Dh blames me for dd's low mark

cinnamon

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 12:58 pm

DD11 got a bad grade on a very important math test and dh blames me.

She hates taking her meds, we usually don't make her take them but on the day of the test we agreed that she would.
DH gave her a pill and asked me to make sure she takes it. I don't remember what distracted me but I looked away and when I looked back the pill was gone and she told me she took it.
I asked her if she was sure she took it because it ususally takes her several tries before she manages to swallow it. She promised me she did.

Dh came back in to the kitchen and asked me if I saw her take it. I told him that I didn't but she promises that she did and I belive her. We asked her again if she's sure she took the pill and she told us again the she did and I told dh that I belive her and so should he.

Now that she got the test back and the mark was so low we asked her again if she took the pill and she admitted that she didn't.

Dh is really mad at me that I wasn't more on top of making sure she takes the pill. This test determines her math level for next year and now she'll get in to a lower one he's angry that my carelessness affected her so negatevly.

Is he right to be so mad? To blame me like this?

InnerMe

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:18 pm

seeker wrote:

Doesn't sound like the kind of situation where right or wrong is going to be helpful...

If she has diagnosed ADHD and is on medication then she should qualify for certain school accommodations and I bet you could have her put into a more appropriate level class based on some other measure.

This.
Plus wouldn't it be easier if she knew she needed to take it every day no matter what?
This way it doesn't become a struggle, and in addition if the meds help her stabilize, why not give her the stability and focus every day?

crust

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:38 pm

cinnamon wrote:

He cant blame you but this whole situation can be avoided with some cooperative work of everyone involved.

But before you work together, there is a train of thought here that I cant find the logic in;
If she is not taking the pill on days that she is learning the stuff, how can she be expected to all of a sudden know the stuff on the day of the test?

cinnamon

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:39 pm

InnerMe wrote:

We are working on finding the right meds. Untill we do (between the two week trial we give each med and the month or more between doctor visits) We don't make her take it every day. Her doctor is okay with that and so are we.

I guess I should have put this in shalom bayit. What really bothers me here id Dh's reaction.

crust

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:42 pm

cinnamon wrote:

I would say that if you are at the doctor's office anyway, you should bring this situation up with the doctor and try to bring everyone on one page.

Adjusting a child's meds is hard enough, you dont need this blaming going on between you.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:46 pm

crust- just to address your side point- some/many kids with ADHD are very bright. They can learn the material pretty quickly so even if they aren't focused the whole time they might still know the material. When you take a test you have to stay focused, if you get distracted you probably won't have time to answer all the answers correctly.

don't know about op's daughter in specific but I don't think it's so crazy that they would specifically want her to have help focusing when taking the test.

InnerMe

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:47 pm

cinnamon wrote:

Ok, hear ya. Let's sort this out.

let's assume she would've done really well with the pill. Do you blame yourself for not watching her?

Or do you think that you are human and you looked away for a second, and you decided to trust her on it, instead of going the "you're lying" route?

Can you forgive yourself for being human? Once you do that, you can accept that dh is upset, but you can feel ok, knowing that it's ok and normal and it happens.

As a side note, I'm wondering how this impacts your daughter. What does she think about doing badly on her test? Is she upset? Maybe she feels that mom & dad are holding this burden, and she has the freedom not to take responsibility.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:52 pm

seeker- you said that so much more succinctly Smile

also op- I would want to address the lying aspect with my daughter. I try to explain to my kids who granted are younger, how important it is for them to tell us the truth even if it's not what we want to hear because that's the only way we can help her and how critical it is to the relationship for us to be able to trust her.

I would also want to know why she so desperately didn't want to take the meds that she was willing to lie to us about it. What are her thoughts about the meds in general, did she not realize that you would figure it out afterwards?

I think there's a lot going on here.
Major hugs- ADHD medications are really not simple Sad

in terms of your husband- no he shouldn't be so angry with you unless your daughter has a history of not telling the truth. It sounds like your husband is just really frustrated and it's hard to see his daughter failing when he feels that the medication would have prevented it and he's taking it on you. Not right but if you realize it's coming from a place of pain and not blame maybe it'll be a little easier to handle?

seeker

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:52 pm

InnerMe wrote:

This. At 11 years old, you can't "make sure" she takes a pill, you can only work with her to motivate her to cooperate if she understands the benefit and is interested in the outcome. 11 is a big kid, you can't force it down her throat. You gave it to her, she said she took it, could be the dishonesty is related to the trademark ADHD impulsivity but in any case this needs to be addressed from an angle of securing the DD's cooperation rather than the parents hashing out who's responsible.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 2:20 pm

If your school is cooperative and cares about your input, you could suggest going into the math class you feel is best on a trial basis. I did that with my child, and it worked out well. Unfortunately, many yeshivas have tunnel vision. Even if she's in the lower math class, it's not the end of the world. I totally get how you feel. You and your husband need to support one another. It's tough enough raising a child with ADD without being blamed. You should explain this to him, and how hurt you feel. Things do get better. You're doing the best you can. Although, I think you should be more consistent with medication. Also, depending on time of day math class is, her morning dose may not last long enough.
Some children need a top-off dose mid-day to make it through the entire very long Yeshiva day. Sending you hugs.

cinnamon

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 2:29 pm

seeker wrote:

Yes, I know. We spent so much time talking to her about the benifits of taking the pill and discussing how we know the side affects make her uncomfortable but they pass after a day. I even let her come home from school right after the test so she can relax untill the side affects pass.
She agreed to take the pill. She says she really wanted to but on the spot she just didn't.

Impolsivity and not connecting your actions to the consequence... ADHD at it's finest.

She feels awful for lying which just makes me feel worst. If I kept closer attention I could have prevented this whole thing.

mandksima

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 3:07 pm

I believe it is the kid's responsibility, especially at that age. You buy/bring home the meds, she takes them. No one should have to keep guard. If she wants to do well and feels the meds will help, she should take them. If she doesn't, she may not do well and has the consequence of being in the lower class. Or she can find a way to do well without them. We HAVE to give our kids responsibilities and repercussions for them to become mature adults. You KNOW she can do it if she really wanted to, ADHD or not. It has to be HER priority, not yours.

Dh shouldn't blame you, of course. It shouldn't be your job at all. Do you check on her to shower the way she should, eat all of her lunch or whatever else? ADHD is not an excuse. She CAN do whatever she decides to. See if you can let go some of the effort you are doing to help her succeed and let her be in charge of it. Show her you trust her to do what needs to be done.

I have very challenging children who have made full circles with this change of my behavior towards them. Forcing them to take meds with side effects in order to do well is very tricky. It could be they would rather not have that pressure and feel better and more like themselves. Who says she has to be in the higher math group? She can find a way to excel if she wants to. It is her math class, not yours or dh's. My kids were on meds for years with terrible side effects. In the end, it was them who decided to do well without them. They decided they wanted to learn and pay attention. They always had it in them to do well. Meds don't make kids learn. They can be an aid but they are not what gives motivation and self assuredness that they can do anything they put their mind to. How does she feel about her own abilities? You may need to build up her self confidence but giving her a lot of trust and give it time.

BTW, my dd went from being quite terrible in math to switching schools and atmosphere and suddenly being on the top of her class. I couldn't believe it. I honestly thought she was terrible in math. The only difference was how she felt about herself and her confidence. I stay out of her homework and studying too. She can ask the teacher or aids in school for extra help or gets friends to help her. We have a math teacher neighbor that can also help. When its her responsibility, she puts in all of the effort necessary.

I'm sorry if this totally off from what you were expecting to hear but it was worth sharing what worked for me. DD is 17 now and I'm very proud of her and she knows I trust her to try her best. That has made all of the difference. She is nothing like the 11 yr old she used to be.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 3:13 pm

It sounds like you have a chain of micromanaging going on - your husband tells you to do something and then you’re supposed to tell your daughter to do it, but your husband doesn’t need to be directing you and neither of you need to be directing your daughter to that extent. If your husband wants your daughter to do something, he can take it up directly with her so there’s no opportunity for you to fail him. And your daughter should be learning to take responsibility for her own medication and her own test results so she can feel proud of herself, and not like she’s failing you or needs to lie about anything.