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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Acquaintances asking to come for Shabbos w/o meals



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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 8:40 am
A single acquaintance from another town asked to come to spend Shabbos. We'd been in touch about her coming since we'd met I learned she knew a lot of people in our town. When she asked to come, I said she could choose whatever meal worked for her to join us, assuming she'd like to go to friends for others.
In the end she said she wouldn't be joining us since she had so many friends to see, but looked forward to hanging out in the afternoon. I was surprised and a little hurt, but I don't nap so it worked out. But is this normal? Even though I didn't know her well, when we'd met we had some nice conversations, so I thought this was a way to develop a friendship. Even though we spoke a bit upon arrival, and in the afternoon, it's not like a meal. She came again and did the same, despite being invited for a meal again, but that time we didn't actually see each other in the afternoon. It was quite hot and she just stayed where she went for lunch until later.
My husband said when he was single this was the norm, but I never just stayed by people, unless my hostess asked me to be put up. I didn't just ask for a place to sleep. Whenever I've had guests come and go to others for meals they even apologize for that, although it's usually fine and appreciated. Am I crazy for being a put off by this?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 8:50 am
You're not crazy. If you don't feel comfortable with this arrangement, you don't have to do it.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 8:54 am
She’s using you for free accomodations to facilitate her vacation. She has all of these friends, but no one to put her up. Next time pass.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 11:19 am
watergirl wrote:
She’s using you for free accomodations to facilitate her vacation. She has all of these friends, but no one to put her up. Next time pass.


Or don't. Do her this favor and agree to put her up. One can also do a favor without getting anything in return (ie. a friendship in your case).
If it's not a burden for you to have her, why not offer her the bed.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:24 pm
I remember when I was single I felt extremely embarrassed to ask someone who I wasn't super close with. Maybe she is more comfortable asking her close friends to stay for the meal and she thinks she's less of a burden if she just sleeps at your place? Why don't you ask her openly?
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Purple2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:28 pm
It’s a mitzva of hachnassas orchim. Why are we nitpicking.
Read the book on Henny Machlis and then see how to behave like the children of Avraham and Sara that we are.
I don’t mean to be preachy, and I don’t always say yes to every guest who asks, but seriously,
I’m surprised at theses responses.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:41 pm
amother wrote:
I remember when I was single I felt extremely embarrassed to ask someone who I wasn't super close with. Maybe she is more comfortable asking her close friends to stay for the meal and she thinks she's less of a burden if she just sleeps at your place? Why don't you ask her openly?

This is what I thought too, at first blush. She might think you're just asking her to a meal to be polite, but that she is doing you a favor by declining.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 12:52 pm
Shabbos is a working day of rest for singles, just like for wives and mothers.

It's a time when they need to see and be seen; meet new people who might be helpful in recommending shidduchim; and network to keep their names and images fresh in the minds of their friends and acquaintances. And, of course, they have to do this while looking like they're not the least bit desperate.

If your friend is looking to get married, she may be trying to maximize her Shabbos stay by connecting with as many people as possible. Naturally, she's going to present this as "seeing friends" to prevent embarrassment.

Unless there's some specific reason it's a problem to host her on a given week, please open up your home to the best of your ability. You'll get some of the schar when she finds her bashert, even if all you did was give her a place to sleep.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jun 25 2018, 1:21 pm
Thank you for the reassuring posts and likes. They made me feel much better, and allowed me to accept myself and my feelings in what I hope will be a process of growth. I have been asking myself over and over, why does this situation bother me? Or saying it shouldn't bother me. We host many people, many who request or are requested by others to just sleep here, so I wasn't able to accept my feelings. I appreciate those that helped me to do so by acknowledging them.

I have thought how there is clearly a fault in my hachnassas orchim if I felt bad in this case, and in the future I do hope that hurt or disappointment won't hinder the full appreciation of taking part in the mitzvah, but I guess I'm not on that level yet.

As for asking her outright, I've repeatedly invited her to meals, starting long before she actually came. Wouldn't it be putting her on the spot to say "Why don't you eat by us?" even in a lighthearted way? She has mentioned it, once saying she may come for a certain meal, and then saying it didn't work out in the end, so it didn't seem like she minded.

Again, none of that has to stop me from doing the mitzvah of hachnassas orchim, and having her stay or maybe even join us for a meal if it ever happens, but I found the situation hard, so thank you again for all the responses, they've helped me feel comfortable and hopefully grow.
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