Getting a teen to go to sleep

cozyblanket

Wed, Jul 04 2018, 2:58 pm

amother wrote:

You contradict yourself. You say you can't make a teen do anything, and then you say give him a time to hand over his phone etc...
I have raised several teens and I think that a lot of it is cultural. In general though, in western culture today you really can't MAKE a teen do anything. You can't even force him to turn over his phone or go to his room.
You can of course insist on no disturbing others. But raising teens in Israel, it would have been ridiculous for me to insist they are home by ten every night - much of the social life happens after that.
Most normative teens get it sooner or later that they should be in bed at a normal hour if they want to function the next day. They might stay out late a night or two a week, or stay up late at home, but they are not likely to do it every day.
The problem is those that don't 'get it'. There is not much you can do, except explain and discuss again and again and hope for the best. Forcing a teen to do anything usually doesn't accomplish a thing.

You are right... In a way, I kind of did contradict myself. But with a phone, it can be part of the contract that they put the phone in a certain spot by a certain time. Not adhering to the contract results in loss of the privilege.

But you definitely can't make them go to sleep. You can only lovingly encourage.

salt

Thu, Jul 05 2018, 1:31 am

Sleep is vey important for a teen. Teens are growing very fast and they need sleep.
In my opinion a 14 year old is more a child than an adult.

A parent should still be able to tell them what to do and they should still listen. As long as the parent isn't nagging them on absolutely everything, and as long as it's not some special case of a teen already showing rebellious behavior, etc.

Tell him kids grow when they're sleeping (don't know if that's true or an old wives' tale) and if he wants to grow taller he needs to sleep more Smile

Who wakes him in the morning, by the way?

nicole81

Thu, Jul 05 2018, 5:02 am

With us, it's about the dialog. We give the teens a time to to be in their room and a time to turn off their phones, with their input. The rule is that they have to try to go to sleep 30 min after shutting the phone down. These guidelines were preceded by a number of conversations about the importance of sleep, their responsibilities, and the impact of LCD screens on sleep. We talked with them about how they feel throughout the school day based on their sleep. We also discussed that our goal isn't to baby them or penalize them, but to work together to find their optimal bedtime.

One of my teens is good at regulating his own bedtime and he gets up later than the other one. But dd gets up at 5:45am and likes to stay up late. Based on our discussions, she understands that it's important for her to get rest. We agreed upon benchmark and bedtimes and the rule was that if she had no issues getting up in the morning and making it out on time, and she felt well rested after a week, we would bump her times up by 15 minutes (and if she had trouble, we'd bump it back). This helped her pay attention to how she felt and what she needed, and she didn't feel rebellious since the bedtime wasn't set in stone. We eventually found the right time for her which was surprisingly an hour later than I had thought would work. And I think because we worked on recognizing her needs in figuring out the bedtime, she oftentimes goes to bed on her own well before that time on nights she's feeling particularly tired. And I think her knowing that we can always make bedtime later takes away some of her desire to stay up all night.

ShishKabob

Thu, Jul 05 2018, 10:34 am

salt wrote:

Who wakes him in the morning, by the way?

I totally agree with this.
Ftr, where I come from, Kibbad Av Vem is still in vogue. (not like it was when I was growing up, but definitely is still alive and kicking bh)

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 9:50 am

My teens get really mean if they're tired, they fight pretty badly with each other. So I'm firm about bedtimes during the school year, more flexible in the summer. I tell their friends not to call after 10. I try to spend time chatting with my teens after 10 when my younger kids are asleep, I think it's important to have that family time. And I tell them it's important because we love each other and you should always make your family members a priority. Some people are afraid to set rules with their older kids, but I believe in having clear expectations. A lot of kids today have chutzpah and attitudes of entitlement. I give my kids lots of hugs and encouragement but I also call them immediately on unacceptable stuff.