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DD screams at us
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 8:55 am
What does one do? When we address her we speak calmly. When she addresses us back she screams. She often says we are stupid. She hates us. 2 hours later she is fine. I see her as very priveledged, entitled, spoiled. Our doing of course. When she screams, my visceral reaction is to slap her across her face she is so disrespectful but I hold back. That is what was done to us growing up. I am not scarred and I still loved my parents but it made me think twice when I wanted to act chutzpadik to them. I know the modern advice now is “to ignore” and “no physicality” of course. Kids today are more out there than we were as kids. I think we have gone too far with leniencies. There has to be a better way.
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FranticFrummie









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 8:57 am
What is she screaming about? When she's calm, can you talk to her about it, and do you really listen to her?

The screaming is just a symptom, you need to get to the real cause of why she's so upset.
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Chayalle









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 9:23 am
How old is she?

OP, if your DD's screaming makes you want to slap her, it does sound like something in the relationship needs work and understanding. It should definitely NOT be ignored, but neither slapping her, nor stuffing down your feelings while not slapping her, is the answer.

If you are able to get her to talk to you and share why she feels the need to scream, and why she is using disrespectful language to her parents, that would be great. If you can't have respectful dialogue about what's gone wrong in the relationship, you may need to involve a 3rd party - I.e. a professional - to help you all get back on track.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 9:26 am
I used to scream at my parents a lot, because I felt like I wasn’t heard. I felt like they didn’t really listen to my thoughts or opinions.
Maybe you could tel her to calm down. Tell me calmly what you want to say, and I will listen. And then really listen, and take her thoughts and feelings into account.
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amother




Blue


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 10:10 am
amother wrote:
I used to scream at my parents a lot, because I felt like I wasn’t heard. I felt like they didn’t really listen to my thoughts or opinions.
Maybe you could tel her to calm down. Tell me calmly what you want to say, and I will listen. And then really listen, and take her thoughts and feelings into account.
this
And again this
Definitely this
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 10:31 am
https://www.amazon.com/How-Tal.....B000B9NDKE

This book should be a great resource. I have only read the one for your children. But this is a version for teens.

Good luck!
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amother




Vermilion


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 10:58 am
OP:

I don't think you are wrong. The screaming is a sign of the times. Last weekend was Shabboton with all the high school girls away. The talk around, both with the men and ladies,
was that it is so nice and peaceful without the teenage girls. Everyone loves their daughters . They all present like erlich girls, but what goes on at home is similar to what you describe.

There is no reason for your daughter to disrespect you like that ever. My daughter is heard. DH and I each set apart time for her to tell us about her day and her concerns. Typically we each give her 20 minutes when she comes home. Last night I invited her to tell me her problems which were the same as they were 3 hours earlier.

When my daughter screams, she is given one warning. Her electronics will be taken away for one week. This was done once.

We are considered strict parents, but I can't live in chaos.
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Chayalle









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 11:08 am
amother wrote:
OP:

I don't think you are wrong. The screaming is a sign of the times. Last weekend was Shabboton with all the high school girls away. The talk around, both with the men and ladies,
was that it is so nice and peaceful without the teenage girls. Everyone loves their daughters . They all present like erlich girls, but what goes on at home is similar to what you describe.

There is no reason for your daughter to disrespect you like that ever. My daughter is heard. DH and I each set apart time for her to tell us about her day and her concerns. Typically we each give her 20 minutes when she comes home. Last night I invited her to tell me her problems which were the same as they were 3 hours earlier.

When my daughter screams, she is given one warning. Her electronics will be taken away for one week. This was done once.

We are considered strict parents, but I can't live in chaos.


I feel so sad for all those teens and their parents. It doesn't have to be this way.

If your teen isn't screaming at you, it's more because you are giving her time and listening to her, and less because of the warnings about her electronics. It doesn't matter that her issues don't get resolved, and they are the same issues as they were earlier - teens need to be heard, even if the world can't be fixed.

Signed,

mother of teens who misses them when they are away for Shabbos, who has peaceful, meaningful conversations with them when they are around.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 11:09 am
OP here. The screaming happens because there is no real recourse. She doesn't really have "currency" I can use. We have a TV and she does get some electronics but not a lot. Both of these are already limited normally. My only recourse is taking those away but it doesn't matter.

My DD also had a Shabbaton recently as did her friends. It was SO nice and peaceful!

I see that my DD hangs around with friends at school and she reports behavior that her friends have at school. They all say disrespectful things about their teachers. I can't stand it! And although I hear her frustrations about her teachers, I do not allow her to speak disrespectfully of them. But she does anyway. There is a mob mentality.
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Chayalle









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 11:17 am
Perhaps you can help her share her frustrations about her teachers in a respectful way.

My parenting mentor, Mrs. Trenk of Lakewood, says that when your child is sharing school frustrations, that is not the time to teach them Derech Eretz. That is the time to hear them, validate, and soothe. When they are all worked up and upset, it's not a teachable moment, and any lesson we try to teach them will likely be wasted. Save the lesson for a later time, when they are more calm.

My 10 year old (who acts alot like a teenager already) is not having the best year at school with one of her teachers. And truth be told, that teacher is about as flexible as an iron rod, and her expectations of her students are pretty much cookie-cutter. She comes home from school so frustrated, and many of her complaints are really legit, though I don't necessarily tell her that in so many words.....

When she's venting, I just listen and try to reflect her feelings and frustrations, so she can calm down about it. I might explain why her teacher may think that way, or how we can be Dan L'kaf zchus, but I would do so very gently.

A few hours later, I might say to her - you know, remember that conversation we were having about Mrs. Rosenberg (not her real name) before? It's not really respectful to call a teacher XYZ...when we speak about a teacher, we really should say X, as that's more Kavod, than Y....

I find a much more receptive audience that way.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 11:43 am
Point taking about the venting and non-teachable moments. My DD screams during moments in which she is frustrated yet there is no fix. There is just no answer that she wants to hear. Even if we listen to her and she is "heard" the screaming still occurs.
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amother




Vermilion


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 11:49 am
amother wrote:
Point taking about the venting and non-teachable moments. My DD screams during moments in which she is frustrated yet there is no fix. There is just no answer that she wants to hear. Even if we listen to her and she is "heard" the screaming still occurs.


Part of it is hormonal. Have you noticed when the screaming occurs or what sets her off?
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ellacoe









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 1:32 pm
amother wrote:
Point taking about the venting and non-teachable moments. My DD screams during moments in which she is frustrated yet there is no fix. There is just no answer that she wants to hear. Even if we listen to her and she is "heard" the screaming still occurs.


What is that she is frustrated about that there is no fix for ?
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Queen6









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 2:19 pm
OP; please don't say WE - this does not go on in EVERY home. It does not and should not be this way. You need to figure out a solution and not just take it sitting down saying its yeridas hadoros or that you have no recourse. This is not acceptable - I'm scared to know what kind of wife, workmate, mother, and neighbor she will be.
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 2:32 pm
Teenage girls, from the dawn of time, have acted this way. Some are more "expressive" than others. Female hormone cycles make many women INTENSE, and highschool is INTENSE, and teens are not quite mature enough to deal with everything without exploding... Keep listening, validating, giving consequences, and teaching good behavior, and by eighteen you'll likely have a mentch. This too, shall pass. (Although I often wonder how mature all of us mothers would act if we were put back in the intense social pressure of highschool again....)
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Fox









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 3:14 pm
Perhaps I'm wrong, OP, so feel free to correct me. However, I'm getting a sense from your posts that you feel it is wrong or unfair that you should have to put up with this behavior from your daughter. If that's the case, even a little, it will help if you change the way you think.

Parenting is a job, and if you don't treat it like that, you will buy yourself a lot of unhappiness. Like any job, there will be parts you enjoy and parts you hate. There will be times when you can barely drag yourself "to work" and times when you don't mind it so much. There will be times when you look forward to the atmosphere or people and times when you find it depressing.

When a parent sends the message, "I shouldn't have to put up with this," even unconsciously, the child hears the parent saying, "My most important value is my own comfort." Again, you may not be intending to send that message, but that's what is being conveyed.

Teenagers will react in one of several ways. Some will attempt to win the parent's approval by being overly docile and "good." Others will act out destructively to attract negative attention. And some will simply lash out with temper tantrums. None of these responses is healthy, and sometimes the docile kids can be as damaged as those whose responses are more obvious.

So start by forgetting about the screaming. You are not winning that battle, anyway. Reinforce the behaviors you want your DD to demonstrate. What are some of the things you can do to reward her, emotionally, physically, etc.? Start using those rewards whenever she engages in a pleasant, adult conversation with you. Reward her when she voices a complaint or discusses a problem without screaming or kvetching unnecessarily. Feed the emotional adult in her and starve the emotional toddler.

Everyone on Imamother knows what I'm going to say next.

Yes, that's right. Move the goat. How do you get your mother's goat? You find out where it's tied. Your DD screams at your because she intuitively knows it bothers you. She's upset, so she'll upset you. Move your goat. Don't let yourself get upset by the screaming. Or at least pretend not to get upset. It may take a while, but when your DD discovers that screaming isn't rattling you in the least, it will cease to become an effective weapon. That, combined with positive reinforcement, will likely be enough to push and pull her into more appropriate ways of communicating.

Hatzlacha!
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ellacoe









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 3:19 pm
Fox wrote:

Yes, that's right. Move the goat. How do you get your mother's goat? You find out where it's tied. Your DD screams at your because she intuitively knows it bothers you. She's upset, so she'll upset you. Move your goat. Don't let yourself get upset by the screaming. Or at least pretend not to get upset. It may take a while, but when your DD discovers that screaming isn't rattling you in the least, it will cease to become an effective weapon. That, combined with positive reinforcement, will likely be enough to push and pull her into more appropriate ways of communicating.

Hatzlacha!


Thank you for that. I have never heard that expression before. I love it!
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Fox









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 3:24 pm
ellacoe wrote:
Thank you for that. I have never heard that expression before. I love it!

It's my go-to parenting advice for almost all occasions.

At 120, I"YH, they'll probably engrave on my matseva, "Her goat isn't tied here!"
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Chayalle









  


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 3:30 pm
Fox, posts like yours on this thread make me wish we had a love button on imamother. Thank you!
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, May 16 2018, 4:09 pm
Fox, when I say the post listing on my home page, and saw that the last responded was you, I thought "great! op got expert advice!"

And then I clicked on it to read it, because your outlook helps me so much in my parenting. Hope OP will feel the same way.

So fox, please keep posting here. Lots of IMAS are hungry for your pearls of wisdom.
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