Passing the mother in law test - criterion

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amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 6:25 am

IYH one day all of us will be mothers in law. How does one know if they pass the test? Let's name some things you need to do in order to be a "great" mother in law.

I'll start:

- call your daughter in law every day, 3 times a day for 2 months before she gives birth, to see if she is still home.
-ignore the grandchildren
-notice and be sure to point out every way in which you are different (=bad) from her
-point out all the home improvements you could (=should, so long as she doesnt have to contribute money) do.

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 6:37 am

ROFL, amother you are certainly absorbing all those MIL posts.
I have to say that my own MOTHER is doing a great job of being a good MIL. She has only one son and is smart enough to know (even though it ticks her daughters off) that you need to be nice nice nice to the DIL in order to keep good contact with son and family. With the daughters you can take the kid-gloves off...
Unfortunately my own in laws are not as smart :-(

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 6:46 am

I'll never pass this test! My daughter-in-law is way off in Aus, at the tip of the globe. And with 9 hours time difference, and their schedules, I barely have time to talk to them, let alone see them or their apt!

Shucks - you guys win every time!

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 6:46 am

na I am the same person you responded to last night about my horrible shabbat!
So tell us based on your experience how to be a typical m-il- to pass the test!

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 9:09 am

amother wrote:

just so you know, distance does not mean that you are not involved. we live in israel, my parents live in america and my in laws live in south africa, so we talk when we are able. but when they know that they are needed, they find a way to "be there" even if it is over email or a phone call, hours later.

dont worry, I am sure that you are doing the very best that you can:)

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 9:11 am

And in some cases it makes things better with the distance.

shanie5

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:38 am

-compliment d-I-l's cooking, and always add a "if I made it I would have done it this way..." comment
-buy gifts for the other grandchildren only

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:54 am

ROFL Shanie. Oy, do I feel for you.

shoy18

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:54 am

make sure to overstay your welcome when coming for a visit

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:59 am

*Make sure never to visit your son and his family for the 16 years they live in chu"l. Those ski trips to Europe are so much more important.
*Announce that you are going to China on Erev YK because it's an opportunity not to be missed as long as you can still go. At your age, who knows.... Yah, and don't bother coming to see your son's children more than 3 or 4 times a year even though they live 20 minutes away. There's no opportunity there.

shanie5

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:59 am

actually tamiri, those 2 dont fit me. these do:
-ask a million questions whenever u call-so u know more about her life than she does.
-never eat anything she makes-especially if it was for you.
-plan to give grandkids stuff that dil will probably not want in her house.
-treat dil nicely to her face, but bad mouth her to ds (that is far in the past now)
-hint that dil is not feeding her son properly

anyone wonder why I dont answer the phone when she calls?

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 11:02 am

Ok guys I am the one who vented last night about my shabbat with I-l's at my house. You are seriously making me feel better! Of course I am greatly annoyed and depressed and angry but the laughs I am getting from here are quite therapeutic. Keep 'em coming!

(We arent really gonna be m-i-l's one day are we???????)

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 11:10 am

I have been married for nearly 24 years, of those 16 faaaaar away from family. I learned to shut out the in-laws, it's good for my family and we stayed married. They are not observant, which makes it easier. They think we don't have them over so much because of the religious issues, so let them think that. I have no problem with un-observant, in general.
My MIL is not a meddler, she's just nebach not quite right socially. She gets her jollies by making her son, my husband, miserable. He used to pass it on, until I grew up and saw what was happening. I said every time she calls, "ata nofel bapach", literally you fall in the garbage can.
So once I realized that she sets him off every time she calls, I took to putting a garbage can behind him when he spoke with her. Worked like a charm: he started noticing his behavior after she calls and started to deal with it.
I simply don't deal with people I don't like, rather than me or them be miserable or fight, it's all totally neutral, which is how I like it.

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 11:22 am

*When your grandchildren come to visit, make sure to clean out whatever is in your pantry and give them the stuff.... even when it's (usually) expired.

My MIL once gave the kids a Toblerone that she must have picked up on one of her trips and it was over a year expired. We noticed, and threw it out. She then called to tell us she thinks it was expired and she is so embarassed. Now, if you know it's expired, why give it? Okay, if this was the only time. But it was the first of most occasions... she always gives them at least one thing that expired. We say absolutely nothing... we don't want to lipol bapach, so we just examine, see expired, toss. The kids know to do that as well and to NEVER say anything about it.

*Take grandchildren to a Chanuka show in Tel Aviv. 4 year old forgets to take his jacket from his seat. Hide it in your bag, and proceed to leave theatre when show is over. Kid is outside without jacket. Give him a near-heart attack by asking WHERE IS YOUR JACKET YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN. After kid practically slumps to the sidewalk in a dead faint, calmly remove jacket from plastic bag you are holding and hand it triumphantly to child telling him "next time I won't take it for you". Loverly.

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 11:40 am

*Buy her a new sheitel for your son's wedding, and tell her it's because you want her to 'have at least on decent sheitel'. (And when you don't like the style, tell her. She'll have to listen to you and change it because after all, you DID buy it for her...)

*Whichever hairstyle or outfit she's wearing, always tell her she looks better in something else.

*Make sure you and your husband contradict the grandchildren's parents by telling them that they ARE allowed to do whatever their parents don't allow them.

Mrs. XYZ

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 11:47 am

Seriously though, in this weeks Binah magazine there was a beautiful article by Rachel Schmidt on the 'dos and donts' of how a woman should act to her married children. Try to get a copy and send it to her!

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 12:00 pm

I find that one of the worst things a mother-in-law can do is tell her dil off about her looks. I know that when my m-i-l tells me something that she doesn't like, I either don't wear it again, or, when I do, I feel very self-concious thinking the entire time that my m-i-l doesn't like the way I look.

And usually, it's not because I don't look good. I am very careful with how I dress; I know exactly how to do my makeup and my sheitel and my clothing. Everything is always perfect.

ny21

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 2:56 pm

give birth to triplets and say my daughter-in law did a good job

Last edited by ny21 on Sun, Nov 18 2007, 5:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

Tefila

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 3:43 pm

Imo the best mother in laws are ones who keep their mouth shut, eyes open, hands giving, and a shoulder to cry on. Smile

southernbubby

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 4:52 pm

The rebbitzen of our community recently became grandmother to triplets keneinahora and was a good mil and went to feed the triplets. Every mil should have the chance to be so good.

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