How’s to protect my children from abusive father

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 2:59 pm

I went through years of taking it from him and learnt how to put my foot down. Oddly I just don’t know how to it for my children and it’s ripping me apart. Just yesterday I had to watch him trying to control my young teen (about when he can go to the bathroom and how long he can use it) criticize him when he stayed in a bit longer than putting him down and shaming him what a bad example he is for his younger siblings. Interestingly my son still wanted to please him by telling stories by the Shabbos table which makes him happy. I wanted to rebel for my son from every fiber of my body. I don’t want to disrespect him in front of my kids, and there’s 0 point in bringing it up later because he won’t change.
How can I protect my kids and teach them right from wrong without putting him down?
And y do I feel like I’m making a big deal of nothing? (It’s effecting me on a deep level)Like I do not want to share this with my friend cuz she’ll tell me it’s old school maybe but common. All fathers like when their kids sit by the Shabbos table...
I feel so bad for my son just want to hold on to him hug him and never let go!
Any advice?

amother

Linen

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:02 pm

I keep my kids away from my father as much as possible. They seldomly see him, at family simchas and that's it. I need to protect my children and this is the only effective way with him.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:03 pm

You can protect the children by removing them from the situation.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

You can protect the children by removing them from the situation.

Easier said than done.
I’m only staying in the “situation” for the kids.
When they get hurt like this I doubt myself. But he’s their father forever and even if I leave they will have to spend time with him and I won’t even be there to have the opportunity to try to protect them.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:08 pm

OP, did you mean your father, or your dh?

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:09 pm

amother wrote:

If he's truly abusive, he won't be spending unsupervised time with him.

amother

Linen

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

I thought you meant from your abusive father, as in their grandfather.
Wishing you lots of strength.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:13 pm

amother wrote:

Well how are you protecting them? It sounds like you are standing by and watching and allowing the abuse to happen. How is this "for the kids?"

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:31 pm

Well I did get on here and post to try lean how to protect them better and improve the situation for them.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

Well I did get on here and post to try lean how to protect them better and improve the situation for them.

Intervene when it's happening. Ask to speak to him in another room and tell him why what he's doing is not ok. How it is emotionally harmful for the child. Insist he go to therapy to learn appropriate parenting methods.
If he refuses, continue to intervene each and every time. You are choosing to be with him, so you need to buffer the abuse. If you can't do that, then you need to reconsider your options.

Mommyg8

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 4:02 pm

I don't know why it's not ok to speak up in front of your child. I would.

Whatever you have done to make him stop abusing you, use those same techniques for your children. They are counting on you - you're all they have.

amother

Blush

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 4:05 pm

No. If you leave he will not do this as often. Or he will become a new person at least on the surface to pretend he was always good. Try first medicine, therapy, his parents, his Rabbi, , less s~x, all tactics. Be open that you are on BC until he handles waaaay better actualy 100 percent better the existing kids

notshanarishona

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 4:12 pm

Divorce. You are not helping them by staying married.

imasinger

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 4:15 pm

OP asked how to do that.

Here's what it might look like.

DH: DS, you took forever in the bathroom, what do you think you were doing in there? You're setting a terrible example for the younger kids! The time to go is before the meal, and then you make it short, didn't you ever learn how to do it right?

You: DH, I need a word with you in our room, right now. It can't wait.

(My DH and I call such times "quick executive conference." If one of us calls it, the other excuses themselves immediately and we go for a powwow.)

Hopefully, he comes then, but if not, ask again.

Once you have him alone: DH, the way you were talking to DS is not OK with me. It's not right to shame anyone about when or how long they need the bathroom. If you thought there was a problem, you should have taken him aside quietly, asked him nicely if he was OK, and then calmly told him that you would appreciate it if next time he were faster.

DH will probably respond defensively.

You: I am not comfortable with your browbeating the kids. If you don't find a better way to express yourself, I'll be contradicting you in front of them. But I will not let them be bullied by you. Just think about it.

OP, since you have learned to stand up for yourself, I think this is doable. Whether he chooses to comply or face being contradicted by you is up to him. And the kids feel validated.

Of course, this is assuming you continue to back him in front of them at every time he is being reasonable. And maybe make an extra show of respecting him in little ways; stand to greet him when he walks in, etc.

Last edited by imasinger on Sun, Jun 03 2018, 10:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Rose

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 4:34 pm

Sounds like professional help is needed ASAP! Dont wait a day! Stick up for the child. He can use the bathroom and anything else however long he needs!

amother

Pewter

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 6:25 pm

I am in the same situation as you. I am going to tell a little bit about it, because many people dont understand, I want people to be more aware of what emotional abuse situations are and entail for many reasons. If I had known, I wouldnt be in one. I used to think women who stayed with abusers were crazy people. When my "honeymoon" was over and the charismatic popular loved man disappeared, I went four different times to 4 different people with incidents and in general and all 4 times they told me I was overreacting. They "poo-poohed" my concerns and minimized it. Everyone was interested in preserving my shalom bayis. I considered them to be more wise & intelligent people in the community and family. I went to therapists, with & without him, they assured me they would say if I should get out & cut my losses. I spent years working on myself & my 1 sided marriage. Until I came to it on my own, realizing that I am the sane rational voice and no one else gets it, then is when I got their support that one day I will iy"h leave this situation.

Based on my situation I have more than one professional saying the best way is to ride it out a few more years before getting out. I am not staying FOR my children, I am staying WITH them. If they were all babies still, I would have left, it would be less complex. It was supposed to be this way obviously but if someone would have helped me understand that it was emotional abuse, instead of giving bad advice, I am not an idiot, I just didn't have experience differetiating abuse from normal shalom bayis problems and trusted others. Don't judge until you try on these shoes. Please be supportive and good to the OP even if you have something difficult to say.

I am struggling with the same tricky parenting as you. Whoever said emotional abusers don't get unsupervised visitation is wrong. You'd have to wait for a hospital visit or 911 call to do anything. Even with "proof" chances are very high that it would still continue. Not only that but when they are old enough to give the judge their wishes, they'd still choose to have visitation because they love him and want to be there for him and are waiting for his love & approval. The abuser gets to keep abusing and the really heart wrenching part is watching your kids try to please their father and walk on egg shells to keep him in a good mood. Then worrying how to be superwoman and raise them not to be an abuser & not to marry one. Iy"h one dayday I hope o set a example, hopefully not too late.

To the OP, my strategy in parenting is to validate the children's emotions, remind them it is not okay, they do not deserve that, it's ll on their fathers sad deep wounds & issues, ask them to say how they would have liked to handle it if they were the parent, approve of their ideas where healthy alternatives are offered. If husband gets out of hand and goes too far, I allow my face to show my disapproval and will step in and cause he'll to break loose if I need to by opening my mouth. For the kids I try to minimize that, it's not always necessary to go that far, my facial expressions speak volumes. I also teach them to always trust their gut feelings and instincts and to listen to their bodies.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 7:04 pm

I understand your reasons for staying.
Get a family therapist involved as soon as possible.
If your husband won't allow everyone to tell the truth and discuss and take guidance either from a therapist with the two of your or your whole family then you have to think about the next step.
First see if you can get a professional in place asap.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 7:10 pm

Make a strategy and tell your husband in advance at a calm time how you are going to handle it. Hopefully he can discuss it with you and agree. If he can agree then make a plan how to handle if he crosses the line.
A professional can give guidance and keep everyone accountable and hopefully learn healthier ways.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 8:14 pm

Pewter amother had a good point about validating your kids feelings and being a witness to what's going on. They should be aware that their fathers behavior is not ok and that will make it easier for them to overlook certain things. Also maybe get some self help books for older kids to read. So they can understand what causes people to behave abusively and how best to respond and not internalize it.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Jun 03 2018, 10:08 pm

You're not asking to protect your children, it sounds like you're asking how to protect yourself. I was that child in such a marriage, and while it may be super hard especially if he's abusive to you, you're the only adult the kids have. Say something. Don't let him do that to the kids. And if you can't, GET OUT of that marriage. You were entrusted with precious neshamas, so that you could protect them, don't let them be abused. Stay strong, you can do this for your kids.