How much do I ask MIL to help with kids?

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 2:20 pm

Our children are close in age and DH is not home much. Finances are tight so we don't have any help. I sort of vacillate between feeling frustrated that mil doesn't help much and feeling like she doesn't owe us anything and it's not her responsibility.
Would you feel frustrated if a local grandmother wasn't so involved? We have a good relationship and I want to keep it that way. Sometimes I feel resentful and then feel guilty for feeling resentful.
She does have time on her hands but just isn't the type to roll up her sleeves and do much. I would take any regular help I could get. Meaning not just I'll offer to do whatever when I feel like it, but I'll commit to do something weekly or every 2 weeks or something... Like watch the kids for a couple hours while I scramble to get some errands and appointments taken care of, etc. WWYD?

chatz

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 2:27 pm

Resentment and frustration have no place because she has no obligation whatsoever to help you with childcare.

That being said..

Have you actually asked her? Hi MIL, I was wondering if you could watch the kids on Wednesday between 4-6 so I could run errands? It would be a huge help for me.

Some people offer help. Most wait for you to ask.

Some grandparents would love to help. Others are DONE. You don't know until you ask.

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 2:30 pm

When my kids were younger my MIL lived close by. She didn't work and was home all day.
I never asked her to help. I did accept her offers when she offered help though. The only time I didn't give her much of a choice was when I had gave birth and needed a place for the older one to stay.
I never expected her help and I didn't harbor resentment either. I was working full time and had little babies but still I don't think a mother or mother in law is obligated to help out. They did their share raising us and now if they want to or feel up to it it's nice for them to assist but are in no way doing anything wrong by not helping.
Now that my MIL moved away, she actually offers more often to take my kids or to stay by me to watch them. Maybe because she misses them more since she doesn't get to see them as often. Or maybe she got to a point where she is more up to it than she was years ago. I am appreciative of her either way and never expect her to be my help.

Cookiegirl

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 2:32 pm

amother wrote:

feeling like she doesn't owe us anything and it's not her responsibility.

This...

She doesn't owe you anything. I am a grandmother (albeit one that works full time, plus) and I help when I can, but it has to be on my terms, unless there is an emergency of some sort. She raised her kids, and presumably did it well enough for you to marry one of them. I would suggest accepting graciously whatever help she offers, and try to lose the resentment. If you are really not managing, then I would recommend that your DH request her assistance.

If you need help with child minding so you can do errands, a better option may be to share child supervision time with a friend or neighbor and swap hours...

LittleMissMama

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 2:56 pm

I think it's too much to ask for a regular babysitting time. She'll offer if she wants to.

We lived near my mil at one point and she never once offered help, never offered to come visit etc etc and the few times I asked for help she usually said no. Twice there was an emergency and she agreed to help. That's life, unfortunately.

Sometimes its easier to NOT live near family.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 3:03 pm

I think asking for occasional help and emergency babysitting is fine. That's what family does. Asking someone to take on a regular job is not fair. Some grandmothers want that responsibility and some don't.

She's older than you are, and possibly less energetic. It's always harder watching someone else's kids than watching your own. Maybe she has to help her elderly parents, and maybe she's just glad to be done with child care.

That doesn't mean she doesn't love you and the kids. She might show her affection in other ways.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe she has to help her elderly parents, and maybe she's just glad to be done with child care.

That doesn't mean she doesn't love you and the kids. She might show her affection in other ways.

Exactly this.

Is mil busy with her parents or with her own mil? Elderly parents can be a huge drain of time and energy and if this is the case mil may not have much energy or time left to help you. If she's not so young she might have her own health problems that you don't know about. You can ask for help but don't feel resentful if you don't get as much as you'd like. Expecting mil to take on a steady babysitting job a few times a week is a bit much.

pizzapie

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 3:55 pm

Have you ever actually asked your mil for help? People are not mind readers and if you really need the help then you need to verbalize it. Keep in mind that offering help in a routine way may feel like a big commitment for some and your mil may not feel like she is able to commit to that. It's easy to look at someone else and say that they have plenty of free time, but ultimately raising your children is your responsibility and not hers.

Rubber Ducky

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 3:59 pm

Your MIL has no obligation but asking is free — IF you have a good relationship and are OK if the answer is no. It's possible she will be happy to do some babysitting.

I watch a toddler grandchild 3 times a week and my macheteiniste watches her 2 days a week. But we volunteered.

amother

Mint

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 4:30 pm

Life is tough with that age family, it's a lot of tiring work. The onus on having it easier is up to you & dh to afford help. If things are tight any creative ideas to help are a godsend. But no one owes it or is obligated. Some people didn't have the strength for it the first time around and are done. Do you have any neighbors or friends that you can help each other? Take turns watching kids, joint children meals here & there?

amother

Puce

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 4:38 pm

Sounds like she does offer to help just not commit to a regular ongoing commitment.
I would just accept her offers, and sometimes ask, but I would not ask for an ongoing regular commitment.
If you are feeling overwhelmed find another way to ease your load.
I get very uncomfortable with the whole premise that she has time on her hands. One you don't know how she is feeling physically or otherwise. Two if there are other married kids then they expect the same.
Great that you have a good relationship.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 5:30 pm

Why oh why cant we just TALK?! Maybe she wants to help but isn't sure with what...maybe she doesn't want to...ASK!! "If it would be nice for you to be with the grandkids2 hours a wk then it would be a help for me to do errands then. If not also good. Just asking to see how u feel" my mom wouldn't offer but would love to be asked.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 5:35 pm

I never thought of expecting this. I’m moving near my parents soon and didn’t even think to ask my mom to watch my kids on a steady basis. I’m not so sure she’d want to anyways. And asking is free - I guess it is. But she might be unhappy that I even asked - she might think I’m expecting her to. I think I’ll gladly accept when she offers, and ask for emergencies or specific scenarios “daughter needs a tooth pulled, can I leave my other kids with you while I go to the dentist” but committing on a steady basis? Her schedule is finally “free”, why would she want to tie herself up?

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 7:09 pm

We live an hour away from MIL. But for 3 years we lived 5 minute walk. She doesn't, didnt, help, ever. She feels she is done. She also doesn't feel an achrayus.
I dont think it's right, but I dont let it effect my relationship with her, or dh.
To explain- she is a preschool assistant, so she is capable. Which makes it harder for us all to swallow, how uninterested she is in the grandkids. It's mind boggling. Not just in helping, but even if she comes for a shabbos meal, she doesn't show interest in them.
But her preschool students love ger, and the parents do to.
Cuz that she enjoys.

Anyhow, like I said, I still have a good relationship and deal with what I have. She hosts us for shabbos 2-3 times a yr. That's about all we get from her. But hey, she's my kids gramma and I will only say good thing and when she is around, I still encourage the kids to approach her and try to engage. Sometimes it goes better than others.

Sigh

Atleast my dh is a excellent father, loves nd is connected to the kids very much.
Atleast the detachment wasnt genetic. Just her personality.

mom39

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 7:40 pm

To the previous poster - it sounds like you are resentful even though you say you are on good terms with your mil . Trust me - she knows how you feel! Im sure it comes through.
Your mil does NOT have to babysit for you. As a matter of fact, I know some people that babysit steadily for their grandkids and it becomes expected and NOT APPRECIATED!.
If you help out all the time and then say you want to take a few days off, you become the bad one. If you say you will babysit every now and then, it is greatly appreciated.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 8:56 pm

mom39 wrote:

Trust me- she has no idea my feelings about her helping the kids.
You don't know her, or personality. There's no way you can make that assumption.
I am a mindful person and focus on the good with her. I dont have to agree. She doesn't have to feel it. It isnt even discussed.
I talk to her about things she enjoys and interests her . She also talks a lot and I listen nicely.
She is also from a different cultural background.
So no, she doesn't know. Because it's not in my feelings, it's in my minds oppinions and that's easy for me to control