Quality Vs. Quantity Time

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Jun 18 2018, 11:50 pm

Op your baby will probably be sleeping most of the time. I’m not sure how your going to spend quality time like that. Maybe you can keep him up till really late at night? My baby sleeps from about 8:00 pm-7:30 am. So you might want to rethink your work schedule. Also, that last hour before bed can be cranky hour... I think you should figure something out so you get to spend time with your baby apart for Sat. And Sun. Can your husband take on more hours?

Woman of Valor

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:03 am

perquacky wrote:

I'm sure if the OP could cut down on her hours, she would find a way to do it. For many of us, it's just not possible.
It's an easy suggestion to throw out there, but often it's not very helpful. Suggesting ideas on how to maximize the quality of the time you have with your baby ——those are the helpful suggestions.

If I needed to be away from my baby for that many hours a day to support cost of living in my area, I'd move. Bonding with my baby is my priority. I don't agree that everyone who could cut down would. Plenty don't and then face the consequences and feel deep regret.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:15 am

OP,
Since you will only have a few hours at home at night after work, definitely figure out a plan of how the housework and meals will get done. Hopefully you can delegate to your spouse or get some part time help at home. Worse case scenario would be spending a lot of time on Sunday to cook meals ahead of time and freeze. Or get used to using the crockpot for meals. This is so when you are home, you can spend as many undistracted moments with your family. Notice I said family. You will be tempted to spend all your free moments with your precious baby to make up for being at work, but don't make the mistake of doing this at the cost of time with your spouse. This is so you can continue to function as a family instead of on "survival mode" where every man is for himself/herself. Also, make sure you have some "me" time with yourself. 10 minutes a day, somehow. And think about setting up shopping online accounts for food, supplies, etc. Although I have never used the grocery online shopping service, I have set up orders for items on a recurring basis. Target often has free shipping for many of their items.

byisrael

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 3:34 am

When mt mom was working crazy hours with my baby brother she co- slept with him evan though she didn't with any of the others - she used a co-sleeper crib, but she felt that he needed to sleep in close proximity when she wasn't around all day.

Also she had his schedule so that he napped in the afternoon so he was awake late.

She also nursed him until he was 2....

He is six now, has great attachment, is one of the smartest, most sensitive, verbal, caring six year olds I've met. Don't worry to much..

cinnamon

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 4:42 am

I second co sleeping if you can do it safely it'll also help you get enough sleep.

If you can wake the baby up to have some snuggle time in the morning that would be great and once the baby starts eating solids try to have one meal that you give him and not the babysitter also try to do baths yourself but only if it doesn't stress you to much.

A child psycologist once told me that it's the predictability that give a child a sense of security and not the amount of time that he is with you vs with a babysitter so if he knows that you always come home before supper time/bath time/some other set time he will have a healthy attachment even if he is with someone else most of the day.

Oh and ofcourse make sure the babysitter is warm, caring and loving and also supportive of you. I had a wonderfull babysitter for many years. At one point she had all of my kids by her some all day and some after school. She once told me that she never tells the mother if the baby smiled/sat/walked for the first time. She wants the mother have that 'first time' experience even if it's not the baby's actual first time.
I thought that was so nice of her.

You have to remember taht Hashem doesn't make mistakes. He gave this child you as a mother and he gave you the circumstances to make you work these hours. You're doing what you think is right and so that IS whats best for your child.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 4:47 am

I'm listening to you, OP.
I had to go back to work soon after each of my kids was born because I was the main breadwinner with a B"H good job and those were the rules of a guaranteed job back after leave. No part-time possible, No daily help. Once a week cleaning help. Whatever.
So, yes it was hard, but my kids did great. They were in school by 8:00, I was at work soon after. I picked them up from after-care at about 5:45 to their questions "when is dinner ready, I'm starved".
So here are some tips.
Have dinner ready the night before. Or stashed in the freezer. I kept meatballs, carrot muffins, chicken dinners frozen when possible in batches. I set it out to defrost that morning.
All I had to do once I got home is get my microwave finger ready. And a small salad. My kids got used to sliced fresh veggies. Crock-pots are your friend.
I reminded myself often that these evening hours are precious, make them count. Don't get tense and start to yell.
They started homework together around the table while I finished the last 10% of dinner prep. We discussed our day together. Lots of positive conversation. They were young enough that I was able to direct the mood. For the most part.
Finished homework after dinner and then baths. Some play time. Bed.
DH helped out with bath for the youngest few and their bedtime.
I had good vacation time. We took great summer vacations. By great I mean family oriented. Yet cheap. We camped at various places within an hour or two or our home. With entertainment nearby. They still talk about our camping trips and we still look at the pictures with fondness.
I volunteered when I could to join their classes on trips. The teachers were always looking for parents and the kids loved that I joined. So a nice bunch of vacation days really helped slightly offset the long days away from the kids.
For Shabbat, I shopped during lunch break on Wednesday or after work, cooked Wed night and Thurs night. When I came home Friday soon before Shabbat, all we had left is showers and setting the table.
Oh, I tried to do laundry evenings after the kids went to sleep even if I was tired. I wanted Sundays to be free for family activities. And catching up on sleep when possible.
I clothing shopped on my lunch break as well. I would overbuy, sometimes the same item in several sizes including shoes and return what did not fit. The larger American stores are great about returns. It was too hard to shop with the kids.
I'll see if I can think of anything else.

salt

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 5:00 am

WindowMagic wrote:

I know some may shoot me but is there ANY way you can cut down hours? Not saying you shouldn't work!! This can affect your bond with your child permanently. 7:30 to 6 does not give you more than an hour or 2 per day with your child at most. I have put creating a secure attachment with my child first even though it means less income. Just think about the long term effects which can be devastating.

You are exaggerating.
My mother worked long hours. Not quite 7:30 to 6, but maybe 9-6.
I am not devastated, nor traumatized, neither long term nor short term.
I love my mother, and have an excellent relationship with her.

amother

Plum

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 7:01 am

While I dont have tips, I must come here with support. I can't believe how many women are saying cut down hours to live more simply.....obviously, these women dont understand that you need tho job to pay basic bills and you are not working or luxuries. I know BC I'm in the Same situation. And I can tell you that I do spend quality time with them in the evenings and it's fine. Dont let others make you feel guilty. Of course, you would love to be a sahm but clearly dont have a choice.

Even sahms who are home with their children send their children to playgroup(school) by 1 and Half or 2 yrs old for socialization...

Yes, you can be a good mom even if you work long hours. Just make the most of the evening time with your baby.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 7:36 am

WindowMagic wrote:

Well, if I would live closer to work, that would be considered a luxury Rolling Eyes

amother

White

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 7:49 am

I thought of one more thing. It was always extremely important to me that my child had a consistent child care provider while I was at work. Not bouncing from one to another, or having a rotation of people. It goes without saying that I selected someone caring, nurturing, patient and kind. People used to ask me if I was worried the baby would think she was his mother. And I never was, my baby always knew who mommy is. But I was so appreciative that my child could form a real attachment to such a wonderful woman.

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:08 am

amother wrote:

I agree. My DS bonded so well with his care taker he would ask me to take him there on Shabbos when he was a toddler.
He went to her from six weeks to six yrs and really cared and loved him as if he were her own. Sadly she moved out of state and he had to say good bye. He is almost 8 and still talks about his memories as a toddler in her home.

heidi

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:39 am

WindowMagic wrote:

Ok, I can't believe I'm going to say this. Because honestly, I truly believe that staying home with baby is best.
But please, give OP a break. She is going to be with her child as much as she is able. And honestly, I know lots of perfectly well adjusted people who were raised by full time working mothers.
OP, my only question is if maybe DH could be with baby a bit more during the day. . . since you said you are the primary earner maybe his schedule is more flexible.
Good luck!!

keym

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:53 am

I have worked ft.
These were my tips:
1) babywearing when you get home. So cooking cleaning can be done while holding and bonding with the baby.
2) safe co sleeping and nursing at night.
3) predictable one babysitter the whole time. Try to avoid piecemeal sitters like separate early morning and late afternoon. Less predictability for baby and less scheduled.
4) try to give baby late nap to keep him up late as long as feasible. He could go to bed at 9 rather than 7 and take a longer nap quite safely until hes 2.
5) when you have a day off try to stay home with your baby.
6) dont feel sad when your baby bonds with the sitter. As long as she respects you as the mom-decision maker its fine that he loves her.

observer

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:02 am

keym wrote:

Excellent tips!