Being Menachem avel via text message

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mustard

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 7:58 pm

Is it appropriate?

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:01 pm

Horrible. At least call unless you are too sick.

amother

Oak

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:01 pm

No. Make a phone call.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:01 pm

It depends. When I was sitting shiva, I asked someone to post my contact info on a community board since I was sitting oot. I knew that at least some of the time I would be in a house with lousy reception which would mean having to go out of the house and down the block to take a call. I rarely answered the phone. I really appreciated the texts.

ETA: I missed the posts after the OP. I'm a daas yachid I guess. I ignored my phone during parts of shiva, even when I had good reception, especially when certain people were in the room, there was no way I would take a phone call then. And if some people texted without trying to call first, I really wasn't offended. I appreciated their reaching out.

Laiya

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:10 pm

Calling is better, but if you're not going to call, it's definitely better than nothing

thunderstorm

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:12 pm

I think a phone call is better. But if not, an email or fax is better than a text too, IMO.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:40 pm

I sat shiva recently. I think it was appropriate and actually preferred it to the awkward phone calls. Though if you're close enough to the person sitting, then the phone call wouldn't be awkward and in that case, call.

penguin

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:46 pm

Well, Misaskim has a pop-up when you go to look at list of aveilim, offering the opportunity to text the ovel. I wrote them that it's annoying to have to close that pop-up. Offer a link if you want, but why do you have to assume everyone wants your pop-up?

amother

Bisque

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:47 pm

Not appropriate. Just muster the courage and call. Say the pasuk and ya.

zaq

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:02 pm

No. A phone call at least unless you’re halfway around the world, in which case at least an email. Text is just too casual and juvenile.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:04 pm

When I sat Shiva any gesture was appreciated. It's probably more appropriate to call, but I wasn't thinking in too deeply if the person was being proper. I was too into my own pain and showing that you care and remember her, in whatever form it comes, is nice

watergirl

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:20 pm

When I sat shiva, I got texts asking when was a good time to call or visit. I very much appreciated it.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:52 pm

There's no absolute rule, but I think a text message is too casual. When I sat shiva in a different time zone from where I lived, I got lots of emails, and I appreciated them tremendously. It's not polite to be on the phone when you have visitors, and I could respond to emails at my leisure.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:12 pm

I think it's fine. And I say this as someone who received them. Texts are used for Shabbos invites, to tell someone good Shabbos when you want them to know you are thinking of them but have no time to call, etc. They can be sent when you can't call, such as when your environment doesn'tlend itself to an audible voice call. They told me people cared to contact me- I didn't parse how they contacted me.

Also, sometimes they were actually more convenient for me then calls. When I sat for a few days in my own home as the only person sitting, when someone called, it was actually awkward. I had someone on the phone and a room of people in front of me. Texting doesn't just say, "It's not convenient for me to call." It also says, "In case it's not convenient for YOU to talk now..."

amother

Blush

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 11:32 pm

As you can see, most people that sat shiva voted that it is appropriate to be Menachem uval by text. It is sometimes annoying to answer a phone call while people are there. You can text during shiva and call maybe a day after shiva, when there are no visitors anymore.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:10 am

Op here. Thanks for your replies. I see that most agree that it's ok. In my situation, I feel it's ok, but just wanted to make sure before hand.

Zehava

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:29 am

I appreciated the texts. I didn’t like having to answer phone calls. I think maybe some of those who say it’s too casual haven’t actually sat shivah.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:34 am

I sat shiva 3 times. I didn't appreciate the texts.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:51 am

When one is sitting Shiva with a room full of people it's inappropriate to talk on the phone. Therefore I am texting if the people live too far

essie14

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:58 am

I appreciated the texts when I was sitting shiva.
Shiva is draining and most people can’t really talk on the phone very much when there are visitors.

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