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Hosting after having a baby
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:22 am
Iyh we are expecting our first a few days before succos this year. Although we do not know when the arrival will come, it is such hard timing! Basically bc of how yantef falls out, if there is a bris on shabbos or yantef during succos, we are going to be hosting our family for 4 or 5 days including shabbos and yantef. This is causing me so much anxiety for a few reasons:

1- we live out of town which means we will legit be hosting,having ppl sleep in our house, having 8 meals with at least 15 ppl at them . is it rude to expect ppl to help with setting the table, serving, etc. I wish I could say my dh is superman and will manage to do it all but hosting type thibgs are stressful for him and betweeb setting up the house, taking care of me and the baby, errands, airport runs to pick up family, I think it will be too much for him to get done . he's much more ok with asking family for help but I'm not sure its ok to do.
.2) financially these meals are going to add up, in addition to making a bris, setting up a nursery etc. Is it rude to ask parents to contribute towards meals and take charge of arranging them with a caterer in town to take some of the stress off of us? I know it sounds entitled and no one but us chose to have a baby? But I really really didn't anticipate this timing.

3) since I will be post partum, if I don't feel up to it physically or emotionally, is it rude to not stay at all the meals for the whole time?

I really am a nice person who loves hosting!!! This is just way too much.
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imamom7




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:27 am
Is this your first?
No one is going to expect you to do everything!!
Speak to your mother and ask her if she and everyone else are planning to come for the whole Yom tov
Discuss with her where ppl should stay- ideally no one but your parents should stay by you
And what should be done about meals
But I really don’t think anyone expects you to host and Clean and cleat after your first!!
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jj1236




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:28 am
Personally I think what you’re asking for is definitely not asking too much. The fact that you’re hosting at all after having a baby is more than most people would ever do. If your parents are nice reasonable people I don’t see why they wouldn’t understand you requests!
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:30 am
Please do not host anyone & surely do not cook 8 meals! Your family wil hopefully understand that you're post birth & not supposed to do anything. Maybe start now trying to find accommodations for them & have them take care of their own meals.
Maybe have only ur parents move into your home & ur mom should cook the meals for you.
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silbergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:33 am
A newborn baby is super stressful and you should be the one that is hosted and pampered, not your family.

Could you just host your parents or another immediate core family that actually would also help you with the baby and in making yom tov? No need to invite and host extended family for a bris. If they want to come, they can stay in a motel nearby and attend the bris but cannot stay for Succos. You will be a postpartum new mom and noone can demand you to host and feed them.

Bshaa tova
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:33 am
Thabks for all replies- its Op.here. :-)

I should have mentioned- my mom has significant physical nd psychological issues and can't help practically, which is why whatever I don't cook beforehand will need to be bought.

Also I can't tell them to figure out their own meals as we live half way across the country from them.

And yes it is our first Iyh!!!

Keep thee ideas coming!!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:36 am
Talk to your mother and/or mother-in-law about what is concerning you. Now. Your anxiety is only going to build otherwise.

You havn't yet suggested that they are unreasonable people. Reasonable people don't expect first time parents to be superheros.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:06 am
Are you sure you are having a boy?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:12 am
OP, I don't think you should be doing any of the work. Do you have any friends where you live who will able to set up, cook etc and host your family members? Added stress like you are describing can result in PPD.
My sister lived across the country when she had her first. It was a girl. She made a Kiddush and hosted one Friday night meal when the baby was five weeks old and all of the family stayed by nearby hotels (which the guests paid for) and she still found it exhausting and overwhelming and did not attempt to do that again when she had her second.
After a baby, it should be all about YOU and the BABY. You should not have to worry about your parents and extended family.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:13 am
A friend recently gave birth. Immediate family flew in for the simcha from across the country. They stayed in their own place as the new mom didn’t have room in her one bedroom apartment. When they arrived, they expected the new mother to cook and clean up after them. The parents used it as a vacation and left the new mother to watch the siblings. By the time the family left, the new mother was wiped. It put a lot of work on her that was unnecessary.


OP, Please put boundaries in place before they come. Be clear and up front with the rules.
Include: kids must be out of the house daily (unless raining) to give you quiet time (they can visit parks and museums)
You will not be cooking - they need to arrange their own food. There’s local stores they can shop at and prepare their own food
They need to clean up after themselves (food related and toys too)
It is YOUR baby and you decide when/if someone can help with your new baby.

If they can’t agree to these basic rules then you need to decide if it’s more important they’re at your simcha, or if you’d rather tell them not to come and be able to take it easy and recuperate like a new mother should.
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MommyM




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:52 am
It is not rude to expect people to help you postpartum. You should also come and go to the meals as you please. You shouldn't be pressured by anything so soon after having a baby.
In addition, you mentioned that it was you who chose to have the baby, but they are the ones choosing to come stay by you. It may be a bit uncomfortable asking for financial help, and it all depends on your relationship. Asking does not mean you are feeling entitled, especially had you not had the baby, they would have been making their own meals.

Relax and b'sha'ah tovah!
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:08 am
Good ideas. Make plans now as though you would be unavailable to do anything. Literally. You really don't know you could be at the hospital and not even there! And G-d Willing you will feel like superwoman you and DH after but it doesn't matter. Plan as if you will be able to do nothing. They will need to figure out how to deal with accommodations, and food and everything. Right now you have time to realize and accept that the only thing you and DH are going to be focused on is yourselves and your new baby b'shah tovah!
This is not being inhospitable it is being smart and kind and aware to your new priorities which is baby and earning to set the new boundaries necessary.
You do not have to be at meals.
All you have to do is take care of your new baby and yourself. And thats a lot especially the first time.
You can be warm and tell them you are so happy they want to join you at your simcha but your doctor told you to make this plan ask your doctor and he or she will do so.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:08 am
amother wrote:
Iyh we are expecting our first a few days before succos this year. Although we do not know when the arrival will come, it is such hard timing! Basically bc of how yantef falls out, if there is a bris on shabbos or yantef during succos, we are going to be hosting our family for 4 or 5 days including shabbos and yantef. This is causing me so much anxiety for a few reasons:

1- we live out of town which means we will legit be hosting,having ppl sleep in our house, having 8 meals with at least 15 ppl at them . is it rude to expect ppl to help with setting the table, serving, etc. I wish I could say my dh is superman and will manage to do it all but hosting type thibgs are stressful for him and betweeb setting up the house, taking care of me and the baby, errands, airport runs to pick up family, I think it will be too much for him to get done . he's much more ok with asking family for help but I'm not sure its ok to do.
.2) financially these meals are going to add up, in addition to making a bris, setting up a nursery etc. Is it rude to ask parents to contribute towards meals and take charge of arranging them with a caterer in town to take some of the stress off of us? I know it sounds entitled and no one but us chose to have a baby? But I really really didn't anticipate this timing.

3) since I will be post partum, if I don't feel up to it physically or emotionally, is it rude to not stay at all the meals for the whole time?

I really am a nice person who loves hosting!!! This is just way too much.


1. They don't all have to come. I know it's exciting a big simcha, especially if it's your first. But plenty of people miss a Shabbos or Yom Tov bris, that's just how it works in life. If you don't have places to put them up, then they just can't come. They definitely shouldn't all stay in your place.

If they do come, they had better do all the setting up, serving and cleaning. It would be very rude of them not to. You will be within a week of having a baby, there's no way you will have the strength for all of that, and your husband should not have to do it all on his own. Even though you're the one who actually gave birth to the baby, most first time fathers are also pretty exhausted. Between being with you through labor and delivery, running back and forth to the hospital to be with you, then all the preparations he will need to take care of between Yom Tov and the bris, it's draining.

2. It's hard to say, it really depends on how your parents are in regards to money and what your relationship is with them. Ideally they will offer, but not knowing your parents and in-laws we have no way of knowing.

3. Forget about rude, it's pretty unlikely that you will feel up to sitting at the meal the whole time. And if you're exclusively nursing and don't feel comfortable nursing at the table, then you will probably spend large chunks of each meal nursing your baby.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:10 am
Your DH is going to be very busy adjusting and helping you and baby IYH. Neither of you are going to be getting much sleep and people need to think what they can do to help you cooking, laundry, sleep, and if they cannot then at best how to take anything extra like their own needs off of you. If they cannot you must. Do it now.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:16 am
You sound like an amazing person! Smart kind independent responsible and thoughtful.
No none of your very smart valid concerns sounds "entitled".
It is fine to ask for help. And this sounds like the perfect time to do so!
Best to you and your DH and bshaah tovaah!
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:26 am
B’shaah tovah! Is there any way you can go to your inlaws and have them host the whole shebang? Travel within a week of birth is hard but not nearly as hard as doing what you propose. Obviously it should be dh who asks his parents.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:31 am
OP here- I wish that would be a good idea. For a few diff reasons, some practical and some because of family dynamics, it would not be a good idea. Boundaries would be hard to enforce, and they are also a 12+ hour drive away from us, which I just do not think will be comfortable. Also I know myself and will want my bed, my sheets, etc and not to be a guest in someone else's house.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:47 am
Then fly, and ask your parents to pay for it if you can’t afford the fare and if you can’t find people in the community to host your relatives. Or invite just your two sets of parents and tell everyone else you’re sorry but you just can’t accommodate them, if they can arrange their own accommodations then great but you can’t. If they get offended, so be it. Or resign yourself to having a small bris with no mishpacha there. It’s sad but not the end of the world. The way you describe things, having your families there will cause more aggravation and difficulties than happiness.

Unless of course you have “good” mishpacha who can be relied on to sort of host themselves, and among all of them bring or order food for all of YT, set up, serve, clean up, make their own beds with their own linens and keep their various and sundry children quiet and out of your room and the baby’s room. A tall order.

Or if money is not an object, hire a caterer and have meals in the shul.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:58 am
Op, have you read anything about the postpartum period?

I have five children, please let me explain what the postpartum period is like:

Physically, you will have been put through the ringer. You will have endured the difficult experience of labor and pushing out a baby, which will likely be the most physically traumatizing thing you will have ever experienced. Iy"H you will avoid a c-section (although you never know), which is a major stomach surgery. If you deliver vagin*lly, you will likely have been cut or torn a bit, and you will feel extremely sore and in pain in that area, making normal functions like sitting down and using the bathroom uncomfortable. Your whole pelvis and all your pelvic floor muscles will feel sore, heavy, and the downward pressure may even make walking exhausting for the first week or more. Your pregnancy hormones and adrenaline from the birth will begin to drop drastically on day 2 postpartum, and continue to drop over the next six weeks as your hormone levels taper off to nonpregnant levels, leaving you emotionally depleted and raw, and vulnerable to depression if you are not feeling very supported. Your breasts will fill with milk on day three, causing painful engorgement that takes a while to regulate as your baby gets a feeding routine established, and your milk supply evens out. This may make wearing a bra too painful for a few days, which makes getting dressed and leaving your room a little uncomfortable. Your newborn will nurse for long stretches, sometimes like forty five minutes until drifting off to sleep, only to wake a short while later crying for another lengthy feeding, and most newborns do not sleep for even ten minutes if they are put down, so you will likely be feeding and holding your newborn pretty much exclusively for the first few weeks. You will have no difference between night and day, as your body desperately begs for sleep so it can heal from birth, your newborn will ensure that you do not sleep very much at all the first few weeks. (Eventually your baby will sleep four hour stretches, but this will not happen until six weeks to two months post birth.). For the first few weeks, things like getting dressed, taking a shower, eating lunch can seem like milestones, as you try to balance the needs of a newborn with your own physical needs (forget things like laundry, cleaning, or cooking supper!)

Op, I am not writing this to scare you, but with great compassion - even if you want to be a wonderful hostess/daughter/dil - do you really think a postpartum woman CAN host a bunch of people, make meals for them, etc? Do you think it's possible for a postpartum woman to balance her physical recovery, a newborn, and a house full of guests?

Anyone that would expect that of a postpartum woman is cruel.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:59 am
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