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Dh wants me to go to work
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amother




cornflower


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:35 pm
I am 56 years old. We went through a several very difficult years. Very Sick children and a lot of other problems. Now we have debt. I am very tired and deplated. I have back problems and need to lie down often during the day. I feel fatigue a lot. Idk if it’s physical or kind of ptsd from everything that’s went on. I was always a stay at home mom. When we got married we intended for me to get a degree and go to work. The problem is that dh was never home and I didn’t have money for help or babysitting for the children. I was kind of ok to stay home with the kids. Now dh asks me to go to work. I told him it’s too late. I’m going to make minimum wage in a job I hate. Most of my salary is going to go to household help. I don’t feel well and my youngest is in still in elementary school. My other kids are going to be out of the house as of next year hopefully to yeshiva and seminary and college. Dh can’t expect me to go to work now after he was never home from early in the morning to very late at night building his business and didn’t try to help me get a certificate or degree and get experience through the years. What are your thoughts.
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amother




Lime


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:41 pm
amother wrote:
I am 56 years old. We went through a several very difficult years. Very Sick children and a lot of other problems. Now we have debt. I am very tired and deplated. I have back problems and need to lie down often during the day. I feel fatigue a lot. Idk if it’s physical or kind of ptsd from everything that’s went on. I was always a stay at home mom. When we got married we intended for me to get a degree and go to work. The problem is that dh was never home and I didn’t have money for help or babysitting for the children. I was kind of ok to stay home with the kids. Now dh asks me to go to work. I told him it’s too late. I’m going to make minimum wage in a job I hate. Most of my salary is going to go to household help. I don’t feel well and my youngest is in still in elementary school. My other kids are going to be out of the house as of next year hopefully to yeshiva and seminary and college. Dh can’t expect me to go to work now after he was never home from early in the morning to very late at night building his business and didn’t try to help me get a certificate or degree and get experience through the years. What are your thoughts.


OP, I'm so sorry you're going through that much. You're in a tough situation and there is no easy answer for this. Do you happen to have some sort of hobby, or something that you enjoy doing? Perhaps you can turn it into a money making scheme, and you'd get to do something you enjoy while bringing in a bit of an income. It may also end up lifting your spirits and making life more pleasant for you.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:42 pm
What are the alternatives?
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:44 pm
I totally hear where you’re coming from, and I’m sorry for the hard time you’ve had. My first thought though is that just because you never worked doesn’t really mean it’s your husband’s sole responsibility to now get you out of debt and continue being completely responsible to make ends meet now that your children are older. The hurdle seems to be your health. Maybe you can find a low key job that’s flexible enough to allow for a rest here and there, or work part time? Are any of your health issues fixable in any way?
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amother




Indigo


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:53 pm
It’s not easy to start working after so many years but I know for myself when I’m not working I act more tired/lazy and get less done. When I’m working I get dressed, feel better about myself and get everything done even better! Why don’t you find something that makes you feel good, like others have said and start slowly... like tutoring, working in a store that you enjoy like flowers/clothes etc... maybe you can work for someone who sells on amazon and get to know the business... there’s many things that you can do and work less hours and hopefully find what you like! Good luck!
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amother




Cyan


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:53 pm
It isn’t your dh’s job to have pushed you to get a degree or work sooner. I assume you’ve had multiple conversations over the years discussing how you view your positions in the Home.
That being said, there are many jobs that don’t require much physical excursion, sitting at a desk all day. Also, it’s never too late to start working. I’ve heard of people who went to school for psychology after the kids were out of the house and became a therapist-pretty mild physically.
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krembo









  


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:56 pm
Could you do babysitting from home? 5 kids at $5 an hour isn't bad, and you'd be able to lie down a bit on the couch while you watched them. Or could you work in your husbands business?
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DVOM









  


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 8:58 pm
amother wrote:
I am 56 years old. We went through a several very difficult years. Very Sick children and a lot of other problems. Now we have debt. I am very tired and deplated. I have back problems and need to lie down often during the day. I feel fatigue a lot. Idk if it’s physical or kind of ptsd from everything that’s went on. I was always a stay at home mom. When we got married we intended for me to get a degree and go to work. The problem is that dh was never home and I didn’t have money for help or babysitting for the children. I was kind of ok to stay home with the kids. Now dh asks me to go to work. I told him it’s too late. I’m going to make minimum wage in a job I hate. Most of my salary is going to go to household help. I don’t feel well and my youngest is in still in elementary school. My other kids are going to be out of the house as of next year hopefully to yeshiva and seminary and college. Dh can’t expect me to go to work now after he was never home from early in the morning to very late at night building his business and didn’t try to help me get a certificate or degree and get experience through the years. What are your thoughts.


This is so hard OP. It never feels good to be asked to go out of your comfort zone. Being a stay at home mom may not be what you and your husband invisioned when you first married, but you made your peace with it. At this point you sound totally overwhelmed at the thought of going out to work. It would be a huge change.

Tell me more, OP. I feel like there may be more to this story. In you 56 years, you've never had any sort of job at all? You seem to feel really resentful of your husbands long hours at work. You mentioned it two times. What's that about? Most women I know who are full time stay at home moms have husbands who work long hours, as they are the sole income. It sounds like you expected him to give you more support (moral support? finantial support?) in developing your professional self. How would that have looked?

You asked for our thoughts. I think husband and wife are both responsible for the fiscal health of thier home. But I suspect there is more going on here than just finding a job that you wouldn't hate and that wouldn't tax your health.
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amother




cornflower


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:19 pm
Op here. I also live in a foreign country. Dh promised me if I come to his country I will go to university and he will help me and he has the money to do so. I guess he didn’t take his promises seriously. I’m also very academic and excelled in every area of school so I’m going to be extremely depressed doing manual job or even secretarial.
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amother




Hotpink


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:31 pm
I really feel for you. Sounds like you adapted years ago to a situation you didn't expect and are now being asked to do so again when things may have finally calmed down somewhat. Are there any out of the box solutions to lower your costs if not bring in more income?
Wishing you health and hatzlocha in every way.
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amother




Lemon


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:33 pm
I don't understand. Your DH was never home because he was working or because he was lazy and hanging out? If it's because he was working hard, then I don't understand your resentment. If you had wanted to go to school, you should have done so.

You said you are are in a lot of debt now. Isn't your marriage a partnership? It's both of your responsibilities to get yourself out. Why should this all be on your DHs head? Wouldn't you want to help?

Your health and physical well being is another factor, but it seems to me that you have a tremendous amount of resentment towards your DH and that's the bigger issue.
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amother




Magenta


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:38 pm
Maybe start out very part time in your dh''s business in any menial job. Just to try working out. If you see its manageable you can take it from there.
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amother




cornflower


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:41 pm
amother wrote:
Maybe start out very part time in your dh''s business in any menial job. Just to try working out. If you see its manageable you can take it from there.

Op here
We can’t work to together. Even our rabbi told us and our family members.
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notshanarishona









  


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:47 pm
Why not spend a short time training and find a job you can enjoy? Even a 3_6 month course can give you more options such as different types of technicians, medical billing, sheitals, to name a few. 56 might be too old to start a 4 year degree but definitely not to old to start a small career .
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oliveoil









  


Post  Tue, Jun 19 2018, 10:28 pm
krembo wrote:
Could you do babysitting from home? 5 kids at $5 an hour isn't bad, and you'd be able to lie down a bit on the couch while you watched them. Or could you work in your husbands business?


Are you serious?

Childcare is one of the most exhausting jobs.

And no one should be watching 5 kids alone, and there certainly wouldn't be a moment to lie on the couch (nor would it be responsible to do so).
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amother




cornflower


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:33 am
notshanarishona wrote:
Why not spend a short time training and find a job you can enjoy? Even a 3_6 month course can give you more options such as different types of technicians, medical billing, sheitals, to name a few. 56 might be too old to start a 4 year degree but definitely not to old to start a small career .

Op here.
Just thinking about these jobs making me extremely depressed. I was a star student and For years I was frustrated about not working and getting a career. Now I am just ok to not work because it just didn’t work out and I keep myself busy. Going to learn these jobs is not possible for me. I can’t concentrate and I am very anxious and can’t think about getting invested in a job like that. I might be depressed on top of all that. I can’t sleep part of the night and I am pulling all my strength together to keep my house running all by myself.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:42 am
Can you work for some body else in their small business? Somebody who recognizes your intellect?

What kind of job/career would you have had if you had gone to college?
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essie14









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:45 am
I know someone who went to work in an office at around your age. She didn't love the work, per se, but it was for an organization that did amazing things for sick children. This made her feel very fulfilled and just being a part of that was a huge component in her happiness with the job, even though the actual tasks were a bit boring.
Maybe you can find something like that?
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amother




cornflower


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:52 am
amother wrote:
Can you work for some body else in their small business? Somebody who recognizes your intellect?

What kind of job/career would you have had if you had gone to college?

Op here
I don’t have any skills so intellect won’t get me a job. I wasn’t sure. I thought about psychology but than I was very good in math so I decided to go into math and computer science or become an actuary. Right now I don’t have any patience for all that stuff and I don’t feel bad for not perusing it. I just think I would probably would have a happier life if I would feel stimulated in my younger years and probably would be a better mother especially to my teenage kids. But It all meant to be.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 1:00 am
amother wrote:
Op here
I don’t have any skills so intellect won’t get me a job. I wasn’t sure. I thought about psychology but than I was very good in math so I decided to go into math and computer science or become an actuary. Right now I don’t have any patience for all that stuff and I don’t feel bad for not perusing it. I just think I would probably would have a happier life if I would feel stimulated in my younger years and probably would be a better mother especially to my teenage kids. But It all meant to be.


So many jobs just require a competent person who can get things done.

Sounds like you are more upset about what's past - and not about the possibility of needing to work in the future.

You are right - you probably would hate an entry level job in retail.

Do you have computer skills? Can you prepare a document in microsoft word?

You can be a valued employee without a technical skill. Network a bit.
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