What should I do about overweight 13 y.o. daughter?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 11:57 pm

I knew she'd been gaining weight, but had not realized the extent of it. At her annual checkup this week, it turns out that she gained 37 lbs. this past year and is now in the "overweight" category. Sad

Part of that is attributable to puberty - she developed a lot this year. But that wouldn't account for 37 lbs. I was sad to see that she has a lot of bright red stretch marks too at her waist - which I had not known about.

The doctor and I didn't say anything in front of her, but did speak privately after. Doc would like to see her back in 3 months and if the weight is still the same or more, run tests. Doc also wants her to exercise an hour a day and eat more fruits and veggies.

We spoke about pros and cons of telling her about this directly, but doc is hesitant since this age is so sensitive. Also my daughter is the only kid who inherited my in-laws' body structure - and she's sensitive about it.

I've been going on power walks with her and my other girls, saying that I need to exercise more for my health and would like people to keep my company. So that's going okay. She enjoys it.

But I have to figure out what kind of foods to make. She craves carbs and especially junk food. She doesn't like most fleishigs, and likes to eat a lot of cheese. Can anyone help me figure out what suppers to make that are parve or milchig, but low-fat? We can't do beans because a few people in our family don't do well with them at all. She doesn't touch fish (including tuna) and ground meat. She loves potatoes and pasta.

Should l be upfront about her weight? Anyone with overweight daughters have advice?

Thank you so much.

amother

Puce

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:20 am

I haven’t been in this exact situation, but I have had to make significant diet changes for my daughter (younger than yours) for other reasons. From what I’ve learned, it’s not your daughter that’s craving the carbs and dairy and junk, it’s the bacteria and/or fungus in the gut that feeds off of those types of foods that is trying to live. I would say you should be up front with your daughter and educate her (first educate yourself- not saying this in a rude way, just matter of fact as many of us never got this knowledge unless it was sought out!) on how what we put into our bodies affects us. In my opinion, I’d address it from a health point of view rather than talking about weight. But definitely be clear and put it in a positive light- empower her to make choices and put good things in her body instead of just eating what she “craves”. Find healthy recipes together and get excited about the food you’re eating instead of making it a chore to eat that way.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:20 am

Put the whole family on a healthy diet- maybe say that your doctor encouraged you to eat healthier and your following your doctors suggestion. also, involve her in the healthy cooking, if she makes salad or soup or helps with chicken she's more likely to eat it.
and don't single her out and don't make comments to her if you know your other kids are eating the same things and staying thin.

amother

Jade

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:23 am

Don't say anything about weight. She is surely aware and it can be harmful. Talk about health. And don't single her out or treat her differently. Just limit the nosh that is available to about 1 treat per day. Can make morrocan fish, tuna casserole with corn and chickpeas, eggs, salad...

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:57 am

There is a Jewish women intuitive eating group on Facebook that may be helpful. I’m sure lots of women in the group would have advice for you on how to handle this without messing your daughter up.

tichellady

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 1:05 am

You sound like a caring and thoughtful mom and your pediatrician sounds great.

I don’t do well with beans but can eat sprouted lentils. You can do Mexican style meals with lentils or soy beef and lots of roasted or sautéed veggies. Soup is healthy and filling, would your kids eat soup? Tofu stir fry with brown rice is healthy and inexpensive. I make quiche with some cheese ( maybe 1/2 cup of cheddar in a 9x13) and use low-fat ricotta or cottage cheese, so it’s actually pretty healthy. You can make it crustless and serve it with baked potatoes or sweet potatoes and a soup or salad

Do you serve fresh veggies or fruit with dinner? We loved having cucumber sticks, baby carrots, pepper slices etc with dinner when I was a kid. My mom would also cut up some fruit to have with dinner as well.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 2:02 am

IF you even single her out in your head like: "I'm being healthy for the whole family but really for her" younger kids WILL pick up on it, please don't let that happy. They will complain "Were only doing this for x cuz she's fat".

I suggest making healthier food, making less of unhealthy foods. If you serve a cheesy dish make it smaller and add different side dishes much bigger in portion.

NEVER EVER comment if your kids eat to much or too little. If they ask for more simply as if they are hungry, and if so they can take more. This teaches your kid to trust their inner feelings of hunger to decide how much to eat. I'm overweight too, In honestly think most people are simply because we just eat, all the time. People have forgotten how to listen to themselves.

Start limiting the ammount of junk food in the house. Decide you are going to start serving vetables, cut up or cooked at every meal, ask her and all your kids what they like.

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 2:51 am

I was also overweight as a child and pre-teen.
I loved junk food, cookies, cakes, ice cream, etc. We usually did not have those foods at home, as my mother kept a very healthy home and was always dieting, but I would either buy it from the candy store with my allowance or get it from other kids at school. My mother never said anything about my weight but when I was around age 10 she did implement things like no soda or soft drinks at home (just water or seltzer or homemade iced tea) and would serve a large salad during every meal and fruit after the meal. Based on old pictures I see, I think those changes helped maintain my weight.
At age 14, when I started being more conscience about my appearance, I began exercising (we had an exercise bike at home) and joined my parents on a diet they were doing anyway. Breakfast was yogurt or a breakfast bar, lunch was a sandwich or pasta with vegetables on the side (that's what my mom would put in my lunchbox), when I'd come home I'd have a large fruit platter that my mother cut up for me, and then dinner was grilled chicken or baked beef kabobs/hamburgers, grilled or steamed vegetables, and a very large vegetable salad. Sometimes I would have a fruit after dinner. I always kept a cold water bottle with me and drank lots of water.
By age 14.5, I lost approx 35 lbs and basically kept it off until I got married. I did go back to eating junk food but I exercised regularly at the gym.

So, some ideas based on my experience:

1) I would say for now don't focus on her losing weight...just try to focus on maintaining her current weight - don't cut out the sweets/junk/carbs...just find healthier alternatives. Make delicious fruit platters for when she gets home from school (grapes, cut up watermelon, melon, peaches), natural fruit roll ups, natural popped corn, oven baked potatoes instead of fries, grilled chicken and salad, oven baked shnitzel instead of fried, etc.
2) Keep your home as healthy as possible - no soda, cakes, chips, etc. only on Shabbos if it's a must. Fast food like pizza or chinese food should be kept for special times like birthdays, rosh chodesh...
3) Also, in my opinion, don't say anything about her weight. I think if you just make a few changes, she will maintain her current weight and as she gets older, she will probably want to lose the weight on her own. Compliment her features - tell her she such beautiful eyes, such a sparkling smile, or how that's a nice shirt she's wearing, etc. My parents often complimented my appearance, even when looking back at pictures - I looked like such a wreck (a chubby girl with a bad fashion sense and colorful braces with swollen gums on top of them Very Happy

)

WastingTime

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 4:09 am

LovesHashem wrote:

This.
Please don't mention her size or the D word. Otherwise you might unintentionally set her up for a lifetime of struggling rather than teaching her how to listen to her body's innate signals

amother

cornflower

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 7:25 am

amother wrote:

)

Great advice! I love this post.

amother

Puce

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:11 am

LovesHashem wrote:

This! Don’t single her out. Also, if all your children are eating like your daughter, it is likely affecting them too, just not in their weight. Not everyone gains weight from eating unhealthy, but it could be affecting their blood sugar, mood, immune functions, or the other organs in their bodies over time! Thinking about it this way will help you to truly not single your daughter out because it really is about everyone’s health, not just hers. It will also be easier if everyone is doing it together.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jul 01 2018, 5:09 pm

OP here. Thank you all so much for your helpful responses!

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 5:51 am

amother wrote:

I'm so happy you and the doctor didn't talk in front of her. I had bulimia for 14 years... I was overweight when I was 12/13 .. normal as a child and then gained tons of weight in 2 years. My parents told me I was too fat and I'll never find a husband etc , the doctor also told me I needed to lose weight in order to ever find a guy who would think I'm attractive.. I hated myself for years.
One of my nieces is overweight and my sister and I discussed this.. I personally can only speak from experience I'm not a professional therapist or anything. But I would have liked for my parents to focus on my health instead of my looks. I would have wanted my mom not to focus on what neighbours would say and not be ashamed that I was the fat one. I would have wanted to be send to a nutritionist and have someone outside of the family tell me what foods are healthy and how big a food portion should be. I would have liked to have someone exercise with me.. instead of my parents and siblings never exercising and telling me I should do it. I would have wanted my mom to still tell me I'm pretty because noone is automatically ugly because they are chubby or fat. And definitely I would have wanted my parents to still make me feel like I was lovable no matter how big I was.
I was in therapy for 7 years and only now do I eat healthy and normal. I have a regular weight now and I have a husband who lived me even when I was chubby. And that's the most important thing to me. Because that was my biggest fear... That my dad's words would come true and my husband would leave me when I gained weight.
I think it's great that you do powerwalks together!! Maybe you can watch a documentary about food... Where the importance of veggies and fruit is the main topic. Sugar is addictive... It really is. And once I started eating lots of veggies and fruits my cravings for unhealthy food diminished. I don't eat any meat or cheese anymore. I eat candy or sweets only once a week (shabbos cake for example) and I eat clean for the rest of the week. It's difficult in the beginning but it's definitely healthier and I feel healthier.
Also for the stretch marks...I don't know how you could bring that up... But maybe you don't have to and you can just leave cream for stretch marks in the bathroom ..shell probably use it. I took my mom's stretchmark cream when I was 14 without asking. It really helps. She'll be happy later that her skin isn't so scarred.

amother

Navy

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 8:17 am

I was also overweight at that age and gained a rapid amount of weight and dveloped stretch marks. is your daughter happy about her appearance? I remember how miserable I was- when I took a shower I would never look at the mirror. the few comments my mother said were horrible I advise you not to say anything. wait for your daughter to bring it up to you and then and only then you can discuss with her what she can do to be healthier and take her to a nutritionist. its too hard for a teen to lose weight just by being healthierz btw by the time I was an adult I had outgrown my weight and am now thin so dont think she is doomed to be heavy.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 8:43 am

What brand of stretch mark cream is good? I never bought any (probably should have though - I have plenty on my tummy). Good idea to leave it in the bathroom so she can try it out. Thanks!

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 9:05 am

OP your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who realizes that how you deal with this now will effect her for many many years.
My older sister (2 years) is a very small & skinny person by nature (34A). I am not (36DD) But when my mother saw the 2 of us all she saw was that I was overweight. From a very young age she made me feel fat. It took me years to get past it. The way she treated me effected me for so many years. Eventually I did get fat. When I look at pictures of myself as a child & teenager I can’t believe what she put me through. All I see is a normal healthy girl. BH now I’m no longer obese & I’m almost no longer medically overweight. But I was a very long hard journey that was in a very large way caused by the body image my mother gave me.
So please keep in mind that your shaping your daughters self & body image by the way you deal with this. I wish you the best of luck to you & your daughter.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 9:11 am

If you think the extra weight is just due to bad habits, then I think Seashell amother's advice is the way to go to gradually reshape food habits without making her self-conscious.

If you have reason to believe that your daughter is overeating for emotional reasons, as in binging periodically, then I think that requires addressing more directly, probably via professional treatment. I see that as more of a mental health issue than a dietary one. The overeating is then just a symptom/consequence.

Metukah

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 9:26 am

I can't give you advice of what to do but I can echo others advice of what not to do.

I don't believe I would be as overweight as I am today if my mother would have known how to deal with my weight gain (same for more than half of my sibling's).

She would go on and on about our weight and instead of making healthy dietetic food, she made no food at all.

I remember eating (more like wolfing) to prove to myself that my mother can't control what I eat.

Please don't do that. I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food today as do most of my siblings.

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 9:54 am

Echo all the good advice.
Don't talk about her or single her out.
Don't talk about diets.
Do use it as an opportunity to revamp the house and meals for everyone.
Do talk to everyone about being healthy adults too and thats why no junk in the house etc.
But do not talk about it too much.
Do make sure everyone is active as a family and individuals in fun way.
Its the only way that works. The other does not and is painful.
Good for you she's lucky you are so sensitive to her and the situation.
bhatzlocha

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 02 2018, 9:59 am

Does she like parve? egg based? quiche etc? stuffed potatoes? taco night? stir fry? brown rice can be flavored well too
what veggies and fruits does she like?
soups?
big salads like greek with feta...
its a process and the more you cut out sugar carbs and junk the less you crave them.
drink a lot (not juice or soda)
you can google for ideas and involve them in the process of choosing new things to try
now is a great time to start, food is lighter in summer and all the produce so good!
Keep healthy stuff ready in the frig like veggies with greek yogurt based dip -- yum

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