Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Bringing in the kids from Israel
Previous  1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 1:18 pm
amother wrote:
It is very common for the parents to bring in the Israeli kids in our circles which is why he has this resentment that he is not getting that. The two weddings are two and half weeks apart from each other. He can give his kids to neighbors/relatives and come in for just one wedding.

To the poster who said I should tell him hes getting 3000 im getting nothing - my head is screaming that line. This is not the first time there is issues with him coming to a simcha and money. Last time I made a comment to him you know that the only person getting money is you don't complain. He was very upset at me, he lives in israel he has no money bla bla bla. I am really not getting involved this time but the situation is really bothering me so I am venting here!!


There are only 2 words for your brother: GROW UP!!!
Back to top

heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 1:34 pm
I just want to add that this works both ways. When I chose to move to Israel I understood that the majority of my friends and relatives would not be attending simcha I make here. I am grateful to every single out of country person who attends my simchas. And I certainly would never hold it against anyone who doesn't have the time or flexibility to attend.
Your brother made a choice. He needs to own that choice and make a decision that works for him and his family. Kvetching has no place here.
Back to top

amother
Sienna


 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 1:36 pm
Ask your brother what he will do when he'll be making a simcha. Will he be bringing your parents when he makes a bar mitzva or wedding?
Back to top

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 1:38 pm
amother wrote:
Als your brother what he will do when he'll be making a simcha. Will he be bringing your parents when he makes a bar mitzva or wedding?


Excellent question.
Back to top

amother
Khaki


 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 1:51 pm
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
Excellent question.


LOL. He's not going to come to America for his sibilings when we start making bar mitzvas/weddings but he will be insulted if no one comes to his. Honestly I know myself that I will push myself that at least I fly in for his simchos. I love him. He is my brother and family is very important to me. This "poor Israeli" attitude is just so annoying. I see it in a lot of friends and relatives that chose to settle in Israel.
Back to top

amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 2:01 pm
I flew in from Israel when my siblings made smachot (except once when I was pregnant) but they all said they couldn't afford to come when I made a Bar Mitzvah. It was hurtful but I did choose to live here and I have to understand.
Back to top

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 2:10 pm
amother wrote:
LOL. He's not going to come to America for his sibilings when we start making bar mitzvas/weddings but he will be insulted if no one comes to his. Honestly I know myself that I will push myself that at least I fly in for his simchos. I love him. He is my brother and family is very important to me. This "poor Israeli" attitude is just so annoying. I see it in a lot of friends and relatives that chose to settle in Israel.


I don't know if it's an Israeli attitude. However there is a huge misconception among many Israelis that all Americans are rich and make huge salaries but they have zero knowledge how much you have to pay as a frum Jew to live in America (health ins, tuition, day camp etc, the list goes on and on)
However this attitude serves your brother very well right now.

Your brother should indeed change his whiny attitude and get himself a job. One day he will marry off himself and oh boy, then he will see what's it like in Israel!
Back to top

DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 2:27 pm
amother wrote:
Mazel Tov I have two sibilings engaged now and both weddings will be in August. Between the ufrufs weddings and shabbos sheva brachos there will be a lot of traveling as we are in three very different cities - long drives or flights apart. My parents do not help out any of the married kids with travel costs it is expected for all of us to attend the weddings and shabbos sheva brachos and we will pay for it ourselves.

I have a brother in Israel with three kids who expects to be brought in and have flights and car rentals arranged and paid for him. My parents told him they will give him 3000 towards travel and he can decide what he wants to do.

My brother is very upset and is insulted. He says all his friends get brought in and everything paid and arranged for them. Where is he supposed to come up with the money to pay for everything. Do my parents not love him and not want him at the Simchas?!?! I think he is being ridiculous. 3000 in very generous especially since no one else is getting a dime and everyone has lots of traveling to do. He chose to live in Israel and he chose to stay in learning and this is one of the consequences. You either come up withe the cash to go to simchos or you miss them.

It is really bothering me that this should be a time of simcha and this is causing such hard feelings between my mother and brother and they both complaining about each other to other family members. What is your arrangement for simchos with the Israeli sibilings?

*I* am the Israeli sibling in my family, and I do not expect anyone to foot my expenses (although sometimes a parents has offered to pay for one of my children's airfare, which is a generous offer).

I certainly do not expect someone to rent a car for me and make all my detailed arrangements. I'm not Queen Elizabeth!
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 2:38 pm
Four of my brothers got married overseas, necessitating the need to travel and get plane tickets for their weddings.

first one - DH and I didn't attend. I was pg with oldest DD and have complicated pregnancies.

2nd - I flew in with DH and toddler DD. My parents generously paid for one ticket. I paid the other ticket, DD's lap ticket (with apologies to Fox), and my accommodations overseas.

3rd - I went by myself. Paid my own ticket, but my parents paid for my accommodations. DH stayed home to hold down the fort with our two daughters. We couldn't afford more than that.

4th - I wasn't going to go. We simply couldn't afford it. My mother A"H was already very ill at the time and my SIL called me and put forth the claim that I am obligated to come, as for various reasons I was considered best at various aspects of my mother's care. We asked Shailah and our Rav agreed with my SIL. We asked my father to help lay out $$$ for my ticket and DD's lap ticket (sorry again, Fox. I was still nursing so couldn't leave her behind. But I did end up with an entire row of seats to myself on the flight there, and an empty seat beside me on the flight back) so I could pay him back at a slower pace, and he agreed. He also offered to pay my accommodations. Over the next few months I paid him back around 2/3 of the cost of the tickets, at which time he told me the rest is a gift.

With my own experiences in mind, and having heard about my mother A"H's experiences (my father is European, and this came up when his siblings got married) I think the following:

*Your parents do not owe your brother an entire-family expenses-paid trip. $3000 is more than generous

*your brother does not owe your parents to come to the Simcha. It's possible that it could be difficult for him to come, despite the generous advance, for the following reasons:

*If he comes with his wife, he might not have satisfactory arrangements for the children

*If he comes without her, that might not be feasible at this particular time. It might not be a good time for her to manage without him, and no one can make this decision on a couple's behalf and decide that "they have to work it out".


In short, when an ocean separates family members, they cannot be expected to show up for simchas, despite an abundance of good will, caring, etc....


BTW - my own feelings regarding my brothers' future Simchas I"YH, which will likely all take place overseas, is that if ch'v Mashiach doesn't come first, I will try to attend B"N one wedding each. With this in mind, I encouraged DH to attend his nephew's wedding in Israel last year, because if we had to choose one wedding his brother would make, that was the one DH really wanted to go to - he's very close to that nephew.

Sorry for the long ramble. OP, just keep listening, sometimes peace can be made just by validating and listening to everyone. Speaking from experience.
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 2:50 pm
It’s about time he finds new neighbors.
In my neighborhood most families are not flown in. That may be due to their size. But parents+baby is usually who goes in. They could fit into a guest room.
It’s not expected.

In my previous neighborhood it was the norm.
Two weddings is expensive enough! $3000 on top is very generous. There are great summer programs the kids could could go to until their parents return. Use some of the money to fund child care.
Back to top

farm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 3:05 pm
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
I don't know if it's an Israeli attitude. However there is a huge misconception among many Israelis that all Americans are rich and make huge salaries but they have zero knowledge how much you have to pay as a frum Jew to live in America (health ins, tuition, day camp etc, the list goes on and on)
However this attitude serves your brother very well right now.

Your brother should indeed change his whiny attitude and get himself a job. One day he will marry off himself and oh boy, then he will see what's it like in Israel!

This!
Instead of 'I don't want to get involved,' I think OP should enlighten him that we all work hard for our money. Reading between the lines, he sounds like some people outside the working world who think people within the working world are all rich and obligated to pass some on.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 3:10 pm
farm wrote:
This!
Instead of 'I don't want to get involved,' I think OP should enlighten him that we all work hard for our money. Reading between the lines, he sounds like some people outside the working world who think people within the working world are all rich and obligated to pass some on.


To expand on the bolded, he should be aware that many of us living in the US struggle with Parnasa just as much, if not more.

I once did a price comparison with my Israeli SIL, and she came away utterly flabbergasted. What with a paid for apartment, and tuition costing them peanuts, subsidized medicine, etc......she realized that we are not rolling in dough here, even though our salaries are much higher....
Back to top

Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 3:18 pm
Since it's so important to him to do what "everybody" does, tell him often the parents will pay 1 ticket - for their child- not the daughter/son in law, and not the grandkids.
Back to top

amother
Babyblue


 

Post Thu, May 24 2018, 4:46 pm
My BIL and SIL have a bunch of kids. He's the oldest son of a large family. For most of the weddings, BIL came alone. For one other, he came with 2 kids, and for two weddings, he came with everyone.

When I was 9 months pregnant, my DH flew to his brother's wedding without me.

Your bro needs to get a life. If I was your mom, I'd take back the 3k faster than he could say boo.
Back to top

amother
Yellow


 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 12:05 am
It's very common when families live internationlaly that the whole family doesn't go to simchas, just the actual relative - in this case your brother. MOst people can afford one ticket.
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 2:04 am
I too am the sibling in Israel (though we are still a young family)
My parents have generously brought us home without asking questions at dif times etc
My on laws on the other hand for smaller family simchas - not weddings- bris, vort, siyum have demanded that we return we spoke to out rav etc and there are times we went back and were not interested worse part is my MIL always has strings attached, bec ‘she brought usbin....’ HATE it... and its hard for DH we choose not to go back too often at this point bec we know it will be VERY hard... shes (MIL) never happy about where we are etc

Maybe coming in isnt always easy
Add financial strain to emotional
Maybe theres lots going on in their personal lives
I like saying... we don't know anything going on by anyone else even our closest frnds and family
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 2:05 am
I too am the sibling in Israel (though we are still a young family)
My parents have generously brought us home without asking questions at dif times etc
My on laws on the other hand for smaller family simchas - not weddings- bris, vort, siyum have demanded that we return we spoke to out rav etc and there are times we went back and were not interested worse part is my MIL always has strings attached, bec ‘she brought usbin....’ HATE it... and its hard for DH we choose not to go back too often at this point bec we know it will be VERY hard... shes (MIL) never happy about where we are etc

Maybe coming in isnt always easy
Add financial strain to emotional
Maybe theres lots going on in their personal lives
I like saying... we don't know anything going on by anyone else even our closest frnds and family
Back to top

ProudMommie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 2:58 am
Deleted
Back to top

amother
Yellow


 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 3:22 am
ProudMommie wrote:

"He chose to live in Israel and he chose to stay in learning and this is one of the consequences. You either come up withe the cash to go to simchos or you miss them. "

This comment is just SO irritating and one of the reasons I am so glad to not live in america as much as I possibly can. BH someone chooses to stay in learning, BH yr brother chooses the kedusha of the holy land..BH u have siblings. Some ppl dont. Are u telling me that All the siblings cant cut down on some of those american extras for a day and pitch in a little bit to cover his expenses? Maybe cut out some appetizers from the chasana menu that no one needs to stuff themselves with anyway? Your brother is not owed anything, but u should recognize and appreciate his tremendous mesiras nefesh to learn our holy Torah in the holy land. It is not easy. Rolling Eyes


Doesn't sound like mesiras nefesh. Sounds like he's plenty happy with his life there.
Back to top

ProudMommie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 25 2018, 6:04 am
amother wrote:
Doesn't sound like mesiras nefesh. Sounds like he's plenty happy with his life there.


happiness and mesirus nefesh are not mutually exclusive in E'Y
Back to top
Page 2 of 3 Previous  1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Are all kids like this??
by amother
3 Today at 2:18 pm View last post
Some kids don’t thrive in a school setting 11 Today at 2:07 pm View last post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
134 Today at 1:10 pm View last post
Belati Kids
by amother
0 Today at 11:05 am View last post
Comparing usa to Israel on here
by amother
40 Today at 8:43 am View last post