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DVOM









  


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 7:30 pm
This little situation has been on my mind all day today. I thought I'd write it down to help me sort it out. There's really no point to it, just my musings. Feel free to pass on to another (more interesting) post!

So, my almost 10 year old son is having a birthday party at home this Sunday. It's a small party (that's all I can handle!). I told my son he can invite six kids from his class. They're coming for about an hour and a half. We'll have pizza and cake and paint and play some games. My son is really excited.

Sounds simple, but somehow this party is generating a lot of complicated emotions for me.

First complicated feelings: There is a boy in my son's class who was his good friend in first and second grade. This kid developed some emotional and behavioral difficulties in third and forth grade that made him withdrawn and sometimes mean, and my son stopped being friends with him. I'm friends with this boys mother, so the boys have gotten together when we've all been together as families. It's been so painful to watch my friend's son deteriorate. I asked my son if he would invite this kid to the party. I told him that he doesn't have to count as one of the six friends that my son is choosing, he could be an extra, seventh friend. We talked about what good friends they were when they were younger, and that he is a family friend, and that he's been very sad and angry this year in school and might really be happy to be invited to a birthday party. At some point during the conversation my son started to cry and told me that he really misses this kid, and wishes they could be friends again. My son had questions I couldn't easily answer: why did this kid stop being his friend, stop being anybody's friend? Why is he never happy? Why does he cry so much and get so mad? Why does he act so weird sometimes? I hugged my son and just did my best to listen. My kid expressed his fear that the friend will pick a fight or have a tantrum at his party. We thought about this and came up with a plan: my husband will take the kid to a separate room if he needs to. We invited the kid to the party, and my friend texted me today to tell me how excited her son is. I'm so proud of my son for being kind and including this kid in his special day. I was amazed at the depth of his pain over loosing this friend to his mental illness; I guess I still see him as too little to feel this loss so profoundly. I'm also full of doubt: was it fair of me to ask this of my son? I'm so so so sad and feel so helpless to help my friend and her son. It scares me that a good woman doing her best seems helpless to pull her kid out of such a deep and pervasive depression.

Second complicated feelings: We have a neighbor who has poor boundaries and can sometimes make unreasonable demands of me. When we made my other son a birthday party she pretty much said that she was 'very shocked' that I hadn't included her children in the party, even though I explained to her that the party was only for a handful of school friends, and that while I would have loved to include all the neighborhood kids, I simply couldn't logistically. I'm nervous about this neighbor being angry with me when she sees us celebrate another party without inviting her kids. I wasn't not going to make my son a party because of this, but... I just hate to have bad feelings between neighbors. She was cold and huffy after my other son's birthday party.

Sigh! Ok, I feel a little better just having gotten this all out. Thanks for listening!
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amother




Babypink


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 7:35 pm
wow that is heavy. That's so sad about your friends son and difficult for everyone involved, my heart just breaks. I really hope he has a compete refuah.

Your neighbor is being completely unreasonable but you know that. It's still not fun when people get upset with us even when not justified.
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amother




Pink


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 7:38 pm
As long as you're not inviting 90% of the neighbors besides her kids, I don't think she had reason to be upset. My friend recently confided in me how hurt she and her daughter were when a neighbor invited all the girls around her age to a birthday party- besides this girl.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 7:41 pm
That was very big of you and your son to invite his friend to the party. Kol hakavod! I hope it goes well.

When I made a birthday party for my DD, I invited some school friends who happen to live in the neighborhood as well as another neighborhood friend and our family. Another neighbor who has a daughter the same age (but different school and not really my daughter’s friend) apparently noticed that we were having a party and sent over her daughter with her older daughter Shocked It was very odd. Some people just don’t have boundaries. Don’t worry about what she thinks or says, you have to do what works for you and your family.

Happy birthday!
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DVOM









  


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 7:42 pm
amother wrote:
As long as you're not inviting 90% of the neighbors besides her kids, I don't think she had reason to be upset. My friend recently confided in me how hurt she and her daughter were when a neighbor invited all the girls around her age to a birthday party- besides this girl.


Ouch. I could see that being very painful. In this case, the party was only for a few school friends, no neighbors at all.
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thunderstorm









  


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 9:08 pm
DVOM you really inspire me time and time again. You are such a good mama and I wish I was that good at the job. I was going to say I'm jealous of you and decided that those are the wrong words. I really admire you for being the amazing mother and woman you are . It's so apparent from your posts. I wish I can aspire to be like you. You are truly special. Don't second guess your decisions you are on the ball.
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DVOM









  


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 9:44 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
DVOM you really inspire me time and time again. You are such a good mama and I wish I was that good at the job. I was going to say I'm jealous of you and decided that those are the wrong words. I really admire you for being the amazing mother and woman you are . It's so apparent from your posts. I wish I can aspire to be like you. You are truly special. Don't second guess your decisions you are on the ball.


Thanks, Thunderstorm. This was a very kind post. I'm not feeling like a particularly good mama tonight, it was a tough evening, so thank you.
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SuperWify









  


Post  Tue, Jun 12 2018, 10:25 pm
Wow! Your such an amazing Mom! I love how you discussed your sons feelings about his friend very openly and how on top of the situation you are. (As a mom of a boy discussing feelings emotions ect with your son is the biggest gift you are granting him, his future wife and children IyH.)

Kudos and keep it up!
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