Need of ideas | Imamother

amother

Oak

Sat, Jul 07 2018, 11:01 pm

I"m at a difficult place with my DD 18.
I'm trying very hard to connect to my love to her, but right now, honestly, I would love to throw her out of the house. (I won't do so)
Everything has to go according to her feelings, time schedule, mood,.....
She criticizes me all day long.
If I ask her to bring in the laundry, wash dishes,.... it might be done, but many hours later, or she will say, I was too tired, I forgot,... but if I remind her she get's mad....
Right now we are stuck in a bad place.
How do you manage, when your kids go trough this phase?
Looking for good ideas, to restore the once good relationship we had.

byisrael

Sat, Jul 07 2018, 11:27 pm

First of all where is she holding?
Is she still in high school, does she have plans for next year, is she happy with whatever she is doing, did she just come home from seminary and is trying to figure out what to do with her life?

If she is not happy with what she is doing/ will be doing, or is struggeling to figure things out it can be a source of anxiety which turns her into a tough person to live with. If this is the case try to iron those issues out.

Also sometimes after a child has been independant in seminary or just hits the age were they don't feel like a kid anymore tension is created when the parents continue to treat them the same way they did as a fourteen year old.

What my parents did when I came home from seminary was sit down and create a list of mutual expectations. I'll give you my list but you need to create one that works for your life;

When I could use the car and how I would get to school/work when I could not use the car
I had a list of chores that where my responsibility - but in turn no one nagged me about doing them
I did my own laundry
I had a sort of curfew - if I wouldn't be home by 12:00 I had to let someone know

Also if this is feasible (it wasn't for us) it is a good idea to have her move into an area with private space( like a basement bedroom) so that she can be moody away from everything else.

Also if she wants to be doing something and you are not allowing it ( sem in israel, a college program, start shidduchim) that could be a real source of tension. Might be time to sit down and try to find a comopromise that works for everyone.

And try to ignore a lot - it's tough being a frum 18 year old girl, you need to know what kind of career you want from the short list of frum college programs, you need to decide what kind of boy you want to marry, you know there is a shidduch crisis which is very anxiety inducing, and you are under pressure to always look gorgeous but tznuis.....

amother

Oak

Sun, Jul 08 2018, 3:30 am

We live in Israel. This week she has her last final.
I know that this time is stressful, but there is a limit to what I have to take from a child.
She has plans for next year and is happy about them.
I know that this time is difficult, but I need to put up boundaries.
I like the idea of sitting down and putting down what her responsibilities are and what we guarantee her.
Bli Ayan Hara, she is a good girl and coming home at normal hours was never a problem. If she goes out, she says where she is going. I never had an argument about those things with her. As parents we also tell the kids where we go and when we come back.
I'm soooo down of the atmosphere at home.