Do we owe our teens a "fun summer"?

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 3:44 pm

Hi everyone,

So we can't afford sleep away camp, and my teen daughter is ANGRY about her summer plans. Her friends are going to sleep away camp, and she is working in a day camp (earning a nice amount in an environment she's enjoyed for two years) and then going with the family on a week's vacation at the end of the summer.

She was really in a bad mood this afternoon, after she came home from her job she was storming around and when I asked her what was wrong she responded "I have to work with kids all day and then come home to be surrounded by more kids (we always are very respectful that she take a nice long quiet time with drinks or popsicles before interacting with any siblings after camp) and I'm not doing anything fun this summer!"

I feel sort of torn...I'm sorry she is (naturally) comparing herself to her friends that go to camp, but I also want her to understand that we don't "owe" her a fun time in the summer. I mean, I'm all for fun, but if we can't meet her expectations, that's just life...

Any thoughts on the right way to approach this? Her moodiness and anger are really getting to the whole family.

amother

Gray

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 3:57 pm

My friend can't afford sleep away camp. Her daughters babysit all year and save up to go. She will chip in a small amount if they come up short. If she really wanted to go brainstorming in advance and not moody storming now, you are not teaching her that it's all coming to her is the right thing to do.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 3:59 pm

It's very hard for a teen girl to stay home from sleep away camp. I had to do that in 10 th grade so my mother could send my younger sister who she felt needed to get out of the house.
It wasn't the summer job that bothered me. I loved that. But after 5pm I was miserably bored. Id sit in my bed and write letters to all my friends . We didn't have cell phones and chatting available.
I felt like I was missing out on an entire social and fun summer. My father paid for me to go to my friends sleepaway camps for a Shabbos . I'm not sure if the camps allow it nowadays. I basically paid $180 or so to be a "guest". I was given a mattress to sleep on the floor and I slept in my friends bunk houses. That helped me revive my social life , we had kumsitzs and enjoyed from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. I did that a few times.
That was something I really enjoyed. Maybe you can see if your daughter has an option like that.
Otherwise , I so understand her moodiness.
My own teenagers are home too this summer and will be going away on a vacation for a week. Camp is very expensive . Some kids need it more than others. I thrived in camp. It's where the best of me was able to shine. It is my best memories. But I didn't get to go during my teen years until I was eligible to be a staff member.
Also, I agree , she shouldn't have to deal with her siblings at all. I was "off duty" once I got home in the summer. It was the only time of year my mother let me just "be" because she already felt bad that I was the only one from all my friends who didn't go to camp.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 4:36 pm

Well, I can tell you what we just did... we borrowed money to send my teenage son to camp for three weeks. I felt that this was really important to him, and will make a difference in his life.

I know that imamother in general is against living this way, but... I'm sure were not the only ones. And I don't regret it.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 4:40 pm

amother wrote:

I agree that certain kids need certain things. One summer I kept all the kids home from day camp just to be able to afford my teen son'a three week camp. He had a one time experience and it was extremely important to him. I'm happy that he had that opportunity .

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 4:47 pm

She's fourteen, too young to work in camp, her friends are all going as campers.

I'm not sure why, because I appreciate all your responses, but this thread is making me so much more sad. Reading how you all felt when you couldnt go to camp in a big family of siblings...I feel so bad

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 4:48 pm

absolutely not. Unfortunately most kids (and a good number of adults) have feelings of entitlement. My youngest just turned 15. This summer (just like last) she will "be home the whole day, every day." I am not even sure if we will go on one day trip. (Last year we went on a few.) It is her responsibility to come up with ways to entertain herself. And this will not include getting together with friends as most are not around.
In the not too distant past, teenagers had part time jobs during the year and worked all summer. Why in G-d Name do they have to be entertained!

amother

Peach

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 4:57 pm

amother wrote:

What did your oldest do summer of "15"?

amother

Peach

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:01 pm

amother wrote:

I would encourage her to make friends with the other (obviously in town) teens working at this camp... and brain storm of some fun things to do together.

amother

Linen

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:03 pm

Why is it always about money?! I don't want my children going to camp. They know I don't believe in it. Obviously in specific circumstances we may agree but otherwise it's not happening and they are not resentful. They are understanding and respectful of our position on sending children away.
Why dont you chill out with your daughter sometimes? You don't "owe" it to her but I do that with my older ones...go out for ice cream etc. Going walking at night is fun. Anything that you'll also enjoy doing. Maybe you're more of a craft person...you can buy paints and canvases and paint together. The important thing is that you enjoy it too or else it becomes a chore. And guilt comes with the mama territory Wink

PinkFridge

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:06 pm

amother wrote:

There is a big difference between not doing something because this is how our family does things, and not doing something because there's not enough money.
And this impacts how to approach a situation.
Your second paragraph is very helpful, IMO! At least it sounds that way to me, imagining if I were in this situation.

keym

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:16 pm

When I was a kid, some years I was able to go to camp and some years my parents couldnt afford and made me work instead.
Like a previous poster wrote, the part that made me the most resentful was when I came home from working and my mother expected me to be on call for my younger siblings. I worked really hard during the school year, and the part I loved about camp was no whiny little siblings touching me or my stuff with grimy hands. (And I really loved them.)

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:18 pm

Peach: the summer my oldest turned 15 (end of July) she went to a three week art program (it was just in the mornings). Not because I felt she needed to do something, but because this was a special "once in a lifetime opportunity" to take a class in oil painting and how to cut and solder glass. The following summer she "did nothing fun" (she volunteered at a hospital) and the summer after that she went to a one week, daily glass camp (also a once in a lifetime opportunity, but in reality - [and she knew this was the reason] because I didn't want to send my 10 year old by herself - it was not in the greatest neighborhood) where they got to make glass beads, flat glass and even blow glass.

amother

Blue

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 5:25 pm

I think it would probably be very meaningful to her if you could validate how disappointing this is to her. As a parent, even though you do feel sorry for her that she can't go to camp, it's a lot easier for you to be objective and recognize that this is a necessary, practical way for her to spend the summer. I don't think you owe her anything more than that, but the verbal recognition that you understand how difficult it is for her would go a long way.

Next time she complains, say "I know you're finding it hard. It must be frustrating when you think about what your friends are doing. " Don't end with any reminders about why she needs to be home and working. Don't try to get her to see the bright side. Don't get defensive or apologetic. Just reflect to her whatever she's saying or implying.

amother

Peach

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 6:19 pm

amother wrote:

That's just it. Being a 15 year old in the summer itself is a once in a life time opportunity.

Though I don't think its the responsibility of parents to entertain their children - helping them find ways to enjoy their summer somewhat is.

(My summer that I turned 15, I worked one month at an over night camp as a 'babysitter' for a family that came up with a 5 year old. I'm stuck remembering the other month...).