Taking an ill child to a simcha

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:19 pm

I really don't want to hurt anyone in this situation, so please do forgive me if this upsets you. I am just curious if my reaction is appropriate or not (but if not, can you please say so gently? Thank you!)

I understand that if you have a child who's ill, you can't always find a capable sitter and you don't want to miss simchas. I really do get that. Also I am sure you don't want to deprive your child of opportunities to participate in various events.

However, I am just wondering if others find that sitting at a simcha (we're talking a small setting e.g. a sheva brochos in someone's home) you would find it disturbing to be eating while a child is suctioned right near you?

amother

Oak

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:24 pm

Yes, I would find that bothersome. I'm not PC at all. I get grossed out by such things. It doesn't matter if it's a child or an adult. I don't want to see any bodily fluids going anywhere or any noises that aren't normal.

I assume you don't just mean sick. You mean ill, like chronically. For a sick child, a one-time thing, of course it makes sense to stay home.

It's harder to deal with it if it's a chronically ill child. I totally understand. But I still agree with OP.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:27 pm

Depends upon so many factors: the relationship of the child to the kallah/chosson. Depends upon their and their family's desire. Is there a reason the suctioning cannot be done in a bathroom or bedroom or a private area away from the meal? Is the child contagious? Is the illness chronic? And again whose needs take priority meaning is it my in laws the parents of the bridal party who want him there? Is it the chosson or kallah who want him there and are used to this? And who don't mind or encourage this type of inclusivity? How old is the child? Is there a reason they want him to be there? Or childcare fell through?
Or is it an acquaintance who showed up and randomly did this at the table?
Challenging.
May Hashem bless all to be healthy and happy.

octopus

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:29 pm

amother wrote:

No, suctioning a tracheotomy.

I understand how it would bother you. OTOH, it's best not to judge. This is this parent's norm and good for them for getting out and making it work.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:29 pm

And how long did it take? I'm not good with this stuff so I could see myself excusing myself and going to the bathroom or helping in the kitchen or something while it was going on. If I had to muscle on I would. But still could be okay for them to choose to do it. Though why right there? Had to be a reason...?

amother

Pink

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:29 pm

A parent who deals with this all the time is completely desensitized to it. I agree that it isn't proper etiquette to do it in the eating area (unless it was an emergency) but please recognize that it's not coming from a bad place. Parents whose children have a chronic illness deserve an extra dose of forgiveness.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:32 pm

Quote:

recognize that it's not coming from a bad place. Parents whose children have a chronic illness deserve an extra dose of forgiveness.

100%, I do understand that.

I don't blame the parent. It wasn't one thing, it was constant, so it wouldn't make sense for her to go to another room.

I just wanted a reality check to my reaction. So I'm okay for wishing it was not done, but she's okay for doing it in her circumstances.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 11:32 pm

was it routine? or was it like an emergency that had to be done right away and right there?
doesn't mean I have to like it but still could be the right thing to do or an option amongst the choices or again like a family decision thats how they do it to include these parents and the child r"l.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 2:41 am

Should these parents have to stay home 24/7 and not go anywhere? People have to realize that not everyone's "normal" is going to be the same.

I have a family member who has a child with a peg. That their life. And this child is not a tiny baby anymore. But they go out and about and when things happen and they have to do things with the peg, thats life. People can look away or move, but when that child need help with the peg, it usually has to be done right there and then, no time to pick up the child and move him.

So, its good that you realize that this is how it has to be. You can be grossed out, but they may have to do it on the spot. You, as the healthy person, can get up and move.

We should only be able to share simchas in life.

amother

Natural

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 3:02 am

Who else could have possibly taken care of that child?
I can’t handle something like that, would loose my appetite, but I don’t think the mother had much choice. I feel bad for her that this is what she is dealing with.

amother

Blue

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 3:09 am

I was recently at 2 weddings from friends who both work with special needs kids. Many special kids came, kids who couldn't talk in strange chairs with wires and tubes etc.

It made me extremely uncomfortable, I hate special needs people and blood and tubes and all that, but that's MY problem, NOT THEIRS.

If you have a problem, look away.
I did just that and danced before and after they came.

heidi

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 4:53 am

I think the question is if the child appreciated being at the simcha.
If the child is that chronically ill it could be they have no idea where they are. And then I think it is truly inappropriate to bring them to a simcha. And really vile to take care of their bodily needs in front of everyone.
If however, the child is aware and really part of the simcha, I would say more power to them. Of course they should be there.
But I still think their bodily needs should be taken care of privately.
And before everyone gets all up in arms, I think the same is true for infants. If they are young enough to have no idea where and why they are, I think they should be left home with a babysitter.
And I think it would be vile to change an infant's diaper in front of everyone also.

happyone

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 5:18 am

That child has a right to be part of a simcha and his airway clearance is the norm to him such as a cough or pulling a tissue out of a pocket is to you. Personally good for mom to bring and expose her child to normal situations and events giving him/her normalcy. Not dire the age of the child, However, (even healthy) babies and toddlers IMO don't belong at weddings period. It's too loud, too overstimulationg , and strollers dont belong in a wedding hall. It depends on age of a child. I personally stay home from weddings if I can't get a babysitter for a young child. In that case, if it means the mom never leaving the house, show her some love and care. Instead of judging , offer to watch the child and learn his/her care. Your comfort level shouldn't dictate this mom or childs quality of life.

amother

Olive

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 9:28 am

This post makes me sad yes it's different and not the normal but they are people too and allowed to be in public get over it . If this child was invited it was for a good reason and I bet the child was so happy to get out . The mom was just doing what needed to be done this is life for them . Seeing the title of your post I was think kid who woke up with flu/ strep/ pinkeye should you still bring them. Not this really just makes me sad even reading the responses

OBnursemom

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 10:01 am

I assumed your question was regarding a contagious child, which a chronically child likely is not. If I saw this going on at a simcha, I would automatically assume that this child was at the simcha at the request of either the chosson or kallah. Once we have established that fact, whether the child bothers me or not doesn’t really matter. I would assume that it is very hard to take a child with a trach and all the associated equipment out just for the fun of it, and that the mother wouldn’t do that unless she was requested or wanted. I assume the same when I see a bunch of young children at a wedding- either they are family or there by special request.

Shoshie

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 10:39 am

amother wrote:

Did you really mean to say you hate special needs people? shock

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 10:43 am

Shoshie wrote:

Did you really mean to say you hate special needs people? shock

Its like saying "I love chicken".... people don't love chicken, they love the way that chicken tastes.

She doesn't hate special needs people - she hates how she feels being around 'special needs people' (yes that phrase is problematic in itself).

amother

Pink

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 10:45 am

amother wrote:

No, it's not at all the same as saying she's uncomfortable around people with special needs. And it's one of the saddest things I've ever read on imamother.