What's expected during an engagement

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 12:34 am

amother wrote:

Not sure which forum this question belongs in. Bezras Hashem I hope to soon need to know what gifts are normally given from the chosson to the kallah. I know a bracelet is given at the time of the engagement and of course a ring. What else and when? Thanks and simchos by everyone!

Mazel tov! Bshaah tovah!

Please please please buy in your means!!! (We know in laws still complaining to chicdren about the wedding costs years later and it affects the relationships!)

I cant answer what is standard in your crowd or what is standard in the soon to be kallahs crowd (and what shes expecting to recieve, people I know had this discussion with the other side after the lchaim)

According to how I was raised, basic litvish is bracelet at lchaim ring and then kiddushin ring and pearls in yichud room- (many girls these days wont want pearls and if given the choice they would prefer a pendant or a heart... if the girl chooses a pendant please ask if that means she wants a heart etc...) also many times included in standard is a candelabra/candlesticks.

(Extra would diamond earrings and a watch.)

Amother so I shouldnt be recognized for situations....

Iymnok

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 2:09 am

For engagement, a bracelet when he proposes, and pick a ring together. It’s nice to give a gift if the engagement spans a Yom Tov or birthday. A gift for the yichud room.

Obviously a plain wedding band for the chuppa.

A flower arrangement is common for the vort. But if you have a few in multiple cities, I wouldn’t go all out every time.
(You mention OOT, we got engaged in Israel, had a vort here, one in my city, one in his city.)

amother

White

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:02 am

We're OOT too.
Our last son was a few years ago. Our local jeweler b"H had a package including bracelet, rings, basic pearls that was doable. We brought 3 bracelets to the kallah to choose from for the vort. I sometimes wish I would have gone an extra 200 to get one I really liked that was outside the package but the bracelet was for her, not me, and she was still happy.

She knew exactly what kind of ring she wanted and since it was really in, still is, there were options within the package. She LOVES her ring, b"H.

As far as machzorim, she wanted an interlinear Artscroll so we waited till they went on sale. Not leather.

IIRC we got her a leather every day siddur for the yichud room.

After they were married for a few years I bought her some jewelry from the local jeweler. There was a wonderful BOGO sale going on when they were here so I bought her some pieces and sent her back to choose something she liked with the credit. That was a just because for one yom tov. Usually I just stick to a much cheape

ETA: I forgot about candlesticks. We went to a well known silver seller, told them our budget, and they arranged a lovely shelf or two for kallah to choose from.
And flowers for vort and Shabbos kallah.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:05 am

amother wrote:

I hope things go well! The list of expected gifts depends on your social circle, so you might want to to be more specific. MO has the fewest obligations, generally just a ring. Hungarian chassidish have the most, with lots of jewelry and yom tov related presents throughout the engagement.

Not even this is an OBLIGATION. I know of a few gals who just did not want engagement rings, so there is no engagement anything and just a wedding band.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 12:47 pm

What's "normal" is different for different families. My family had no money. My husband didn't come from money, his father had been ill and passed away. After we were married, my husband told me that if I had come to the shidduch with expectations he would have broken it off because he knew he couldn't afford a high maintenance wife (which I am definitely not, am super thrifty), and couldn't ask his widowed mom to go into additional debt for jewelry and things for his kallah. I was thrilled for whatever gifts I did receive. I recognized that anything he gave me would dip into OUR savings and OUR financial future.

No, I didn't get any additional jewelry until I agreed to allow him to buy me a small pin after years of marriage. I asked my husband not to buy me a flower arrangement, and we went with the least expensive package at the least expensive wedding hall (all silk flowers, not one fresh flower at the wedding, even in my bouquet). No bridesmaid's matchy-matchy business - everyone was welcome to wear what they wanted. After all, my family and his couldn't afford to buy or rent matching dresses. It wouldn't be right to put that stress on everyone.

We were blessed with help from gemachs (bedding, dishes, becher and plated candlesticks) and a 'free' photographer and one man band (we later found out that family had collected money to help pay for these expenses). Someone also raised money that went towards the wedding but they didn't tell us until after (they were still collecting last minute). We paid for the remainder of our own wedding costs but were prepared to pay for all of it out of any gift money and savings. We paid for setting up our own apartment, and my jewelry came out of his (later our) savings. No financial support after the wedding from our parents - support comes from our Father in shamayim.

Please, educate your children and kallah age girls on the financial realities of life. Money doesn't grow on trees, these expectations and 'normalcies' are destructive in so many ways... They can set up couples for financial, family, and other problems that may have been possible to avoid.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 1:15 pm

Here's the litvish standard gift "package":

1.Bracelet at engagement/vort (usually white gold with diamonds)
2.Engagement ring, let her pick setting from several options, later in the engagement (it's nice if it can be timed for her to receive it around a yomtov)
3.Set of Machzorim (usually with her name engraved) given later in engagement
4.Siddur and Tehillim (usually with her name engraved) given later in engagement
5.Silver lichter set, given later in engagement
6.Wedding band at Chupah (make sure color gold matches engagement ring!)
7.Pearls (or more recently trendy, necklace with diamond pendant) in the Yichud Room

Extras some kallahs get: earnings and watch

Yes, this is sad and ridiculous that all kallahs are trained to expect the same gifts like it is a religious ritual, part of the process of getting married. Wish we could teach them instead valuable skills like how to be vulnerable in a relationship, communication skills, etc.

Anyway, the best way to afford the jewelry is through a kallahs package deal available from frum jewlers, hatzlacha and mazel tov!

chocolatecake

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 1:42 pm

amother wrote:

Here's the litvish standard gift "package":

1.Bracelet at engagement/vort (usually white gold with diamonds)
2.Engagement ring, let her pick setting from several options, later in the engagement (it's nice if it can be timed for her to receive it around a yomtov)
3.Set of Machzorim (usually with her name engraved) given later in engagement
4.Siddur and Tehillim (usually with her name engraved) given later in engagement
5.Wedding band at Chupah (make sure color gold matches engagement ring!)
6.Pearls in the Yichud Room

Extras some kallahs get: earnings and watch

Yes, this is sad and ridiculous that all kallahs are trained to expect the same gifts like it is a religious ritual, part of the process of getting married. Wish we could teach them instead valuable skills like how to be vulnerable in a relationship, communication skills, etc.

Anyway, the best way to afford the jewelry is through a kallahs package deal available from frum jewlers, hatzlacha and mazel tov!

I would add silver candlesticks to this last and also these days a lot of girls are getting a gold and diamond pendant necklace in yichud instead of pearls

greenfire

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 2:50 pm

I know people want to be all pleasing & do the expected ... but some kallahs don't even like jewelry

if we want to get halachically technical giving a present is considered a 'shtar' aka contract - one which is binding & can lead to problems should something arise before the actual wedding

some people send flowers the first shabbos of engagement ... but shouldn't that be something from the heart and not because you don't know

gosharuni ~ the only thing that is expected is that these 2 people should make their own decisions ...

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 2:54 pm

amother wrote:

Please, educate your children and kallah age girls on the financial realities of life. Money doesn't grow on trees, these expectations and 'normalcies' are destructive in so many ways... They can set up couples for financial, family, and other problems that may have been possible to avoid.

This is THE BEST advice to give one's children. 100% on the mark!!!!!
Nothing should ever be expected. Things can go sour if there are expectations and they are not met.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

I guess diamonds is for US Litvishe circles. Over here in Israel Litvish people (chareidim) buy CZ.