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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
He won't discuss anything



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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, May 15 2018, 1:26 pm
One of the things I've been advised to do with my ASD/ADHD 7 year old is to come up with ideas for handling difficult situations during calm times. The problem is, he refuses to do so! We generally have pretty open communication, he talks to me about everything else. And I do try not to just spring it on him, like "hey, what helps you calm down when you're angry?" but rather try to point it out, for example a character in a book taking deep breaths, I'll casually point out that this character is trying not to let his anger get out of control. Even then, he'll say he doesn't want to hear about it. This isn't just in terms of regulating himself. I also try to ask him what would make (mornings/bedtime/homework/meals etc) easier for YOU? I'm happy to try your ideas! While you can't avoid doing things you need to do even when you don't want to, you can and should have some say in how you do them however works best for you. And he either shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know, or says he doesn't want to discuss it. I've even asked him to pick out consequences for certain things (within reason) but he doesn't want to talk about it. It's really frustrating!
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STMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 15 2018, 1:39 pm
amother wrote:
One of the things I've been advised to do with my ASD/ADHD 7 year old is to come up with ideas for handling difficult situations during calm times. The problem is, he refuses to do so! We generally have pretty open communication, he talks to me about everything else. And I do try not to just spring it on him, like "hey, what helps you calm down when you're angry?" but rather try to point it out, for example a character in a book taking deep breaths, I'll casually point out that this character is trying not to let his anger get out of control. Even then, he'll say he doesn't want to hear about it. This isn't just in terms of regulating himself. I also try to ask him what would make (mornings/bedtime/homework/meals etc) easier for YOU? I'm happy to try your ideas! While you can't avoid doing things you need to do even when you don't want to, you can and should have some say in how you do them however works best for you. And he either shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know, or says he doesn't want to discuss it. I've even asked him to pick out consequences for certain things (within reason) but he doesn't want to talk about it. It's really frustrating!


It might be because your question is asking him to recognize what would work for him and he might have no idea.
You said
amother wrote:
One of the things I've been advised to do with my ASD/ADHD 7 year old is to come up with ideas for handling difficult situations during calm times.

That sounds like you were to come up with the ideas. So since he's not engaging in conversation about it maybe try picking two strategies - counting to ten or self-talk, for example - and telling him he should choose one. Less pressure than asking a 7 year old to be able to articulate specifically what he needs.
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, May 15 2018, 1:45 pm
No, I was told to work with him to come up with these things. I was even given a picture chart to show him of different ideas for calming down. He doesn't want to look at the chart. I like the idea of presenting him with two and picking one of those two. I will try that and see if he's more open that way.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, May 15 2018, 1:55 pm
I am surprised that you were told to tell this to a adhd child. ds is also adhd and I can see he would try to avoid it too. remember he is 7 yrs old. not all kids that age are good at this.

give him some more time and maturity it might work better in the meantime its a good idea to give him a choice. that makes it so much easier. I hope his therapist is realistic.

ds therapist did tell us that for my ds, the best is to model behavoir that he will see that out of control anger doesnt work. so for instance when hes upset to calmy tell him that "I wanna help you but your too upset now, when your calm I wll be able to help you then" and dont allowe yourself to be dragged into the chaos. obviously if hes damaging stuff thats entirely different. but hes not doing that. so this can work. its a new concept for me so I dont know how it will work for me. but im determined to do it. im really hoping it will.
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bestme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 15 2018, 2:29 pm
There are manners picture card that have simple problems on one side and the solution on the other side. For example a picture of a child throwing garbage on the floor and on the other side a picture of a child putting garbage in the garbage can. Maybe he would start to talk with you while you use these cards because they are so simple and after a while start talking on more harder problems.
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