Dh wants me to go to work

krembo

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 3:28 pm

I don't know how to quote, but gosh I'm not sure why people need to attack my post about babysitting. Sad

What else can a lady with no work experience do and make a decent hourly amount? And that way you can set your own hours not have a mean boss and also be able to make supper, fold laundry while watching the kids.

It's pretty common where I live. 3 ladies on my block OP's age do it and they have more than 5 kids at a time. Yes I sent my kids to them too! They're great, so warm. And yes I used to lie on the couch and watch my own kids play, nothing wrong with that. How is that negligent?

Although, based on OP's later posts, it doesn't seem like she's a good fit for babysitting, many ladies do find it a good option.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 3:51 pm

I am 10 yrs younger than you are and only have young kids. I worked for over 20 years but the last few years I’ve been home.

Honestly, if I had to go back to work now I’d also find it overwhelming ... I feel so out of it these days and don’t have a degree. The first thing I would do if we were in debt is to cancel all extras we are paying for now- a little easier than finding a job

1- cleaning help
2 swimming lessons for kids
3- night camp for son
4- music lessons for dc
5- car lease
6- landscaping we already don’t have anymore
7- shop for food where the sales are
8- home phone/ cell phone service (don’t need both)

There.... that would save you a few hundred a month!

Last edited by amother on Wed, Jun 20 2018, 3:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

nechamashifra

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:36 pm

The first thing you should do is change your title from "dh wants me to go to work" to "my dh and I need more income - what kind of job can I get?"
Reframe your mind to take responsibility for your life and you will straight away feel more energized and competent.
Every time you feel like blaming your dh or anyone else for your lack of a degree or for living in a foreign country, remind yourself that you were/are an adult just as much as your dh is. No-one forced you into anything and no-one can force you into anything now. If you don't want to work, don't. Just figure out a way together with your dh as to how you're going to live on a one person budget. Instead of looking for things that aren't going to work (ie your bad back, your feeling tired and overwhelmed, your lack of a degree etc etc), look for a solution. You and your dh together.

nechamashifra

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:41 pm

krembo wrote:

I don't know how to quote, but gosh I'm not sure why people need to attack my post about babysitting. Sad

If you want a job just to pay the bills there's nothing wrong with that but when it comes to jobs like babysitter, teacher, nurse, firefighter etc..if you're going to do it for the money, don't do it at all.

amother

Coral

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:44 pm

krembo wrote:

I don't know how to quote, but gosh I'm not sure why people need to attack my post about babysitting. Sad

It's not negligent to lie on the couch and watch your own kids play, nor is it negligent to prepare dinner while they play in another room. It's absolutely negligent to do the above when you're being paid to care for someone else's children.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:48 pm

I really think you need a professional in your corner. You sound understandably exhausted and depleted after the tough years you had and not only not expecting this now but feel like you simply cannot.
You do sound like you're in a situation where you are using the little energy you have to do the basics.
Please contact a therapist once you feel better she can help you plan a strategy. You deserve better than simply surviving and feeling pressured.
Have you spoken about this with your DH? Does he understand?
Hugs and Hatzlocha

cookiecutter

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 9:06 pm

Lots of people offered good advice in this thread but there is a limit to what anyone can offer given the original post and responses. It's like you posted a dilemma that comes up in chapter 37 of a fifty chapter novel, while only hinting at the background and possible resolutions.

You have a complicated relationship with your husband. You and your husband have a complicated relationship with money. You have a lot on your mind about your self-regard, your natural abilities and the course your life has taken, including your marriage and your unfulfilled professional aspirations. Your question is not about what to do for extra income, or how to react to your husband's opinion. It is a window into a situation that bears thinking about deeply and working through from multiple angles and almost certainly with a therapist.

OP, you are OK. You are worthy. You are entitled to be comfortable with who and where you are, and you don't owe anyone anything in exchange for accepting yourself that way. But based on your posts, it seems likely that you can be much happier, and you will start to feel it as soon as you take some steps toward figuring things out with the help of a therapist.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 10:42 pm

cookiecutter wrote:

Op here
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind post. And thanks everyone else for the great posts.
You are right. It is more than this post. But as for the job issue it is very challenging. I have spoken to a therapist in the past about this issue but due to some issues everything was put on hold. I stopped seeing this therapist due to money issues. I now realize that my depression is just making me think that nothing is possible. I need to figure this out and hopefully will do it after the summer. I have some ideas that might be something that will be ok and won’t make me depressed. I guess I need to figure out something that I like and try to do it. It’s not a good idea just to stay home forever. I need to at least start something soon.

lkwdlady

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 10:47 pm

amother wrote:

That’s good.. sounds like you are putting your right foot forward!
Why are you waiting until after the summer? Are you going away?

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:30 am

Op, it sounds like you feel betrayed. You gave up a lot for this marriage, you moved to a different country, and you were promised things (a professional education) that never materialized.
Those of you saying she was lucky to be a sahm so many years - that was never what she wanted.

Possibly you should have been more assertive over the years, insisting on your education, maybe putting children on hold until you got your degree.

It is never a good idea to be too passive and allow things to just happen. Especially if they arent happening as you want.

Now is the time to change. 56 is not old at all (I am almost there). You have to look around and make the best of your situation. What do you want to be doing in 5 or 10 years?

Also, things dont seem 100% peachy with your dh. I know it's not so pc to say it maybe, but you should make yourself an independent woman, so that if one day things dont work out, you can stand on your own two feet. And if you live together till 120, you will be doing it out of choice and strength, and not because you are dependent.

It is easy to get sucked into being resentful at your dh. For one reason or another he did not keep his promise. Maybe he couldnt, maybe he didnt realize the importance to you.

Now is the time to move beyond that and forge your own future. What would you really want? To move back to your home country? To get a BA? To work as...what? Brainstorm, think big. This is bigger than covering your debt. This is about making choices that forge your life.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 7:08 am

amother wrote:

I think you should look for a part time office job. Maybe brush up your computer skills, especially in spreadsheets, since you say you like maths. Perhaps you can find some type of bookkeeping job.

I get what you are saying about your husband not encouraging you. My husband is somewhat similar...But I honestly think you may be happier working. I say part time because you say you have low energy.

Im a bit younger. I was a SAHM for over 10 years. My youngest started school and I was bored. I will admit I was depressed as well. I didn't have cleaning help or music lessons (like another post suggested to cancel). As kids get older they get more expensive.

It took me 2 years of sort of looking and one month of really looking. We needed to make a big purchase and DH refused to take out money from savings. I found a part time job. 10-2. My life is hectic, my house is a mess ( no cleaning help) my kids eat simple dinners at times, but I am sane.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 8:09 am

Ruchel wrote:

She's sick AND it's her husband who wants that she works. Ketuba wise, morality wise, this sits badly with me. I am of a mind that one cannot do EVERYTHING. When men take on pregnancies etc, then women will have to take on work and all. What about a shaila?

This doesn't apply if the family is starving.

I would agree with this if she had many little kids at home all day and her husband wanted her to work as well. But she’s 56 and her youngest can be moderately self sufficient.

Simple1

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 8:49 am

Rachel Shira wrote:

I would agree with this if she had many little kids at home all day and her husband wanted her to work as well. But she’s 56 and her youngest can be moderately self sufficient.

And that's another thing no one acknowledged here. It is very hard to get back into the workforce at that age, after years of being home raising the kids .

If someone is motivated and in good shape, I assume she can be successful But OP is saying that she's not at that point.

Why does everyone assume that someone who is feeling lethargic is going to easily pass a job interview?

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 9:32 am

it can feel like you were struggling through the waves of a choppy sea and now have been deposited upon a shore at best or calmer waters you gotta look around and take your time if possible and decide which is the best direction in which to explore
perhaps take a class and see if you enjoy it
you can start small and go from there
IYH Hashem Will Lead you on a happy path
you don't necessarily have to jump right into to another pool calm water or not
hugs and hatzlocha

Rachel Shira

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 10:23 am

Simple1 wrote:

I’m not assuming anything, I just think she owes it to her husband and herself to put in some effort. No, it probably won’t be easy. OP is making many assumptions, though, including that whatever salary she gets won’t be worth it, that she’s going to hate working, etc. She can’t know facts about these things unless she takes the steps to see what it’s actually like.