Unique bullying situation. Need advice and chizuk

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 3:40 pm

I really dont know what to do anymore.
Two cousins in the same class. But they didnt start out in first grade that way. That started in 3rd grade when one family moved to the same neighborhood as the other family. Its been 2 years.
Its been hard for both children, differently, but hard.
Now the child who grew up in the community, since the cousin moved in, felt and still feels like their friends have been taken away from them and just doesnt get it that the cousin is not stealing friends but just trying to share the friends.
Lately this child has been mean to the cousin, at lets say shabbos bnos events and things like that, or a school trip. When they see that the cousin (who moved here) is being with the friends, they will go quickly to those friends and start telling secrets or try to get those friends back to them and not be with the cousin.
In the beginning the cousin who moved here definitely clung to the cousin who lived here. And it was hard, for both. But now its become crazy already how this child can not understand that the cousin is here to stay but also not to take friends away and not to be mean.
We cant figure out how to stop the cousin bullying the other cousin. It just does not sink in, every time we try to explain, that the friends are not going to leave this child just because the newer cousin has started trying to become friends as well.
Any bright ideas? We are at a complete loss with them.

LovesHashem

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:10 pm

I don't understand why they had to go to the same school, and the same class, and why cousin 2 felt like all of cousin's 1 friends' needed to be her friends. Like chill. It's okay to have different friends.

I think they need to be separated in school and both be pushed to be individual and make their own friends. It's been 3 years, sharing friends isn't working.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:19 pm

amother wrote:

Where is the parent?

Both sets of parents have been around the entire time. And trying to help, but even each time something happens and the parents talk to the children and then they talk to each other, nothing really comes from it in the end.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:24 pm

nicole81 wrote:

Sounds like a difficult situation, but definitely not bullying from what you write. The overuse of the term is problematic.

OK, I can hear that. I thought it was bullying, but we can call it whatever you want, one is being awful to the other and we dont know what to do anymore.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 4:28 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

The family that moved here decided to start them in the same school so that the cousin who moved here would have an easier time getting accllimated, but it isnt really happening in school anmore, but more so at home, among the kids their age in the community. As for why the same kids as friends, there are not hundreds of kids their age in this town. So really there is a specific amount of kids their age that they could both be friends with.
The group of kids their age is no so bog that they can both pick from this large pool of kids. Does this make sense? And its been 2 years. And as I just said, its not so much in school anymore, its more so on shabbos and at home, playing around.

imasinger

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 6:36 pm

1. Do they like to read? There are books for kids about conflict and competition with friends.

2. Are the adults sure they fully understand how each cousin feels, and aren't projecting their own emotions or assumptions?

3. Are there any attempts to take just the 2 cousins out somewhere, to do something fun?

4. Are there older, same gender siblings in each family, or are both of them the oldest?

amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 7:52 pm

reliving my childhood reading this post.

Love my cousin, totally and completely. She loves me. When we were kids the adults in our lives were always mixing in to our stupid kid fights that they didn't understand and we couldn't explain.

"she's your cousin, she's more important than your friends"
"your friends can like both of you, there's no reason to be jealous..."
"I think you are ___________(beautiful, smart, funny..whatever), and theres no reason to be jealous"
"no one is comparing (other than all our aunts and our grandmother!)
and my personal favorite "no one is forcing you to be friends, just be nice!"

okay none of the above worked, as kids we felt forced, but now that we don't she is my bestie! Back off and let them work it out. Don't tolerate anything extreme but otherwise back off mama bears!

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 2:51 am

imasinger wrote:

Reading? Not really, but Id have to find the books in the language of the country we live in. That might be hard.

2. The adults are not projecting. One parent is just telling the other parent what one child said to the other.

3. as for doing something together, that wont help as it isnt when they are alone that there is a problem. When there is cousin time or family time with the extended family, there are no problems. They actually get along find. Its when its with the friends in the community. Again, there is not a very big group of friends here.

4. they are both the oldest in their respective families.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 2:57 am

amother wrote:

OK, the adults are not mixing in. Actually the adults are trying not to step in at all, but one of the cousins, every time something happens, ends up not going to the other cousin to explain why they are hurt, but rather, goes to their parent and tells them and then that parent goes to the other set of parents to tell them and then that parent talks to their child. Its actually pretty nuts and one big circle.
As for backing off, thats what we have been doing. We have not told them anything about anything. But it doesnt seem to be working out between them at all.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 3:53 am

amother wrote:

I dont know what this is. And I am not in the usa, if that makes a difference.

They are a free advice in frum education,.,USA hours . Bli neder I can.post later the number' I,have a daughter with my niece in same classs and I can.see that your problem is complex. My daughters was not smooth either but not this chalenging. You definitely need a professional..

amother

Blush

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 11:39 am

I second to have the children in separate classes. It's a must. These things just escalate as time goes on and it doesn't help the family relationships. There's jealousy if one learns better or is better at sports, or if one keeps getting certificates for achievements and so on.
They will probably have a better relationship once the competition of friends is over.
From someone that has been exactly in the same situation like this with one of my children.

amother

Jade

Wed, Jul 11 2018, 6:25 pm

If parents talking to each other doesn't work and parents talking to kids doesn't work, it may be time to have the kids talk to each other supervised. If you feel that you as parents wouldn't be the right intermediaries for that, see if you can find a family therapist would be willing to sit with them for a few sessions to help them understand each others feelings and work things out.