Question about tzedaka & vacation

amother

Denim

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 10:11 am

Let me start that I know it's none of my business, so no one should reply MYOB. That being said, a family friend of ours just married off. Their relatives raised a large sum of money for them to help. They finished sheva brachos & went for a week long vacation & took their entire family of many kids. A relative called me that they're in a lot of debt from the wedding & if I have something to contribute. If they're in so much debt, how can they afford a week long vacation for 10 people??? I told said relative that I'm not comfortable giving money when they just went away right after marrying off. Wwyd?

amother

Wine

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:17 am

I think that you have a right to give your tzedakah money where you feel comfortable giving. Nobody can force you to give your tzedakah money to any specific person or organization, it's your choice.

There are so many worthy causes that really need the money, and unless you're Rockefeller, there's no way to give to all of them! It's your right to choose.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 12:32 pm

amother wrote:

Forget the vacation.

If you were called before the wedding to ask to contribute Tzdaka to this family to help for the wedding - would you have done so? If yes - consider this request is just coming in late.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:06 pm

The op doesn't have to judge them in order to not feel comfortable giving them. Personally I probably wouldn't give them unless I did more research which I probably wouldn't want to do. We have limitted maaser money and so we chose where we want to give it.

wifenmother

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:17 pm

OP, I understand how conflicted you feel because I was faced with a similar situation recently. It was very hard for me to do, but I gave anyway. My mitzva is to give when asked. The recipient is the one that has to judge what their needs are. It is not for me as the donor to decide whether or not they need the money, or if they're spending it irresponsibly.

L'fim Tzara Agra. You have the opportunity to earn that much more schar.

amother

Green

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:25 pm

At one point we were in debt too. We owed everything from tuition to utilities.
It was a stressful time and that summer our kids did not go to camp.

Towards the end of the summer someone offered us a free old, dilapidated bungalow for a week. I’m talking about a bungalow that that only had cold water in the moldy, dirty shower, mouse droppings all over etc.

Full of excitement and anticipation we packed our car for the trip up to the mountains. For us this getaway was a dream come true!!! A neighbor commented that we are so lucky to go away and spoke to my children telling them how privileged they were. Little did she know what our accommodations were going to be and that our bank account was negative. I imagine that if someone were to ask her to help us out she would have answered like you did.

You really never know what a person is really dealing with and what is really going on. Perhaps someone paid for them to get away? Perhaps they had mileage and the whole trip cost them $35? Perhaps the dh is going to be the cook for the hotel and they got free accommodations?

I’m sure if they didn’t have money for the wedding they really didn’t have money for the trip either and somehow it was all or mostly covered.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:36 pm

A close relative of mine just confided in me that the guy who payed for their bar mitzva and tuition bills told them that if they don’t take a vacation by a certain date they will have to give him back the money!

She’s so nervous how people will react and judge her when they find out. She just wants to stay home. She never takes any vacations!

Just another perspective:)

amother

Orchid

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:41 pm

in general I say people should mind their own business but if you are going to get tzedakah then I think that you need to be a little bit open about these things like I would probably mention to my friends how I'm concerned what people would say but the bungalow is free and dilapidated, someone is forcing me to go on vacation whatever it is...

groovy1224

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 2:51 pm

I wouldn't give. And to be totally honest, even though it's not PC to say so, I'd be pretty put off by that. People on here will say- maybe a grandparent paid! Maybe they got points! Maybe they won an all expense paid (including kosher food!) vacation from a chinese auction! Maybe they got a great deal! Maybe he found a voucher on the floor that literally could ONLY be used for a 4 bedroom suite at the Marriott!

Yeahhh no, Vacations are a luxury. Especially ones for large families. As for points- it may not be the best value, but you can cash those in for points. If you can figure out how to make it work, you can figure out how to use that money to pay for a wedding. And even if the vacation is free, there are always expenses associated with them- whether it's food or gas or new crocs. I get that there are very rare consequences in which people can get free vacations (but even then, don't you have a job you're not showing up to in order to travel?) but I don't believe these situations come up nearly as often as imamother would have you believe.

Ultimately, I wouldn't badmouth them, I wouldn't tell other people what to do with THEIR tzedakah money, but that would be a hard pass for me.

amother

Mint

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 3:40 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

I wouldn't give. And to be totally honest, even though it's not PC to say so, I'd be pretty put off by that.

Ultimately, I wouldn't badmouth them, I wouldn't tell other people what to do with THEIR tzedakah money, but that would be a hard pass for me.

It's hard; I agree. Being DLKZ is very, very hard. But it is still something that we have to work hard to do.

tichellady

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:09 pm

amother wrote:

It's hard; I agree. Being DLKZ is very, very hard. But it is still something that we have to work hard to do.

I don’t think that being dlkz means you have to give tzedekah to everyone. There are times we do need to prioritize where our $ goes and that does involve making a judgement call.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:30 pm

I am in a similar dilemma. Relative who literally throws money in the garbage is in a bad financial state. They are totally irresponsible with money and would never deny themselves anything they want. Dh wants to help them out. I say, I don't spend on any of the stuff they spend on so if they cut down then I will consider helping with giving them from our masser money. I don't think it is fair to give them all of our masser so they can buy takeout every day while there are others who need the money for bread and cheap clothes.

phila

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:30 pm

how about another perspective?
if they are regular people, then chances are that they don't want money being raised for them and therefore would obviously have used vacation money for the wedding. that being said, there are 101 things that can be going on behind the scenes and this "vacation" might just be a ruse. I know a family in chinuch that once went on a "vacation" to an exotic place where one of the family members was getting treatment for a dreaded disease. if money is being raised for the wedding, there's a solid chance that they aren't paying for the vacation either. who can afford week-long vacations for 10? only the 1%