Being rejected based on background

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Being rejected based on background
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Forum -> Chinuch / Education

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amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:13 pm

My parents worked very hard to come to America and give their children and future grandchildren a better life and freedom of religion to be able to be frum and get a good jewish education.
It is so extremely frustrating that no matter where I turn in the jewish community no one wants to accept my kids into their establishment because I dont have "yichus" and that my background is not full of names like cohen, fried and klein...
Is this what hashem wants???
My grandfather's family was killed by the nazis because they were jewish and now their decedents cant get a proper jewish education because the shtetl where my grandfather was born was destroyed in the holocaust and no one survived to become a big chassidus???
This is just so unfair to me and to my kids!!!

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:15 pm

I'm so sorry for your pain. Is this what they are telling you? That the rejection is based on your background? I'm wondering if perhaps there are other reasons. Either way, rejection hurts and I'm sorry.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:21 pm

Why do you think it's based on your background?

In was rejected from one place because DH has a job, from another place because I wore a crew neck top (buttons are acceptable) a other place because ds (4) kicked the table during the interview.

All these rejections we're blessings in disguise. We sent our kids to schools we didn't think would work out. Shockingly, we couldn't have been happier.

amother

Navy

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:23 pm

Op, I have yichus from both parents and my child was rejected from 3 schools. Why do you say you're being rejected for lack of yichus?

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:25 pm

you say where ever you turn in the frum community- I'm not sure where you've tried but no place I've sent to has cared an iota about what yichus I do or don't have. Are you trying to send to chassidish only schools? Mentioning chassidish because you mentioned that in your op. I'm sorry you are being rejected-that must be very painful

amother

Taupe

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:27 pm

Op which city are you in?

This doesn’t make sense, you’re orobsbly being rejected for some other reasons.

It really hurts though maybe we can suggest if we know where u are

pond user

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:33 pm

I know this post may make it seem as though your struggle isn't real, believe me I know as well as you do that it is; we are a family without yichus too.

But here's what I do: I apply to the schools with the closest hashkafa to my family and child, and then I wait. Normally, I'm rejected because we just aren't the right 'type' of family the school is looking for. I.E. we have neither the extreme yichus nor the extreme wealth.

So I move on to pick a school which is probably way too modern for us to consider and I say, Hashem, I know this school probably isn't going to be the best school for my child's yiddishkeit, but we have to go somewhere and the places with the great yiddishkeit don't seem to want us. So I'm trusting that You will assist us to ensure my child will continue to thrive in all areas of their development, including spiritual areas, regardless of where they are schooled.

Usually what happens next is we receive a phone call right before the schools begin and there is a magical opening in our child's preferred school choice.

Now it's not that I have too much pride to get and push. I blatantly refuse to push my child into an environment that doesn't really want them. I don't want anyone doing any massive favours for us, I don't want to owe anyone anything (apart from Hashem) for bending over backwards to make space for us and I don't want my child made to feel as though they are less important than those will yichus or money. I truly believe if the school doesn't want my child, my child doesn't belong there.

Those who choose a wonderful name over a wonderful child (yes I think my kids are wonderful Smile

) are potentially losing out. Those who contact me later on, because they realise I'm not going to beg for a spot for my child, and they have realised my child is probably a very good fit for their school, I'm more than happy to cooperate with.

This may not seem like a solution to you (I'm generally not fazed by reactions and opinions of others who think I'm crazy for applying to a less than frum school) but thats what works for me. With my last child who's due to start this September, I applied to a school and was 'surprisingly' rejected, I had little choice but to place her in a Jewish state school where majority of the students weren't Jewish, and almost none of the teachers were either. We received a call this morning from the school with our original application to inform us a space has opened for our child.

If it's meant to be it will be. And if Hashem thinks it's a fit for your child, there will be a spot.

ETA: if you have to change the way you dress, shop, cover your hair or speak, in order to be accepted to a school of your choice, you really aren't a good fit for that school and the messages your child will receive could be quite damaging.

Last edited by pond user on Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:35 pm

OP I hear you loud and clear . I went through this so so many times that I predict it already. And yes, it came back to me that it was because of my background. One menahel of a school (I won't say which) told a rebbe in the school , that a certain child of a BT was a lost case and there's no point in putting an effort into the child, after all his grandfather ate chazer (pig). With an attitude like that it makes me wonder who the frum ones really are.
An both my mother and my inlaws cried bitter tears each time one of my kids (their grandchildren , second generation FFBs went through the non stop rejection from schools) . They gave up more than you can imagine to be frum god fearing ehrliche yidden and this is the communities response to their offspring.
Just remember OP it's not YOU with the issues . It's this demented world we live in, where the attitude gets worse by the year. Keep strong. Be proud of your roots. To HaShem your parents yichus atzmo is way more special.
I feel your pain, went through a lot of bitterness over it and then decided this is just HaShems way of preparing me for my kids shidduchim IY"h.
By then hopefully the constant rejection won't hurt as much. For anyone that has not been in your shoes,, they will never truly believe you and will try to convince you that it "must be for other reasons". Unfortunately the truth hurts and people have a hard time accepting that the community is cruel to certain people.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 4:46 pm

I never heard of this. As far as I know, if you’re a good frum Jew who lives by the ethos of the school, and your child doesn’t have learning or behavioral issues, you don’t have a problem getting in. I guess I’m naive?

amother

Jade

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 5:02 pm

OP, not sure what your background is. But I can tell you that if you're from a Russian background, you might be right about the reason you're receiving rejections. We live in Eretz Yisroel, and I am suspicious that the reason more than one school rejected our family is because one of us (for privacy reasons I won't say whether it's me or my husband) is from a Russian background. The schools use any number of excuses to reject, but one school insinuated that they don't care for said Russian background. Additionally I have a friend with a Russian background who was rejected from the same school we were for absurd reasons too.

These school rejections today are a problem, regardless of your background. This issue touches those who grew up in the most frum homes as well as those who became BT. The schools' excuses might be different for different 'categories' of Yidden, but the results are the same.

Ironically Jewish schools were supposed to prevent our youth from going OTD, but could these schools' rejections, unreasonable demands and over the top expectations of students and parents chas v'Shalom lead to the next OTD crisis?

amother

Jade

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 5:13 pm

amother wrote:

I used to believe the same. If you don't mind my asking, are you located in a major Jewish metropolis, like Brooklyn, Lakewood, Monsey, Jerusalem or etc.? Because I think what you are saying applies to 'out of town' communities, but as per the major centers of Yiddishkeit, without some major proteksia, you will probably be rejected.

And honestly, proteksia might not even be enough; we asked our Rebbe to assist with getting our children into a particular school, and even that wasn't enough. My good friends who grew up and remain as Chassidish as one could possibly be received rejections from a plethora of schools which they "live by the ethos of" as you term it. The reasons given are outright absurd, but my friends believe it's because they are from chutz l'aretz. As for their proteksia? My friend's relative works at one of the schools that rejected them, and even she couldn't get my friend in. Never mind what it was like dealing with the other schools, which they didn't have proteksia with.

The situation today with some schools is out of control.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 5:26 pm

I don't think you should assume it is background. There is always an excuse of some sort. I am stuck right now because I was told to apply to two schools and they both have said that they won't consider the application if we applied elsewhere. please note that it was them who told me to apply to two options in the first place!

I have also been asked the most humiliating questions in the most humiliating fashion. eg I never heard that surname before, are you sephardim? (actually no but what is it your business?) and even which primary school did your husband attend? (not a clue! who cares?) or the cream of the cake how many times a week do your kids see your husband sit in front of a gemara? (Huh??)

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 5:26 pm

Why would you want to send to this institution if this is their hashkafa? Who wants to pay money for their child to get this kind of chinuch? Please don't say that this is all there is. There is a huge spectrum of mosdos within right wing orthodoxy. Your child's chinuch should be way up there on your list of priorities.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 5:36 pm

amother wrote:

One reason I can think of is that in some kehillahs nearly everyone sends to the same mosdos, and so you might have a hard time keeping your children within the kehillah as they grow if you're sending to a different school. This is the situation in our kehillah. Several families were rejected from the same cheder, and had to send to others. It hurts the families, because all the other boys are going to one cheder while a few are going elsewhere, separated from the other boys from the kehillah all day.

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:01 pm

amother wrote:

I had OPs experience after applying to six different types of schools. Unfortunately it's the reality.
My DHs sister moved to our town. Her daughters were not accepted into ANY school not Chasidish, Litvish, or modern. Only once they were home for an entire year did one of the modern schools accept them. At that point their self esteem was down in the dumps. These girls were destroyed, the whole neighborhood knew these new people on the block didn't go to school because nobody accepted them. One girl was supposed to start highschool, preschool, and third and sixth grade.
By the time the girls were given a school the oldest was very upset and refused to go. She went OTD. The others eventually followed suit. When my SIL saw that the schools in this city were just not going to budge and accept her kids she was ready to move back but her kids were too embarrassed to go back and face their old community after having major goodbye parties with their old school and friends.
There were multiple askanim that worked on trying to get them into school but it took over a year and a year too late.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:10 pm

amother wrote:

nope - I live in Cleveland Smile

I see your point ...

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:18 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

ok please be honest - why weren’t any of them, accepted anywhere? Was there another factor or issue? This sounds extreme and unusual and I’m wondering what details I’m missing that may have contributed to this (tragic) scenario.

momX4

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:33 pm

amother wrote:

I'm assuming this is Monsey.

It's well known now not to move unless your kids have a spot in school. Although schools like Ashar and Ateres have an open acceptance policy, as far as I know.

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:37 pm

amother wrote:

deleted double post

Last edited by thunderstorm on Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 6:44 pm

amother wrote:

They came from Monroe to Monsey and their mother is a child of geirim. Everything else was fully functional and normal at the time. At that time Monsey Chasidish schools would not accept people moving from Monroe. Litvish schools said go to a Chasidish school. Modern schools said no way it just doesn't make sense. Add to that my SILs background and they assumed they moved to Monsey for the wrong reasons. She moved here because her parents and siblings all live here.
Now I probably gave myself away completely because of this story .But I wanted to be blatantly honest so you understand that there was no real reason other than family background.
10 yrs later other SIL tried getting little daughter into school with the same run around. My DH happens to be friendly with the founder of the school and he admitted , he found I weird that Chasidish father and mother from interesting background were applying to his school and didn't want "weird" people in his school. When DH told him it's his sister (who is not weird at all) he accepted my niece that day.
There is major judgment on us and it always comes back to family background. We are second class citizens which means "weird" according to them. Sorry it's the truth and nobody cares!

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