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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
octopus
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 Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:55 am
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I'm sure you are relieved that her interests are in chassidus, but she is still a teen and trying to push the boundaries. And she still needs you to set those boundaries. You should not feel guilty saying no to outside at night. You can come up with a compromise. But set those boundaries.
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amother
Lemon
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:15 am
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My ultra breslov friend her husband does it in a bedroom for an hour from 2:30 to 3:30 why does she have to do it at night ?
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:38 am
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Could she go with a friend and sit near each other but not together? Would that make you more comfortable?
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amother
Mint
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 10:38 am
| amother wrote: | | I am a different chassidus and familiar with the concept (altho not familiar with anyone who currently practices it), but it's always spoken of as something done in the early morning hours, or out in the field/forest during the day. The night thing throws me off. I'd also he concerned and would offer the early morning hours as an alternative. If she's serious about it, that shouldn't be an issue. |
Why are early morning hours better than 10pm?
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amother
Blonde
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 10:49 am
Good for you for being open and supportive. So key with children especially teens and SO glad to hear this is what she is being "secretive" about! She sounds like a special girl searching to connect with Hashem in a deep and meaningful way.
There is a big difference between a girl walking around or being out at night with a friend or a group or ALONE!
Sounds like you can work with her and find a way that makes sense all around. Good she told you.
Much nachas!
Bhatzlocha!
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Ruchel
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 10:57 am
Not all chassiduyos are about hisbodedus esp for women.
BUT maybe there's a neighbour with a garden? Or she can go to a camp with late night fire? 10 is indeed late to be out as a teen.
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amother
Amethyst
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 12:30 pm
| amother wrote: | | Why are early morning hours better than 10pm? |
It's a lot safer to be out at 6am than 10-11pm!
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amother
Lilac
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 1:23 pm
| amother wrote: | | It's a lot safer to be out at 6am than 10-11pm! |
Depends where you live. In a frum neighborhood it'safe to be out anytime.
In any case, as someone who is not technically out of their teenage years, I MUST say there's something about the night that makes it a better time. I know there's a Torah source for this, but everything deep seems to spill out at night more so than the day.
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amother
Powderblue
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:15 pm
| watergirl wrote: | Hi OP, I am Breslov. I’ve read all of the Arush/Brody books and loved most of them so I understand the draw (they are not my familys personal rabbonim but I owe hakaras hatov to them).
Having said that, while hisbodedus is thought to be best outside in a field, whatever, hisbodedus does NOT have to be done outside or at night! In fact, tell your daughter to email rabbi Brody (pm me for his personal email address) and ask him herself, or you email him and ask, I would be SHOCKED if he told her to go out at night and against her mothers wishes. The point is not to put ones-self in harms way or to cause strife. My husband davens neitz every day and gets in his hour then. Sometimes its from our couch.
If she is into Breslov, there are other books about hisbodedus that I would recommend. But none of them say to go out at night. Where did she get that idea from? |
I think I heard a shiur by Rabbi Brody that says that women shouldn’t go out alone late at night.
If you are not able to contact Rabbi Brody, you can contact Rabbi Reuven Levi.
You can contact them through the breslev.co.il.
While you are there you can listen to some shiurim. Live Shiurim in English Wednesday evenings.
Either way it’s important that she has a mashpia that will guide her slowly and with sechel
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 2:48 pm
Thank you to everyone who replied. So many helpful replies!
The incredible thing is that ever since she told me she seems happier and lighter. Like she was carrying this big burden poor thing.
What worries me more is that she wants to switch schools to a school where chassidus is part of the environment. We are in Israel where there are many school choices. The school she wants to switch to is one of the ones we looked into originally, so I don't object to it, but I'm concerned with her wanting to make big changes all of a sudden. She had a hard year academically, to put it mildly, and I realize that makes her vulnerable and eager to increase emunah.
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amother
Copper
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 4:42 pm
What a coincidence! You'll never believe this but my ds also wants to do Hisbodedus at night. Please let me know where you dd plans to be doing her Hisbodedus and I will send my ds to keep her company. Trust me he won't mind at all. 
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amother
Blonde
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:48 pm
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amother
Natural
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Sun, Jun 17 2018, 8:55 pm
| amother wrote: | | What a coincidence! You'll never believe this but my ds also wants to do Hisbodedus at night. Please let me know where you dd plans to be doing her Hisbodedus and I will send my ds to keep her company. Trust me he won't mind at all. |
Are you the same poster who wants to keep company the husband whos sleeping in the car?
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amother
Brunette
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 1:30 am
| amother wrote: | | Are you the same poster who wants to keep company the husband whos sleeping in the car? |
You all are too funny.
Actually, I am also the OP of this thread, so the joke about the boy wanting to keep her company wasn't too far off: https://www.imamother.com/foru.....20796
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amother
Peach
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 7:37 am
What is hisbodedus?????
Am I the only one who wants to know?
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Ruchel
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 7:44 am
Some frum neighbourhoods are not safe at all, because there are not only frum people. I'm so puzzled. In the meantime, some [gentile] neighbourhoods still have people don't lock their door.
No offense but if a boy and girl go out together at night that wouldn't work at all for most parents.
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watergirl
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:11 am
| amother wrote: | What is hisbodedus?????
Am I the only one who wants to know? |
Talking to HKBH one to one like He is your father and friend. This is in addition (not replacement) to formal davening.
For more info:
http://www.azamra.org/Essentia.....s.htm
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amother
Dodgerblue
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:11 am
| amother wrote: | Thank you to everyone who replied. So many helpful replies!
The incredible thing is that ever since she told me she seems happier and lighter. Like she was carrying this big burden poor thing.
What worries me more is that she wants to switch schools to a school where chassidus is part of the environment. We are in Israel where there are many school choices. The school she wants to switch to is one of the ones we looked into originally, so I don't object to it, but I'm concerned with her wanting to make big changes all of a sudden. She had a hard year academically, to put it mildly, and I realize that makes her vulnerable and eager to increase emunah. |
OP, I think Crust's advice here about balance is very wise.
When I was a teenager, I went through a phase of spending several hours every day saying tehillim and davening, experimenting with taanis dibur, and some other things that are not typically considered to be teenage behavior. I also had some friends who did similar.
Looking back, none of this was good. It came from an almost ocd type of place, a need for control. Although also very innocent and yes, wanting to have a relationship with Hashem.
But it wasn't healthy or age appropriate because it lacked balance. It had all the negative effects on me of any typical ocd behavior. And btw I was not ocd, but other things going on in my life made me feel out of control.
Had I had the opportunity, whether through therapy or another way, to learn techniques for feeling in control in a healthy way, and relinquishing control of things outside of my control, I probably would never have gone through that stage.
So I don't really have specific advice, other than perhaps to question what is driving this.
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LovesHashem
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:29 am
| amother wrote: | OP, I think Crust's advice here about balance is very wise.
When I was a teenager, I went through a phase of spending several hours every day saying tehillim and davening, experimenting with taanis dibur, and some other things that are not typically considered to be teenage behavior. I also had some friends who did similar.
Looking back, none of this was good. It came from an almost ocd type of place, a need for control. Although also very innocent and yes, wanting to have a relationship with Hashem.
But it wasn't healthy or age appropriate because it lacked balance. It had all the negative effects on me of any typical ocd behavior. And btw I was not ocd, but other things going on in my life made me feel out of control.
Had I had the opportunity, whether through therapy or another way, to learn techniques for feeling in control in a healthy way, and relinquishing control of things outside of my control, I probably would never have gone through that stage.
So I don't really have specific advice, other than perhaps to question what is driving this. |
I know someone who went through that too, not from a control place though.
I think in general teens are very imbalanced and will take things to the extreme, and you can't really try to stop it, because it will happen is one area or another. They are finding themselves.
Although I feel you, and let's say for example this is the case with OP's DD, what can mom do? Go up to DD and ask if she has a control issue? This could me coming from tens of diffeent of healthy or unhealthy places, and it's impossible to know where uinless DD tells her.
I think mom needs to compromise, give her daughter freedom but at the same time some ground rules, stay open for communication and make sure her daughter feels loved and safe and if DD has any of these feelings she will be able to tell mom.
Realistically I don't think you can do much else.
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amother
Dodgerblue
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Mon, Jun 18 2018, 10:31 am
| LovesHashem wrote: | I know someone who went through that too, not from a control place though.
I think in general teens are very imbalanced and will take things to the extreme, and you can't really try to stop it, because it will happen is one area or another. They are finding themselves.
Although I feel you, and let's say for example this is the case with OP's DD, what can mom do? Go up to DD and ask if she has a control issue? This could me coming from tens of diffeent of healthy or unhealthy places, and it's impossible to know where uinless DD tells her.
I think mom needs to compromise, give her daughter freedom but at the same time some ground rules, stay open for communication and make sure her daughter feels loved and safe and if DD has any of these feelings she will be able to tell mom.
Realistically I don't think you can do much else. |
It's not really control "issues", but feeling out of control in a chaotic, unpredictable world, and grasping for an anchor.
The red flag for me about this possibly being the issue, was OP saying that her dd wants to switch schools now bec. she "had a hard year academically, to put it mildly, and is feeling vulnerable".
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