extended families who can provide consistent, attuned nurturing in the context of a permanent environment.

Fox

Thu, May 10 2018, 3:59 pm

southernbubby wrote:

But then work backwards. Do those who leave whatever religion they were raised with feel that they lacked their mother's attention or care or that the relationship with their parents was cold and shallow?

Honestly, I'm not sure that attachment theory really addresses the issues of parental attention or the depth of the relationship. It's more focused on the internal models we develop for relationships and, as we get older, how we negotiate those relationships.

I think it's very possible to have secure attachment yet feel a parent doesn't fully understand you, your concerns, or your challenges. It's also possible to have developed secure attachment with a parent and a healthy model for future relationships, yet experience failure when that model is applied unsuccessfully to the outside world. I think this happens quite frequently in school settings.

Obviously, having a lot of attachment capital is an advantage for anyone who is struggling religiously, personally, or whatever. It's an advantage for anyone who isn't struggling, for that matter. But it's important to remember that promoting healthy attachment behavior doesn't stop at any particular age -- it's always changing. Also, life throws all kinds of situations at us that can use up that capital, and simply having secure attachment models isn't an answer to everything.