Home

Kiddush for baby girl - but we cant afford it
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Report offensive ad

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


monseymom25









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:23 am
Quote:
But they way I see it, you have 3 options:

1. make a Kiddush much much below this standard, either at shul or at home (risk being spoken about/ looked down upon)
2. fork out that amount of money (risk having even less money that you do now)
3. don't make a Kiddush (risk spiritual future wellbeing of DD)

If you're asking what I'd do, I'd go for number 1.

MAZAL TOV!!!


This seems like the most practical suggestion. Were you living in your city before you became BT? Then you were automatically part of a community above your means? That sounds really tough.
Back to top

animeme









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:29 am
Can you identify a few families with whom you are close? Pick a Shabbos and invite them over and have a few cakes and some fruit and l'chaims. Let them offer to bring things, and/or buy at the store. Feel free to explain, if it is necessary, that you are doing something small because that's what works for you with this new baby- not up to the balagan. Will you have the standard big one? Would be nice at some point, but it's hard to see past the new baby right now. Of course, if you're happy to explain that it's about money, gezunteheit.
Back to top

amother




Pearl


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:31 am
Mazal Tov OP. I'm expecting my first girl after many years. And I'm not planning on spending more than $100 on the Kiddush. I won't be inviting family and I won't be going to it myself. It will be a small Kiddush after davening.
Perhaps when your daughter is older sponsor a Kiddush in her name in a city you could afford. It could even be when she is a teenager.
Or like someone mentioned , your DH should give out lekach and liquor after davening during the week when they Lein and your daughter can be named then.
Or one of these ashirim can sponsor one for you if money flows so freely amongst them.
Back to top

Raisin









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:33 am
Can you make something during the week, invitation only? Perhaps a sunday morning brunch or afternoon tea. Hire a small hall and catered food, (or use a restaurant). invite only your personal friends and work colleagues. Cakes, sandwiches, and so on.

You don't have to do it this week, do it in a few weeks.

I think doing it at home on shabbos is also a good option. Who cares if some people don't eat? But if you buy cakes from a bakery and use paper plates kashrus shouldn't be an issue.

Mazel tov!!!
Back to top

amother




Amber


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:33 am
salt wrote:
I know this isn't so helpful, but had you had a boy, you'd have had to make a brit. That, I assume, would also have to have been up to a certain standard.
So did you think about this beforehand?
The advantage of a girl over a boy is that you have more time to think about it. But maybe in your case that's worse, because instead of losing sleep over it for 8 days, it can drag on... Smile

ok, sorry, that comment isn't going to help you.

Do you have a rav you can ask questions to? This isn't really a halachic question, because it's not halacha that you have to make a Kiddush after a daughter is born. Just some rabbinical authority that you can consult with.
You should probably bench hagomel, not even sure if you have to halachically have a minyan of men - you can probably say it alone if you have to.
The idea of making a Kiddush is to give thanks to Hashem.
Perhaps you could give money to tzedaka in the zechut of your daughter.
That's why I say ask a rav, if you're not sure if that 'counts'.
good luck.


The funny thing is that here most brisses are modest affairs. It is mainly men who attend and it is after Shachris when everybody anyway has to run to work. So it is mainly herring, eierkichel, cholent, kigel, sometimes shnitzel.
Just the Shabbos kiddushes are so much out of hand. It is mainly the womens section that has the standard of 5 cakes as centerpiece, different little desserts in plastic cups, cakepops, juice bar, chocolates, cookies with names on them and a salad bar with lox and all.. and servers and fancy decoration.
The men are easy to please. Sad it is the women who want it fancy
Everything taking place on Shabbos here (Aufruf, Engagement kiddush, girl kiddush, bar mitzva kiddush) is HUGE...
Back to top

Mayflower









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:36 am
Mazal tov!

Would it be an option to make the kiddush only for the men? Where I live at least, things get expensive mainly because of the women's section (elaborate decoration, flowers, balloons, extravagant cakes etc.) whereas by the men it's basically just plain cakes, maybe kugel, and some liquor...

We made the kiddush only for the men, not just because of cost but also because I wasn't going to attend (still in hospital) and I didn't have frum female relatives (mother / MIL) who'd be there either. Since you say you're BT, maybe this would work for you as well?
Back to top

watergirl









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:37 am
amother wrote:
Nothing is "off"... why am I am accused of being a troll?

We are NOT in America. We live in an European community that has 15 shuls in town, all more or less equally fancy (at least of it comes to kiddushes, there is a real "kiddush culture" here .. kiddushes are announced and basically the whole frum chevre goes from one to the next, so limiting it to one shul will still get you 250-300 people attending and "fressing").

But, as most European places are, it is very centralized. Hence no other frum place within 5 hours.

It is a "heimish" community with several rich families who set the tone for pretty much everything. The rabbonim do not want or cannot limit it. And the pressure is on everybody, you are considered a "nebbach" if you cant. Everybody tries to keep up. Recently we had a 15.000 dollar engagement lechaim in town from a family who clearly broke their bank with it.

Hope that sets the picture clear.


The confusion came because you literaly said in your first post “The next substantially frum shul is 5 hours drive away (we are NOT in NYC), so going away for it is no option, either.”
So it looked like it was only 1 shul.

Please make the type of simcha that you can afford comfortably. Yentas gonna yent no matter what.
Back to top

amother




Amber


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:37 am
Ah, our girl was named already in shul on a weekday and said amen to my hubbys borchu, in place of gomel. Smile

So what spiritual ramifications can it have if there is no Kiddush? But yes, we live in a Hasidic community (we are not) and the rabbonim hold that if you do not make a kiddush, your daughter will not find a shidduch or sth...
Back to top

animeme









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:38 am
amother wrote:
The funny thing is that here most brisses are modest affairs. It is mainly men who attend and it is after Shachris when everybody anyway has to run to work. So it is mainly herring, eierkichel, cholent, kigel, sometimes shnitzel.
Just the Shabbos kiddushes are so much out of hand. It is mainly the womens section that has the standard of 5 cakes as centerpiece, different little desserts in plastic cups, cakepops, juice bar, chocolates, cookies with names on them and a salad bar with lox and all.. and servers and fancy decoration.
The men are easy to please. Sad it is the women who want it fancy
Everything taking place on Shabbos here (Aufruf, Engagement kiddush, girl kiddush, bar mitzva kiddush) is HUGE...


Got it. What happens whe the bris is on Shabbos?

Based on what you write, I agree that I wouldn't go smaller than usual in shul itself. By keeping it at home, you open up many possibilities about why you kept it at home, and once you've done that, of course it is smaller.
Back to top

amother




Amber


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:40 am
Mayflower wrote:
Mazal tov!

Would it be an option to make the kiddush only for the men? Where I live at least, things get expensive mainly because of the women's section (elaborate decoration, flowers, balloons, extravagant cakes etc.) whereas by the men it's basically just plain cakes, maybe kugel, and some liquor...

We made the kiddush only for the men, not just because of cost but also because I wasn't going to attend (still in hospital) and I didn't have frum female relatives (mother / MIL) who'd be there either. Since you say you're BT, maybe this would work for you as well?


Do we live in the same place? Lol. It is the womens side that drives the cost up. Men are happy with cake, kigel and cholent and a few bottles of whiskey.. I thought about that and actually some families have started doing that, but I gave birth to a girl and why should only the men attend? But yeah, maybe it is wiser to do that
Back to top

watergirl









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:43 am
amother wrote:
Ah, our girl was named already in shul on a weekday and said amen to my hubbys borchu, in place of gomel. Smile

So what spiritual ramifications can it have if there is no Kiddush? But yes, we live in a Hasidic community (we are not) and the rabbonim hold that if you do not make a kiddush, your daughter will not find a shidduch or sth...

Its fear mongering.

The rabbomin cant “hold” that your daughter wont find her shidduch! Its not up to them! Why do people give these rebbes such power?

Yes, I’ve heard the stories about the girls who didnt get married and they asked the holy rav for eitza and he asked about a kiddish and alas... no one offered brachas of mazel at a newborn’s kiddish, so the poor 20 year old needed a kiddish asap so people can have a slice of cake and wish mazel tov, thereby changing the girl’s mazel...

My daughter never had a kiddush. We LITERALLY lived in a town where the next frum shul was 3 hours away. She had a baby naming at shul with a minyan (10 men) and some bagels and oj. I wasnt there. Baby wasnt there. People wished mazel. The end. Is she doomed?

And MAZEL TOV!!


Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:53 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top

Raisin









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:45 am
amother wrote:
Do we live in the same place? Lol. It is the womens side that drives the cost up. Men are happy with cake, kigel and cholent and a few bottles of whiskey.. I thought about that and actually some families have started doing that, but I gave birth to a girl and why should only the men attend? But yeah, maybe it is wiser to do that


How do you make a kiddush only for men?

what about making a mens kiddush in shul and women's kiddush at home. For your like minded friends who don't care about cake pops and custom made cookies..

Maybe you can help start a new standard.
Back to top

amother




Pearl


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:48 am
Mayflower wrote:
Mazal tov!

Would it be an option to make the kiddush only for the men? Where I live at least, things get expensive mainly because of the women's section (elaborate decoration, flowers, balloons, extravagant cakes etc.) whereas by the men it's basically just plain cakes, maybe kugel, and some liquor...

We made the kiddush only for the men, not just because of cost but also because I wasn't going to attend (still in hospital) and I didn't have frum female relatives (mother / MIL) who'd be there either. Since you say you're BT, maybe this would work for you as well?

This is what I plan on doing. Women can have from the cake etc that the men have but I'm not going to be there and neither are my friends or family so I am not doing anything for the women.
Back to top

heidi









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:26 am
OP, mazal tov!
I'm not understanding your stress.
Make the kind of simcha you can afford.
Invite 5 couples to your little apartment.
Make cookies, a fruit platter and some shnaps.
Tada, kiddush.
I also heard that a girl needs a kiddush or she won't get married.
And we're the furthest from chassidish that you can be.
Back to top

amother




Peach


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:43 am
heidi wrote:
OP, mazal tov!
I'm not understanding your stress.
Make the kind of simcha you can afford.
Invite 5 couples to your little apartment.
Make cookies, a fruit platter and some shnaps.
Tada, kiddush.
I also heard that a girl needs a kiddush or she won't get married.
And we're the furthest from chassidish that you can be.


It's definitely gives bracha to have a kiddish, no doubt about it.
However, my parents only made a kiddush for the two youngest in our family, and three of us who didn't have a kiddush are all married. One isn't married because of mental illness though I'm not going to blame that on not having a kiddush...
Back to top

grace413









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:44 am
Mazel Tov on your new baby.

Neither my sister or I had a kiddush made for us. She got married at 19, I got married at 37.

Don't let people make you crazy when you should be enjoying your baby.

Hakol B'Ydei Shamayim and Hashem is not going to withhold a shidduch from your DD because there was no kiddush.

If you can, invite a few friends to your apartment for cookies and a drink.
Back to top

Mayflower









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:48 am
amother wrote:
Do we live in the same place? Lol.


Could very well be Cool

Raisin wrote:
How do you make a kiddush only for men?

what about making a mens kiddush in shul and women's kiddush at home. For your like minded friends who don't care about cake pops and custom made cookies..


What do you mean? It's quite common here... Often the mother of the baby doesn't attend, so if there are no grandmothers, there isn't really anyone on the women's side to say mazal tov to. And even if there is family, in some shuls (mainly the more chassidishe shuls) it's not unusual to only make by the men.

I like the idea of inviting some close friends to your home as well, so you won't feel left out of the simcha.
Back to top

amother




Ruby


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:55 am
We asked a shaila and were told that the point is to have a celebration to thank Hashem for this child. A kiddush, in or out of shul, is not the only way to do that. Wait until the time is right for you, and then make a BBQ in a nice public park. Either invite your family, if they're local (they don't need to be frum!) or invite a couple of friends. Let them know it's in honor of your dd. Buy pretty paper goods in whatever equivalent of a dollar store you have, and it will be a beautiful simcha.
Back to top

newmother









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 9:49 am
Can you skip the whole cakes and pastries part of the Kiddush, which is probably a bulk of the expense and set up either a salad bar ( create your own salads... Lettuce, toppings, dressings..) or a candy bar (dollar store glass vases and bowls with candy). It will be cheaper, can be self catered since you are not baking so no kashrus problems and so different that people can't compare it to other simchas that shabbos.
Back to top

dancingqueen









  


Post  Wed, Jun 20 2018, 10:05 am
Mazal tov op! Why is sharing a kiddush not an option? Did any of your friends or acquaintances have baby girls this year?

Leaving the women out is an odd choice to me for a baby girl kiddush.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 2 of 5 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
High School for BT girl
by amother
0 Today at 10:07 pm View last post
Baby gift for #5?
by madys
13 Today at 8:30 pm View last post
Latest Baby Monitors 1 Today at 1:00 pm View last post
by bsy
picking a girl's name
by amother
14 Today at 11:09 am View last post
Seeking BY girl to room with in EY winter break
by syrima
1 Today at 10:35 am View last post

Jump to:  



Report offensive ad