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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen needs help with camp friends



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amother
Lime


 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:51 am
My 14 y.o. DD went to sleepaway camp for the first time.
She's a quiet type of girl and has a hard time with friends. She's always very busy thinking that no one really wants her etc.. I'm always building her self confidence and trying to boost her but its so hard for her to accept it. She reads a ton and always imagines herself being the clingy girl that no one wants...and nerdy...and a third wheel as "everyone" has a friend"
she happens to be pretty and smart and dresses well for our crowd - she always has the "new" and "cool" stuff (I really try hard for her as I'm always hoping that this will help) she's also short which she makes her feel at a disadvatage.

she really wanted to go to camp as that's the thing to do...but she's so miserable and lonely even though the camp is great and so many activities, she has such a hard time with social time...that is taking over the excitement of camp

I keep on sending packages with fun stuff (games..glow in the dark items nosh etc..) hoping it will help but not helping at all- I keep on boosting her on the phone but its not doing anything for her


there's one week left and would lover her to finish with a good feeling any ideas?

sorry for my long post...just wish there's anything I can do to help
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gumby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 8:18 am
Is there a counselor or head staff that you can speak to who can be trusted not to share with others. Maybe that head staff can pair her with another quiet girl or kind girl to do something special for color war or the nine days .
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 8:49 am
OP, you sound like a great mother. You are really trying hard to help your daughter fit socially.

It seems from your post that your daughter has all the necessary externals, but that for whatever reason, she's not feeling it internally. Don't blame yourself - kids are born with their particular personalities, and we as parents can't always fix everything for them, much as we want to....

Sometimes as parents we have to accept that we can't do everything for them. You might not be able to make your daughter have that perfect ending to camp, much as you'd like to.

What you can do is focus on the future - helping to build your daughter's confidence internally. Extras and packages and things don't do this - neither does looks, height, etc...it's all what's inside - building her up from the inside out. She needs to learn how to develop healthy relationships, and that's going to happen only when she recognizes her own worth and contributions to a friendship, and the give and take that goes along with that - how to make friends, how to keep friends.

I would suggest that rather than focus on things, you focus on social skills with her. If you can't do this yourself, it might be worthwhile to invest in a few sessions with a social skills therapist for her.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 8:57 am
thanks for your replies!

chayalle you are right she needs help internally - I did sign her up for the project succeed(it was right before summer) an over the phone some type of help for social issues geared for high school girls. she agreed to it as she had to call in so it was easy to join and was confidential. I'm sure it was good but for sure was not enough help for her.

I am wondering how to go about helping her for the future - we do live out of town so not so many jewish resources available - and not sure where to taker her? and its hard for someone on the outside to get our culture and differences.

she really needs the right help to get her to feel confident and happy enough to make friends

would love ideas...
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 10:13 am
Camp is not for everyone. Are you sure she wanted to go to camp? Or is she just getting the vibe from you (in addition to the community) that "that's the thing to do"? It sounds like there's some kind of societal pressure to look cool, have cool stuff, have lots of friends and blend in. As her mother, maybe let go of what you think is "done" and try to see the world through her eyes. If she reads a lot, that's great! Encourage that! She sounds like an intelligent and quiet deep-thinker kind of person. That is something she should be proud of.

The world needs the quiet thoughtful personalities just as much as (if not more then) the loud outgoing types.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 10:48 am
Is she interested in girls with more similar personalities or interests to hers? Sometimes kids are looking to befriend the 'stylish, in' etc and don't realize that that's not their type? Is there a way you can have her give to someone? Tutor, mothers helper, help with play etc in that last part of camp. Can be good to feel like you belong.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 11:04 am
I'm a lot like your daughter. I have friends BH, but am far from socially outgoing by nature. What helps me is thinking about other people rather than myself. Not how do they feel about me, but how do they feel in general. I constantly remind myself that by focusing on making others feel comfortable, good about themselves and trying to be of help to them or find a small way to make them happy (for example, give a compliment, offer to help in some way, listen to their stories), I can in some small way add simcha and improvement to their lives. That my relationships are not about me. I try to focus on how the other person feels, what's going on with them -not on what I feel or what's going on with me.

Your daughter will probably have to remind and re-remind herself to do this at first. But once you are dedicated to focusing on others, rather on how they see/feel about you (kind of narcissistic if you think about it...) it gets easier. And the pressure melts away as the relationships grow iy"H.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Mon, Jul 16 2018, 11:11 am
This sounds like social anxiety. Did you ever try therapy?
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