Work effecting shalom bayis I think

amother

Brown

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 7:15 am

I have kind of a weird concern and I hope this will be a receptive nice place for me to figure this out. Has anyone struggled with respecting their husband even when they have no reason to not respect him? I think it might be related to me being in a sector where I make more than him. Wasn't sure whether to post here or in Shalom Bayis issues so here goes.

BH DH and I have a great marriage. We've had some pretty serious ups and downs but we've been through a lot together and we are both very committed to being better people each day and continuing to grow.

I've been seeing something weird happening lately, though. After all my husband has done for me, through thick and thin and after all the love and adoration he sends my way (I think sometimes I almost need space because of how adoring he is). I think I've noticed something changing in our dynamic. It's nothing major and no cause for ringing alarm bells, just something I am trying to be tuned into. I think I'm just not being as respectful as I could be. I tend to get hung up on little things. I know I want to be more respectful instead of snapping or using a not-so-nice tone. I mean maybe these things are human and somewhat "normal". I have been extra stressed lately due to work and I think that is when I let stress get the better of me.

I think it's a combination of things. One is I probably need more space and time to myself even if I don't want to take that for myself. Two I need to remind myself of all the ways I respect and look up to him. He's very sensitive and I feel bad for giving less respect. Men are very sensitive to this.

I'm just wondering why it is hard for me to sometimes be or feel respectful? I respect him because he's sweet, hardworking, intelligent, caring, strong, he's always been there for me, and more. Why don't I respect him more? I feel like something's wrong with me. I have been very stressed, working very long days in a way that is new for me. I think that's probably part of it and it's just an adjustment. Any words of chizzuk or women here who've been there?

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 7:26 am

I'm not sure this is an issue of "respect" but I think the two of you need to have a conversation about how the dynamics are shifting and how the two of you feel about it. I wouldn't go the disrespect route because that has the potential of coming off negatively and impacting the relationship. Men are sensitive about that!
Maybe go out to a restaurant. Connect. Schmooze. And talk! Talk about how much you CARE about your relationship and how it bothers you when the two of you are off balance.
He's lucky to have a wife who recognizes and cares to be concerned about the shift in the relationship.
Best of luck!

thunderstorm

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 7:35 am

It may be coming from you feeling a lack of respect for yourself. When you have that extra stress from work and don't allow yourself self care, it spirals out of control eventually.
First you suppress those feelings and the need to take care of yourself . Then you start getting upset at those around you for not "caring about you" and about how stressed you are.
This happened to me. I let it get really bad before it got better. My DH who did nothing wrong was the first to suffer because of it. It was like I silently expected him to make things easier for me when it was really all in my own hands. All I needed to do was stand up for myself in the work place. Allow myself a breather. Not push myself past my limits. Get help and do things for myself. Once I took a step back and I realized what stress my job was causing I was able to re-evaluate and leave that situation according to my need.

amother

Natural

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 8:08 am

I have this same exact problem and I know its bc im stressed from the pressure of my job. I am not the same when I dont have that pressure. I hate working; it weighs me down even when not in work bc theres so much to do in so little time. Like u, I snap a lot bc I need my dh to make it easier for me. I am just writing to empathize bc I dont have a solution as I cant quit my job and im sure u cant either.

I just think when a woman is working in a stressful job, its hard to be calm and manage bc we are also doing every "job" at home like cooking, laundry, hw, time with kids etc....I feel like its too much put upon that woman to do, so that is probably why you are snapping.you are doing too much with not enough "breathing time". I dont have a solution bc I know all those things need to get done. I hope your job situation improves.

amother

Brown

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 8:50 am

thunderstorm wrote:

This is so accurate! I was just thinking as I clicked the posting button that this could be the culprit—my diminishing self-respect. I mean I respect myself this is just a test of somewhat grueling pressure but bh the situation is pretty good other than that. Ie my coworkers are nice, supervisors are growth oriented. Just need to believe in myself and even if I am learning the ropes to still not get discouraged and still have confidence in myself and “respect” myself. Thanks for the comments, ladies, very helpful!!

ra_mom

Fri, Jul 06 2018, 6:05 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

This is so on the ball. I've had this experience too when I was working too much. Thanks for your words of wisdom thunderstorm.