Teen wants to do hisbodedus

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:02 am

Teen daughter has been learning chassidus this year and has been learning about hisbodedus. She says that it's best done outside, not in her bedroom. I told her that I'm not comfortable with my daughters being out alone at night. It wouldn't bother me if she went with a friend, but she says the whole point is to be just her and Hashem. I know she is sincere - this isn't a ruse to meet boys or something, she is sincerely working on her avodas Hashem. Any ideas what to tell her regarding sitting out on a bench at night? Any other moms of teens come across this?

Dont know

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:03 am

Why does it have to be at night?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:32 am

Apparently that's the preferable way to do it? That's what her book says. Also, during the day there are a lot of people walking around and it would be more awkward to sit on a bench somewhere doing nothing.

crust

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:33 am

Who is teaching her this?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:37 am

She and her friends buy and swap Rav Arush books. She has a friend two years older who's family is into chassidus. It's not coming from school, that's for sure. I think that in Israel it's common for DL teens to take interest in chassidus of various kinds.

amother

Gold

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:38 am

Not sure what hisbodedus is but can she sit in the backyard? Where does she plan on going out to sit alone at night?

crust

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:47 am

amother wrote:

I think that as a mother, you are doing a great job in encouraging her to find her path but she is taking things a little too seriously.
We sometimes have to gently guide them to find balance. Does Rav Arush think it is safe for teen girls to be out alone at night? What does she think Rav Arush thinks?

I think it is very important for her to not just follow his books blindly but to get guidance from a real-life mentor.
Is it possible to discuss this and any future issues with this derech with Rav Arush? Or with someone that you both trust?

Good luck!

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 3:09 am

amother wrote:

How old is she? Does she have a cell phone? How late at night does she want to go out? How far from your house does she want to go out?

I think you two could compromise on the hour and how far away from your house she can be, depending on her age. I did this a lot, without telling my parents, I'd go to a nearby park, I had my cell, I had my feet, I lived in a frum neighborhood and yes there were hoodlums sometimes but I went to non-hangout parks.

Also if I went late at night I often wore a hoodie, and would sit in dark places so if anyone passed by me: 1. They wouldn't recognize me. 2. Hopefully no one would approach me because I looked like trouble.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 3:54 am

Crust, that's a good idea. She has asked R' Shmuel Eliyahu question before on this hotline he has. I'll tell her she can ask about this. She doesn't have any adult mentors who understand this draw to chassidus.

Amother, she does have a cellphone. She wants to go out at around 10pm, and wants to sit on a nearby bench. It's just a general bad feeling I have about girls being out at night, not that she's trying to push limits.

As for the chassidus, it's not my cup of tea at all, but I see it trending with the teens, and after reading Rebbetzin Machlis's biography recently, I'm trying to be more open-minded.

Ruchel

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 4:50 am

Contact me if you're in Western Europe. There's a group doing this totally safely.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 5:07 am

If you live in an area where it's safe for her to sit outside alone, then let her do it. She'll feel good knowing that you respect what she's trying to do.

(My experience with teens suggests that this is probably just a phase. Assuming you're in the northern hemisphere, it's warm out now, but wait until winter. By then, she'll probably find a warmer form of religious expression.)

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 5:10 am

Quote:

By then, she'll probably find a warmer form of religious expression

This put a smile on my face.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 5:19 am

amother wrote:

How old is she? 10pm sounds really early..I thought you meant like 12.30 or something.
10 is when a teen's life starts.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 5:28 am

Quote:

How old is she? 10pm sounds really early..I thought you meant like 12.30 or something.
10 is when a teen's life starts.

You are totally right. We are really old-fashioned olim parents. She is 15. She goes out with friends at that hour - it's just the alone thing that gets me.

BTW, I'd love to hear from other parents whose teens explored chassidus, and what was your take on it.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 7:42 am

amother wrote:

Quote:

How old is she? 10pm sounds really early..I thought you meant like 12.30 or something.
10 is when a teen's life starts.

I'm an american israeli myself, I'm a newlywed, so my teenage years weren't very long ago at all. At 15 I was studying for bagruyot with friends till 2am and walking home. Again we lived in a very frum neighborhood. My parents usually did not know when I came home.

One of my good friends is chaddiish and my other one is litvish but loves chassidim and the concepts. I think it's very healthy to let your children explore, I think chassidus is something beautiful, and although I'm not interested in being chassidish, with all it entails, I love learning about the ideas, reading books on it, talking about it, and taking minhagim from there. WE ARE all Jews after all and there's so much beauty from other sects of Judaism. I think it's very healthy and normal especially for teens to explore these concepts, as they are really discovering what HASHEM and Judaism mean to them.

I definitely did not share any of this with my parents, this stuff was always between me and Hashem. You should feel grateful and like an awesome parent that you have brought up a daughter who wants to share her excitement and ideas with you, especially on spiritual things which can be a very sticky topic with young women.

In any case, it's fine for a 15 year old to be alone at night, with a cell. If you are nervous you can suggest she walk around and or only sit in places near your house, a young girl sitting doing nothing attracts more attention than if she looks like she's going somewhere.

Young teens need the freedom to explore, and definitely need time alone whether to talk to Hashem, themselves, or just get out by themselves and walk around. It's a very confusing period and I think it's very healthy to walk around by yourself for whatever reason.

You can compromise, ask her to tell you how long she will be gone, how far she plans on going, and make sure she has a cell.

watergirl

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 7:56 am

Hi OP, I am Breslov. I’ve read all of the Arush/Brody books and loved most of them so I understand the draw (they are not my familys personal rabbonim but I owe hakaras hatov to them).

Having said that, while hisbodedus is thought to be best outside in a field, whatever, hisbodedus does NOT have to be done outside or at night! In fact, tell your daughter to email rabbi Brody (pm me for his personal email address) and ask him herself, or you email him and ask, I would be SHOCKED if he told her to go out at night and against her mothers wishes. The point is not to put ones-self in harms way or to cause strife. My husband davens neitz every day and gets in his hour then. Sometimes its from our couch.

If she is into Breslov, there are other books about hisbodedus that I would recommend. But none of them say to go out at night. Where did she get that idea from?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 7:59 am

Lilac amother - Thank you for your honest and thought-provoking reply! I guess we have been a bit limiting. She was actually very secretive this year. I was very concerned about it. When I finally figured out her big secret was her interest in chassidus I was relieved. She was worried we wouldn't take it well. now she is dying for us to read all of her Rav Arush books :-)

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:03 am

watergirl wrote:

In fact, tell your daughter to email rabbi Brody

Good idea! I will PM you.

Quote:

If she is into Breslov, there are other books about hisbodedus that I would recommend. But none of them say to go out at night. Where did she get that idea from?

It was a different book, not a Rav Arush book. Don't remember the name. It said that night and nature was preferable.

oh boy!

watergirl

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:33 am

amother wrote:

It was a different book, not a Rav Arush book. Don't remember the name. It said that night and nature was preferable.

oh boy!

I mean, ok... I guess, if that author’s rav said so. There are no halachos about hisbodedus because while Breslovers consider it to be a daily thing, some would say manditory, no one would say that its a halacha to do it. Dovid HaMelech was the champion of hisbodedus and he used to do it at night... at his pillow. I do it while grocery shopping, walking my dog, walking to shul... whenever I have a few quiet moments. Why? Because thats how my rav advised me to do it. And thats the key - having a flesh and blood rav to ask. Are you in Israel? I can connect you to our family’s rav who is there and super approachable.

And even if night and nature are preferable, no one would tell a teen aged girl to do it like that.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:54 am

I am a different chassidus and familiar with the concept (altho not familiar with anyone who currently practices it), but it's always spoken of as something done in the early morning hours, or out in the field/forest during the day. The night thing throws me off. I'd also he concerned and would offer the early morning hours as an alternative. If she's serious about it, that shouldn't be an issue.

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