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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Seagreen
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Mon, May 28 2018, 11:19 pm
Another thread brought back a memory. Years ago, when I was 20, a close friend had a friendship with another girl that became very unhealthy.
The new friend was controlling of who my friend could socialize with, was very jealous, and demanded endless attention. Every time my friend tried to extricate herself, this girl would threaten to swallow a bottle of pills.
I remember telling my friend to just ignore this girl, stop speaking to her, but this girl had such a stranglehold. She felt responsible for this girl's safety and well-being.
Now, I'm thinking about this. How can we arm our children to protect them from getting involved with unhealthy friendships?
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Kiwi13
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Mon, May 28 2018, 11:32 pm
Teach them when a secret is not a secret. Teach them that they are not responsible for another person’s actions. Teach them to be aware of unhealthy dynamics and warning signs. Teach them how to disengage from unhealthy relationships and how to seek assistance and from who.
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Kiwi13
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Mon, May 28 2018, 11:34 pm
Also, maintain open communication and invite them to ask for guidance at any time. Make it so they aren’t afraid to come to you for help even if they’ve already gotten themselves into a bad situation.
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amother
Royalblue
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Mon, May 28 2018, 11:37 pm
If you feel threatened, or are threatened in any situation, at any age, ask for help... and then write out of list of people who can help.
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amother
Seagreen
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Mon, May 28 2018, 11:55 pm
Kiwi13 wrote: | Also, maintain open communication and invite them to ask for guidance at any time. Make it so they aren’t afraid to come to you for help even if they’ve already gotten themselves into a bad situation. |
This is very good advice.
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amother
Seagreen
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Tue, May 29 2018, 12:01 am
amother wrote: | If you feel threatened, or are threatened in any situation, at any age, ask for help... and then write out of list of people who can help. |
This is very true and very important, but with the type of unhealthy relationship I was trying to describe, it began as a friendship. And the threats were about the friend doing self-harm.
The victim didn't recognize how she was being manipulated.
She wants to be a loyal, good friend and if leaving the friendship will cause her friend to sink into a depression and swallow a bottle of pills, then how could she leave her?
I guess my question is, how can we raise our children so that they will recognize if they are being manipulated in a relationship? To not, help people out of a sense of needing to be needed?
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amother
Seagreen
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Tue, May 29 2018, 12:04 am
Kiwi13 wrote: | Teach them when a secret is not a secret. Teach them that they are not responsible for another person’s actions. Teach them to be aware of unhealthy dynamics and warning signs. Teach them how to disengage from unhealthy relationships and how to seek assistance and from who. |
This, yes. But how do you teach? Repeated discussions and modeling, I guess ?
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amother
Red
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Tue, May 29 2018, 2:41 am
Kiwi13 wrote: | Also, maintain open communication and invite them to ask for guidance at any time. Make it so they aren’t afraid to come to you for help even if they’ve already gotten themselves into a bad situation. |
Make sure they know they can make mistakes and you won't be angry or upset with them.
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studying_torah
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Wed, May 30 2018, 12:21 pm
Kiwi, can u elaborate on unhealthy dynamics and warning signs?
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amother
Mint
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Wed, May 30 2018, 12:41 pm
When a friend is nice to you but can be mean to others - not a healthy friend
When a friend is friends with you but doesn't want to hang out with anyone else - not a healthy friend
When a friend constantly guilt trips you (why don't you answer my 100 calls? how come you never want to hang out etc) not a healthy friend.
When you don't feel good in someone's company - not a healthy friend
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studying_torah
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Wed, May 30 2018, 12:50 pm
Thank u mint, very clear explanation!
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FranticFrummie
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Wed, May 30 2018, 12:59 pm
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. That is what you are dealing with.
There are some excellent books out there on how to deal with people who have this, and how to protect your boundaries.
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